NMIL made FIL a flying monkey just days before Father's Day

[gettingthere]

I spent a lot of time on here before our wedding and I can't thank you all enough for your support through that time - I'm not sure if I deleted that account or what but I'm starting anew now.

Long story short - my DH's family is enmeshed, I believe his mother is NPD, his sister is tied to her at the hip, and FIL and BIL are along for the ride. SIL and BIL have two kids - all six of them live in the same house now. They are one Unit. Since DH and I moved in together (3 1/2 years ago), it has been a constant struggle to maintain boundaries and space. Right before the wedding (last year), there was a huge blow up between DH and MIL, which made things better because boundaries were set. Before the wedding was the absolute worst, but things have been... okay since then. Some moving back and forth on boundaries but definitely better.

This week, another blow up, relating to the recurring theme of how we don't spend enough time with them/MIL feels like we don't even like them, etc. because we don't do everything with them like they do with each other. They aren't apart during their free time except for potentially 2 hours a week. Recently, the issue was that DH and I didn't want to go to niece's dance recital. She's 5 years old, they live 1/2 hr away, we'd pay $15 per ticket for a 1 and a half hour recital during which she'd dance for 8 minutes. Not worth it. We have an appointment for our dog. FIL called DH to say that we apparently care more about our dog than our niece.

Obviously this was a SIL - MIL - FIL transaction, so FIL was somehow tasked with yelling at DH about this issue which, in our eyes, is incredibly minor. DH called MIL yesterday and basically lost his shit on her. Everything came out on the table, which I think was overdue and is actually good. If we're ever going to go NC, now would be a good freakin time. She tried to call him and text him, basically ignoring everything he said and focusing on how rude it was for him to yell at her on her lunch break. We talked through it all and I helped him see how she was deflecting blame, trying to shame and guilt him, making it about her, etc. All the characteristic traits. He told her he's not ready to continue the convo and has been ignoring her texts since. These are tactics he's used to from throughout his childhood, but that he didn't really focus on with a critical eye until last year before the wedding when things were awful. He's getting a spine, and I'm so proud of him for it, and I want to make sure this continues.

My biggest question at the moment, besides how I can help support him further, is how do we celebrate Father's Day with FIL now that he's officially been made a Flying Monkey for SIL and MIL? We got him a gift and I guess the assumption was that we would go to their house for Father's Day. It isn't clear whether or not this will be resolved by then, so I don't think reaching out to him right now about alternative plans with just us is appropriate yet, but I'm not sure what else to do. Especially because technically it was FIL that yelled at DH, even though we know he was put up to it.

There are so, SO many issues with this situation and I could go on forever but I'll stop now. Short version: our issues with MIL and SIL are coming to a head, FIL was made the bearer of bad news, but Father's Day is coming up. What do we do?

Thank you all in advance - I love this forum and I've learned so much over the past two years from you all. We're getting there.

[bloomie]

gettingthere - you sure are getting there! Very hard to disengage from an enmeshed family system and painful all around. I can relate very closely to dynamic you are experiencing with your in law family.

Is it possible to acknowledge the strain in the relationship makes it uncomfortable to get together and send a text or card this year instead?

I ask, because what DH and I have learned the very hard way is to start as you mean to go and keep your messages consistent. So, your fil chose to call his son and shame and pressure him to go to a dance recital and prioritize your time/money how he sees fit.

As a core value in our marriage/relationship with others we have determined to respond to what each person in our extended actually says and does. To treat members of the family like the individuals they are and refuse group mentality on our side of the street. It has been very confusing and triggering for my own in laws because this is something they have little to no context for. That each family unit decides what is best and right for them and may have different levels of contact with each family member based on how they chose to conduct themselves. 

Your fil's behaviors were disrespectful and crossed a line into things that are not his to decide and comment on, much less throw out false accusations about. Does it make sense to go toward him and celebrate with him while that is unresolved between he and your DH? Would that be a consistent message for you all?

If things remain unresolved and your fil does not take full responsibility for himself, you can still acknowledge him on Father's Day, but you do not have to gather as if he has not just walked all over your DH's face. Part of the law of sowing and reaping is that when we act out toward others and refuse to manage our behaviors in loving and respectful ways they do not want to spend time with us.

Keep coming back for support as you disengage and establish yourselves. You are both doing great! Bravo!

[gettingthere]

Bloomie - wow, thank you so much. That's a true insight, that even though they act as if they're one unit, we know that it's healthier to see them as individuals. To treat him as if he didn't do what he just did, just because we think he was coerced, would be ignoring him as an individual. You're right, it wouldn't at all make sense to go celebrate with him after that. This is something I'll have to share with my husband, because that didn't even occur to us... I guess seeing them as a unit has just been the norm for so long. But he is not faultless even if he isn't the driver. Thank you for your input - it was truly helpful!

[all4peace]

Bloomie gives great advice and perspective. I'll add one thing--even though you treat them as the individuals they are, they may choose to continue their Group Think anyway. When we finally set boundaries with DH's parents, we tried very hard to maintain our individual relationships with his siblings. However, they truly are a family system, and eventually all the sibling relationships fully eroded to the same place of disrepair as the one with DH's parents. All you can do is be your logical, healthy, good self, but please do be aware that they may not be able to respond in kind.

Good luck with whatever you decide for Father's Day!

[gettingthere]

Thank you for your perspective all4peace, I guess we will have to see how they react to whatever happens with MIL and SIL, give them the opportunity to repair their relationships with us, but not necessarily expect them to!