Horrible day at work - need to write about it

[mimzy]

Yesterday was probably one of the worst days I've experienced at this job for the past three years I have been working there. I need to write about it and I need some gentle advice.

I'm 8 months pregnant and due to go out on leave tomorrow.

For the past month I have been ironing out details regarding my leave with a toxic supervisor- frequently gaslights, vents about subordinates in meetings that are supposed to be about other topics, trying to control me, i.e. telling me who i should socialize with (If she doesn't like someone, she will tell others to stay away from them, thereby pinning them against each other.)

I initially went to her to get approval  to work from home during weeks 34 and 35 of my pregnancy (beginning this Monday) and then I would go on short term disability weeks 36 - 40. My commute has gotten very stressful - 2 hours every day, sometimes without a seat on the bus.  I am exhausted and need to rest. 

The discussion about working from home turned into a confusing endeavor. She first told me "There is no precedence for doing that in this department." To which I cited a peer who had worked from home shortly before giving birth earlier this year. "How did you know about that??" She replied accusatory. I tried to keep it light and explained that when this person was accepting planners and not at her desk, it became kinda obvious. After much circular conversation, I became very confused. My supervisor ended up talking out of both sides of her mouth, i.e. the person who ended up working from home wasn't approved from HR, wait no she went through her boss, if I go to HR to get you approval, they will say no. So I will just set you up to WFH on the down low but you can't tell anyone.

What???

I became so confused, I felt more comfortable filing for disability at weeks 34 until giving birth (December) which is what I did. My supervisor was ok with this.

Come to find out, filing for disability (my first time) is not easy. They don't just hand it out on a silver platter. You have to provide a lot of info from your doctor. The prospect became just as stressful as working from home because there is always a chance you will be denied and though your company will pay 100% of your salary until after you return from leave, you will owe your employer for the weeks that you were denied disability. The notion of owing my employer money became so stressful. Meanwhile, come to find out, the woman who worked from home before giving birth, the how did you know about this woman, HR approved this woman working from home which led me to believe there was a strong possibility that my supervisor had stretched the truth and steered me away from working from home- the more economical option for my family.

Today, I arrived at work feeling sick and proceeded to tell my team members that I most likely would not be in on my last day - tomorrow due to feeling sick. I then did my best to wrap up and prepare for as smooth a transition as possible for my team members.

Unfortunately, this involved my supervisor releasing a list as to which of my peers would inherit which team members. So, here we are, down to the wire and she has yet to release the list so i can officially start to let my peers know about what needs to be completed with each team member. I sent a planner asking to sit down with my supervisor later today to discuss who would inherit who. No reply. Finally, I decide to go out to lunch and tackle having the conversation with her when I return. To which one of my peers tells me i can't leave. Turns out they have planned a surprise baby shower for me. She leads me into the boardroom and there are beautiful decorations set up and gifts and there is my supervisor. My peer sensed the awkwardness and excuses herself. My supervisor asks me what is going on. I choose to be honest and say that A) I'm not feeling well. B) My peers need to know which of my team members they are supporting in my absence. (She got very defensive and said it's not on me, it's on her... weird  argument if you ask me.) I then repeated B) My peers need to know which of my team members they will be supporting. It's rude to not them know. She got very defensive when I mentioned rude. I then said that she and I needed to talk about another issue - the work from home situation . I told her I was given info saying that my peer was approved by HR to work from home and she (my supervisor) lied to me and I can't trust her. To which she said go to Hr. And I said I prefer to say this to your face. I then repeated that she lied to me and that I can't trust her and then I said I needed to cool off and go for a walk. She grabbed my arm and i said, "Get your hands off of me." And then went outside. I then called HR and had an 45 minute meeting with them where I explained how I had asked to WFH, was given strange answers from her, decided it was best to go on disability because my supervisor was acting shady but then found out that there was a possibility that i would owe the company money if my disability was denied.

I also explained to them that we were waiting on her to handoff my team members to my peers and it appeared as though it wasn't a priority for her. This was all very stressful for me as a pregnant woman wanting nothing but a quiet transition.

