I think my sister is PD; thoughts?

[Danie]

My 2 sisters and I grew up in a pretty horrendous family situation. My mother is BPD. She's also agoraphobic. I used to think my sisters and I were going to be okay. We had a tight bond growing up and helped each other through some pretty tough things. I love my sisters dearly, but I think I'm not going to be able to have much of a relationship with my younger sister going forward.
Our relationship started to really sour when she got married 30 years ago and moved away. At first we exchanged birthday cards and talked on the phone a lot. She had 2 boys and I was thrilled. Shortly after her second boy was born she started to change. I had a visit planned and out of the blue, I called her to talk about the trip and she said "don't come" and hung up on me.
Another time I called her and her son was in the background doing something and she yelled angrily, "stop it you jerk". I said in a friendly tone, don't call him a jerk. She got so furious, chewed me out and hung up on me again.
That was at least 10 years ago and I haven't had a conversation with her since, I've tried! She has hung up on me several times. She has been back to our hometown and planned family get-togethers around her son and has left me out and it was super painful. She posts Facebook photos of her and our half sister at family events. She also makes their conversations obvious, "I love you sis", with our half sister.
I've asked her, "What have I done" and she has no answer. I've texted her friendly , chatty texts and she ignores me. One time she said: "Why can't you ask me how my day is?"
I wanted to say, "I'm afraid you're going to hang up on me"! but I didn't.

Her son is a heroin addict and stayed with me for a week 2 summers ago. It was a horrible nightmare and cost me a lot of money! I brought him to treatment and at first she was grateful, but then turned on me and accused me of gossiping about him--which just shocks me, I didn't.

She has become friends with one of my best childhood friend and had her out to visit. This friend has acted cold and snobby to me which leads me to believe there's been some gossip.

I've done nothing to her. I'm older and I was such a nice big sister to her. Now I look back at our childhood and I remember some pretty abusive cold things she did to me. I know I haven't presented any really powerful evidence (I never see her) but the cold shoulder and leaving me out is so cruel I just can't imagine doing that to anyone. Thoughts anyone?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Being dropped by a sibling hurts, been there myself. It's natural to look for a reason.

Whether it's PD or not really doesn't matter. It's clear your sister doesn't want to have a relationship with you, whatever her reason or non-reason. In that situation, it looks like the only thing you can do to have any peace is to simply accept the situation for what it is. None of us are entitled to a relationship with another adult when the desire is not mutual.

You don't say whether you've ever asked her for her point of view. If you did that, did you really listen and put herself in her shoes without arguing, even if you didn't agree with her version of events?

I will say that sending her friendly chatty things is likely not helping. It appears to assume a relationship that you wish were there and is simply not in accord with the reality. And perhaps your sister perceives you as self-centered. Whatever your intentions, it does not appear to be honest and trustworthy behavior.

[Danie]

I've never gotten the opportunity to ask her, really? I think I've messaged her but she just never, never responds. I'm afraid to call her, she hangs up on me. I don't know how she views me.

It's true we aren't entitled to a relationship and I can accept that.

35 years ago our half sister was drunk and called me for a ride. Actually the police were holding her. The cops said something was wrong in her family and I should follow up. She was 16 at the time. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said counseling. It was a terible situation to be in. I wish would've never picked her up!! Anyway I dropped her off at a counselors and the next thing an intervention was planned...on our dad. His boss and brother planned it. I was blamed for it. I asked this sister to stand up for me. She didn't want to, but she did, a little. I've let that go. It wasn't her fault or her problem. I became the family scapegoat and was accused of trying to ruin my dad's family. My sister just grew closer to him and I think he pitted her against me.

I've let all that go. I suspect she still harbors some of that. Not sure. We never talk about it.