I am so confused

[Dinah-sore]

Hi guys, I am sorry to post again, but I was hoping to get some more feedback. I posted a while ago about my birthday, and how I was I was afraid I was being selfish for feeling sad that my DH did not get me a present. Like I said then, I am not a gold-digger or materialistic, I would have been happy with a card, a letter, a small gift, basically anything that demonstrated that I was loved or thought of.

So a month ago, we had our anniversary. I didn't post about it then, but I am feeling weird still. We usually go out to dinner or drive somewhere special to celebrate. So I scheduled a haircut that day, so I would have a fresh hairstyle and a cute blowout for him to take me out to dinner. I came home from the salon ready to go out on a date, and he had even asked me what I would like to do. I threw out some options. But then he didn't get ready, and so I had a snack to hold me over, then it got later and later and he looked at me and said, "So do you just want to hang out at home?" I was disappointed but I thought I should communicate politely and I said, "Well, I wanted to go out, that is why I got my hair done, so I would look nice." To keep this story short, we ended up going out, but we just went to the local strip mall and seriously looked around. He did not get me a present, a card, or a meal. He bought himself some clothing. Then we went to a grocery store, and picked up some fast food for him to eat when we got home. It felt weird. Like NOT a date. Am I making too much of a deal out of this?

I also notice that when we are together our conversations are weird. It is like we have parallel conversations. They almost look like we are talking back and forth but we aren't. For example, I will bring up a subject that is on my mind (usually about something I read). He will act like he is replying, and he will get this philosophical tone of voice like he is going to explain something to me, but if I pay attention to what he is saying it has nothing to do with what I brought up. He always steers it toward some story of someone else doing something, and him thinking it is stupid, and what he thinks about it. EVERY TIME. He spends a lot of time gossiping, telling me rumors about people and acting like people are just not measuring up to some standard. He was talking to me the other day about a conversation he had with someone at work, where he was talking about someone to another employee saying this person is lazy and self-centered. I said, "You told that to someone?" thinking how harsh that is. He thought it was fine because to him they are not doing a good enough job. The only thing he seems to care about is his job. Every conversation gets tied back to people at his work. If I try to tell him something about myself, he will ignore it, and then say something about something totally unrelated. It looks like we are conversing. But we aren't.

It is like I am desperately trying to reach out and connect to him, to be emotionally intimate and have an honest connection. And he just pretends to connect, but it is almost like he is bent on NOT hearing me.

I think this realization makes me feel unimportant. I don't feel seen. I don't feel connected. And he totally controls me too. I can tell him that I want to do something or I believe something, and he will just tell me that those choices or beliefs are not an option. It is like he doesn't care that I have them, but just lets me know subtly that I need to hide those ideas and do what he wants. I even talked to him about politics the other day, and he literally told me who I was supposed to vote for, as if it was a sin to vote different from him. Yikes.

Why can't he talk to me, connect with me, or even take me on a thoughtful date, or buy me a small gift? If we were dating I would DUMP HIM. He puts in no effort, but then tells me about how lazy and selfish his employees are. If he put in 1% of the effort he puts into his work, into our marriage, I would be much happier. Any suggestions? Should I try to tell him (again) how I feel?

Am I obligated to "stay the same"-- I mean when he married me we had the many of the same opinions, beliefs, etc. But that was a long time ago. I feel guilty for changing. But I would be happy to change and be with him still, if I felt seen and respected and loved unconditionally. But I am not changing into a hurtful person, in fact my changes have probably come from healing from abuse, so I am probably just becoming more healthy.  I am rambling now. So sorry.

***here I am feeling guilty for trying to connect with him, as who I am, his wife, authentically loving him, but different than the girl he married. But why? He changed too!!!! He used to date me. He used to take me nice places. he used to listen to me with eye contact and enthusiasm. He used to give me small little gifts. He changed too, but not for the better, and he is not trying to connect. So why do I alone feel guilty?