We agreed I should go home today, that I wouldn't come in tomrrow and that Hr would speak with my supervisor about her version of what happened (ugh) and that HR would help with the transition. As for the working from home and what is protocol, that would also be addressed at a later date.

I am so so sad it came to this. I see now in hindsight that I should have just gone to HR with the WFH request in the first place. I went to my supervisor to avoid leading her to feel like I went "over her head". In my effort to please her, things got out of hand.

Hr called me today to "see how I was feeling".

They also sAid that my supervisor  had no idea my peer was approved by HR to work from home and that if I need to work from home (if disability isn't approved) the "offer still stands". HR also told  me that my supervisor can approve such things as the line of business manager. She also said that "lots of people say me get upset and when I get back from leave, she and I might want to have a discuss about "how to handle stressful situations". To which i said, "I feel with that comment you are saying it's my fault and I will get a scolding when I get back." I then went on to say that My supervisor's method of communication regarding working from home was murky, negative and unclear. And that I am responsible for 50% of the relationship and she is responsible for the other 50%. " HR then back peddled and said that's not what she meant and I need to focus on being on leave. I told her I would touch base with her two weeks prior to coming back. Bottom line, I'm not coming back to this place if I'm going to be the scapegoat. I know this is partly hormonal but nevertheless I am prepared to start pounding the pavement in late winter, early spring and find another place of employment. Being a scapegoat is a deal breaker for me and it sounds like that is what they are leaning towards. So so so disappointed and not at all surprised.

Would love to hear other people's thoughts. Sorry this is so long.

[Unknown]

Mimzy,

First off, so sorry you had such a horrible day. And right before you welcome a new baby, to boot.
I hope you were able to enjoy (a little) of what your colleagues planned for you; that was very nice (the baby shower).
My first thoughts are that I am very impressed at how well you spoke up with your boss. You did not back down, despite the gas-lighting, deflection, lying behaviors your boss exhibited. As a  recovering scapegoat myself, I am still working on that and I applaud you for sticking to your boundaries and not being manipulated (after you noticed she had lied to you) and also, for speaking your mind with HR. I have a lot of trouble with being able to think ''quick on my feet'' , in the moment, when these types of things happen to me. Of course I completely recognize it, flags go up, alarm bells ring, but still  have a hard time being assertive. It's like my brain understands exactly what is going on, but my tongue is stuck.... Growing up, I was never allowed to speak my mind, I was "trained' to be the submissive, compliant one. I've learned that speaking up got me in trouble, and it has made me afraid. I'm working on it.
Anyway, I apologize I digress. I think what you did here was great. I urge you to trust your gut instincts that this boss of yours is indeed, not to be trusted, and to start searching for a new job.I am sorry this special welcoming time with your baby will have to include that.  In the meantime, do not less yourself get bullied by this boss if you don't find a new position by the time your leave is up.  keep sticking to your boundaries. 

[mimzy]

Mimzy,

First off, so sorry you had such a horrible day. And right before you welcome a new baby, to boot.
I hope you were able to enjoy (a little) of what your colleagues planned for you; that was very nice (the baby shower).
My first thoughts are that I am very impressed at how well you spoke up with your boss. You did not back down, despite the gas-lighting, deflection, lying behaviors your boss exhibited. As a  recovering scapegoat myself, I am still working on that and I applaud you for sticking to your boundaries and not being manipulated (after you noticed she had lied to you) and also, for speaking your mind with HR. I have a lot of trouble with being able to think ''quick on my feet'' , in the moment, when these types of things happen to me. Of course I completely recognize it, flags go up, alarm bells ring, but still  have a hard time being assertive. It's like my brain understands exactly what is going on, but my tongue is stuck.... Growing up, I was never allowed to speak my mind, I was "trained' to be the submissive, compliant one. I've learned that speaking up got me in trouble, and it has made me afraid. I'm working on it.
Anyway, I apologize I digress. I think what you did here was great. I urge you to trust your gut instincts that this boss of yours is indeed, not to be trusted, and to start searching for a new job.I am sorry this special welcoming time with your baby will have to include that.  In the meantime, do not less yourself get bullied by this boss if you don't find a new position by the time your leave is up.  keep sticking to your boundaries. 

