Preparing….for the reunion no one ever wants to have in a PD family

[Liketheducks]

My youngest brother took his life two days before Christmas 2023.   He was the last of us three siblings not to really have boundaries with my parents.   While my mother didn't pull the trigger, there was certainly a typical family drama that precluded his taking his life.   I know she shoulders a lot of self blame.   And, no one is ever at their best grieving such a loss.   My dad, remarried and in very poor health has been "helping" over the phone.   I'm not likely to see him.  Honestly, I never feel safe in his physical presence, but I can manage random and rare phone calls.

Mom is currently staying with my SIL.   Trying to be helpful with school runs, etc.    My surviving brother went to SIL's a few weeks ago to help her with some deferred house maintenance.   Mom picked a fight with him.    During my brother's burial, mom picked multiple fights with me.   I eventually had to ask her to specifically be gentler with me.   I'm grieving also.   1. I'm the eldest daughter.  And 2. I've been parentified since birth.   I'm supposed to fill the role of "gluing" us all together despite my mother's behavior.   Superglue isn't strong enough there.   
My borther's celebration of life is approaching.   I usually try to grey rock with mom in these circumstances, which she calls resentful of me.  I'm cold and indifferent....but I'm also supposed to be the adult in the room.   

Has anyone else gone through something like this?   Does anyone else have a toolbox of skills they could share?   

[DaisyGirl77]

Oof.  First off, I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I hope the memories of your brother bring you comfort as you grieve.

I've had a similar thing, but with my uBPD maternal grandmother (with some histrionic thrown in, I think).  She's lost 4 of 6 kids so I've seen her dramatics.  The last time I saw her (for death #3), she was the worst she'd ever been, to the point where I had to yell at her--she was so self-absorbed that she'd brought in her churchy friends for prayers & just clustered them in the waiting room for hours, ignoring the rest of us who were there to support Uncle #1's daughter & his grandkids as they waited for him to die.  That was the least of what she'd done.  So...  My advice is to keep away from her orbit as much as possible.  Do the absolute minimum you need to do to be socially polite, & mingle with the guests at your brother's upcoming service.  If she approaches, excuse yourself elsewhere.  (I like the bathroom--it's the handiest excuse & you have space to hide in there & breathe & recenter yourself before emerging, AND you can easily explain it away with "I'm so sorry.  His loss has affected me so much that, well...you know. *insert vague hand wave*" & you'll receive allllll the sympathetic understanding for the day, AND no one will give it a second thought for you hiding in the bathroom.  Just make sure to flush after each trip, lol. )

If she attempts to follow you into the bathroom, loudly say, "Mom, are you having trouble?  Do we need to get you checked out by a GI doctor or urologist?  No?  Stop following me.  I'm not feeling well & you of all people know that no one wants to have an audience in the bathroom."

Have code words set up with a sibling or friend if you need it so they know to come rescue you ("I'm so sorry, my cat's caught fire in the kitchen & I need to steal her away!" type scenario) from the more difficult people who come.  Bonus points if the place has a nice quiet spot for you to disappear to with your friend/sibling.

Again, I'm so sorry.  I hope your emotional ship finds itself in calmer waters soon.  Sending virtual hugs (or fistbumps if you prefer).

[walking on broken glass]

Hello @Liketheducks. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I haven't been in a similar situation myself but I am thinking of what I am trying to do when I am close to a triggered PD relative.
- Avoid them as much as possible. I realise this is more difficult in your case but you can try to be with other people when she's there. Maybe have a trusted friend follow you around and not leave you alone?
- If she throws a tantrum or picks on you, say something like 'I know you are very upset' and then go away. Sometimes acknowledging their feelings makes them calm down.
- Bring your own mental health into this. Don't try to be the strong one who can take everything thrown at her. Show that you are a human and that you are also grieving and need your own space.

I hope it goes as well as it possibly can. Sending you virtual hugs 🤗