Does it get easier?

[Roza]

I am trying my best. I have been going to therapy, I am trying to be more positive.  I just don't understand why I keep having these feelings like I need my siblings to apologize for their actions towards me.  I know that will never happen bcz they are NPD. They sat idly by and let our Narc mom and alcoholic dad continuously put me down.  They got to go and live their lives while I was the SG, the parentified child and the one who did everything for them. The siblings are now MIA, I should not expect much, by that hope for a little something is horrible. 
My DH and kids mean the world to me,  but I feel like I am letting they down bcz I can't believe people are so cruel. I keep looking for acceptance from my siblings and I should not care. I have to get over this but I don't know how. Too many years of abuse and I want to be happy again.  I don't like  this unhappy feeling. I have to fix me, I have to take care of myself for once. I feel so broken.  I know I will need soooo much help get over the narc abuse.

[notrightinthehead]

Roza, I can relate to the feeling of needing an apology which I will never get. The apology would mean closure and allow me to forgive and move on.
There would be peace in my heart. But I will never, ever get it, because the other person does not think they have done anything wrong.
It is infuriating. Makes me loose sleep. I also have realized that this way I am giving the other person power over my well being. For me to feel whole they have to apologize, which they never will, therefore I cannot heal.  So the answer is to take back control and accept there will never be an apology. Totally and utterly accept that this is how they are. (this is the point where rock bottom might be) There never will be reconciliation, insight, future closeness.
I believe for me it was necessary to accept this to be able to move on. Painful as it was. Taking back control over my life meant to accept that others have different realities.

[PeanutButter]

Everything notrightinthehead said i totally agree.
Once we get to the acceptance of who the person really is, and what their limitations and capabilities mean for our relationship with them, we can then decide whether we want to continue in the relationship with them now that we understand the truth. This allows us to take back control of ourselves.

[Roza]

Thank you for all your kind words and support. I will be trying harder to get over this hump. I think I will be trying more meditation in order to get my mind off of the negative thinking I need more positive thinking because I am worth it.

[Sydney16]

Postive songs on repeat are great too

[Adria]

Roza.

It is so hard. Everything Notrightinthehead said is true.  When we realize that they are not well and do not and cannot function as a normal human being, we can begin to understand they are not capable of acting rationally.  I am like you. I continue to hope that my narc dad will someday knock on my front door and want to play nice and apologize for all the agony he has caused me through my life.  But, in reality, I have to remember he is a narc, and narc's are mean selfish people who most likely, barring a miracle, will not ever feel the need to apologize. Thus, I have to look inward for the love and acceptance I didn't get from my father.  Jerry Wise. on Utube. has very good videos on these subjects.  He is helping me understand better than I ever have before.  Maybe you can check him out.  Two great videos are "Calmness Is Everthing" talking about family relationships systems.  And, "Building Up Your Ability to Go Without Love and Approval."

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad right now.  I still have times of grief and sadness, but it does get better.  Hugs, Adria

[Summer Sun]

Roza, I too experienced what Not-Right has conveyed.  It is a process to come to the place of acceptance, for me, it was the grieving process.  Are you familiar with the stages of grief?  You may be in the bargaining phase for example. 

I know there will never be an apology from my UNPDb.  I have healed enough now and sufficiently rebuilt my life to no longer need his acceptance, approval, or relationship.

What helps me sometimes is to tell myself my siblings were just as wounded and broken.  We all were abused and neglected.  The dysfunction of our upbringing has simply manifested differently in each of us.  I lean towards NC compassion towards him now, but it takes work.  Resentments can still creep up occasionally, re-sent messages that I work on changing the script. 

It does get easier.  It takes time, recovery effort, reflection and distance IME.  Hang in there, you got this!

Summer Sun