[Dinah-sore]

Sorry to keep rambling, but I feel so weird because I feel taken for granted. I do most of the responsibilities for the house and most of the parenting responsibilities. He works a lot, but not for money. He works more than he gets paid for, then he goes out after work a few nights a week and doesn't come till late. I have NEVER complained. I want him to have fun. But when he is gone more than he is home most nights, and I am doing everything alone, as a parent and a spouse I feel abandoned in every way. Like I just need to not rock the boat and support his lifestyle. I feel trapped by all his choices and priorities, and then to not have a connection with him on top of it all hurts. Plus he still expects a physical connection, but I am having a hard time because of the lack of emotional connection. It feels like another chore on my chore-chart.

This relationship is a one direction relationship. It all goes to support him, his whims, desires, and felt needs. And if I have a need, then? I don't know... I guess I pretend like I don't. If I talk about having a need, he tells me I need to go to church more. (but I know that won't fix all my needs).

[Poison Ivy]

I don't think you're making too big a deal out of any of this.  Your husband seems very inconsiderate, at the least.  I would be upset if I were in your position (and when I was married, stuff like this happened to me, and I was upset then).

[Samuel S.]

Your husband is very selfish and very cruel. You, he, and everybody else deserve to be respected, loved, and honored. He disrespects you in so many ways.

Don't you wish our supposed "soulmates" would actually respect, love, and honor us as much as we have done with them?

[notrightinthehead]

My heart goes out to you Dinah. There is a big gap between what you -rightly- hope for and expect from your husband and what you get. Because of your history and the situation with your mother,  you have ended up with a husband who treats you slightly better than you were used to, but not like a kind and loving husband would treat his wife. What a painful realization that must be!

You seem to have healed to the extend that you can now allow yourself to see your life as it is. That shows, you are getting stronger every day. The first step to change is to accept reality.

[Dinah-sore]

Thank you guys so much for your feedback. I am trying to decide if I should talk to him about it. But I was reading some articles online and it talked a lot about how the beginning of these kinds of relationships can be full of love bombing, and that is what we had. Then they get comfortable and the devalue begins. I think this is part of the devalue because 1) I am an afterthought in his life 2) He is super happy with other people 3) he is often very sarcastic and uses targeted humor to put me down 4) He doesn't listen to me or see me, I could go on and on.

and this has been for our entire marriage. It isn't that I focus too much on him to fill my needs, because it has been quite the opposite. I have learned to expect nothing, and be happy with other things, friends, my kids, etc. I don't "need" him. I have extremely low expectations. In fact, last night, I was watching TV and he laughed at the show and it made me so happy. I almost thought "Wow we are having SUCH a good time." And then I realized, "Yeah, he just laughed at a joke on TV, it has nothing to do with the quality of our relationship!" LOL

Also, whenever I talk to him he just gets defensive, points out all his grievances at me, and then for about three days acts like a pitiful puppy and will ask me if I want a coffee. As if an ice blended mocha will solve our problems. But then within a week it all goes back to normal, him escaping to work and his work life. And me pouring myself into my duties that support him and special time with my kids.

So maybe this time I just won't bring it up, because the short lived "love bombing" phase only gets me an ice blended mocha, but also dumps on me all his disappointments in how I don't do enough for him, go to church enough for him, pretend to be perfect enough for him, etc. Which is just another hamster wheel, that he doesn't have to run.

[Samuel S.]

Dinah, the operative word is enough. You, I, and the other nonPDs are never enough for them. They are like a bottomless glass that can never be filled. The sparing moments that they love bombing us, they are few and far between, justo give us a glimmer of hope. Nevertheless, they go back to their old ways, sad to say.

[1footouttadefog]

If it were my marriage, I would be concerned that he was having am affair.

He had devalued you to be sure.  Quite often the devalued one never gets back the status they once had in the relationship.  Instead they only give and sacrifice more and more until they almost disappear in the process.  If you are lucky you find you way Out of the FOG before being lost altogether.

I am sorry to be so negative but there are many bad signs in what you have posted.