Thank you, unknown. I appreciate your positive thoughts as well as sharing about your trials and tribulations growing up. Boy, i can relate to all of it.

Authority figures and work relationships have always terrified me. The more dependent I am on them, the more terrifying they become. I know it's a reflection of what occurred between me and caretakers. They didn't know better, so they didn't DO better. I had to settle for it because, well, what else was I going to do? I couldn't fend for myself.

Today at least it's different and I can find another job. There is plenty of fish in the sea. It's so hard to think clearly while this pregnant. I guess I'll have to give it some time before deciding what action to take.

Anyways, thanks again for your reply. I

[clara]

This passive-aggressive BS is what bad supervisors do when they're confronted with a situation they can't control but will still affect them.  They put the onus on you--make you jump through all the hoops, try to make you feel guilty for doing something like getting sick, having a baby(!) etc.  How dare you impose on them in such a manner!  So these are the tricks they pull to take the focus (and responsibility) off of them.  That you have to do all the work of figuring out how to handle your situation, when in reality the procedure should already be put in place by HR and stuck to, is ridiculous.  I suspect the incident regarding your co-worker being allowed to work from home set up a precedent they didn't intend being set up, (it was just a one-off to them) is the fly in the ointment.  They now become obligated to treat all employees equally in situations like this, not give favors to someone else because they have a supervisor in their corner, and they don't like it.  They don't like being called out on their unequal treatment.  They know they did wrong somewhere along the line (either with the other employee or with you) and are trying to cover it up. 

I feel for you, mimzy, because it's a miserable, no-win situation to be in!  But my feeling is, if  you're not going to win anyway, then do things on your terms, which is what you did.  Your supervisor probably expected you to just roll over and deal, and when you didn't but fought for yourself, she's at least learned a lesson (I'd hope!) that someone is willing to call her on her behavior.   I, too, grew up fearful of crossing some invisible boundary that would cause trouble (either in my mind or in reality) so tried to stay as quiet and compliant as possible in order to not get berated for simply existing.  Being assertive wasn't something I easily learned, and I'm still willing to let things go rather than engage in a confrontation over minor or inconsequential things.  But having been subjected to similar treatment as you on the job, time and again, I learned to be confrontational when it came to my ability to earn a living. That was worth fighting for.  I've even quit jobs without having another one to go to, while being totally self-supporting, rather than put up with some work-related BS that I knew would never get better (scapegoating is sooooo common in the workplace it's almost like people have taken a class in it).  I was also once in a situation where my boss was being a jerk to me, trying to blame me for something I didn't do, and I told him that I was looking for a job when he hired me, I can go looking again.  Insecure as I was inside, I realized that even if you had to bluff your way, it was important to present yourself as someone with worth and options.  Many employers like you to be a doormat, but they won't respect you. 

It's a tough situation, but you'll get through it--because you're aware of what's going on.  It's a trite thing to say, I know, but knowledge really is power.  It's good you're here and writing about your experiences because it helps us see these really common experiences for what they are and know that, yep, been there, done that!  You're certainly not alone! 

[Hazy111]

Bottom line, I'm not coming back to this place if I'm going to be the scapegoat. 

Your analysis is correct. Lots of threads on here about PD bosses/colleagues. You never win. They stay PD. You stay miserable. I also found that HR is just another arm of management. It wont take your side ultimately unless you are in a position of power in the organisation.

[mimzy]

I suspect the incident regarding your co-worker being allowed to work from home set up a precedent they didn't intend being set up, (it was just a one-off to them) is the fly in the ointment.  They now become obligated to treat all employees equally in situations like this, not give favors to someone else because they have a supervisor in their corner, and they don't like it.  They don't like being called out on their unequal treatment.  They know they did wrong somewhere along the line (either with the other employee or with you) and are trying to cover it up.

Clara, thank you so much for writing that. I agree - I think that's exactly what happened. It wouldn't have been such a big deal except for the fact that I'm learning how complex a process it is to try and go on Short Term Disability. Working from home would have been so much simpler.

I admire what you said to your boss about having looked for a job when he hired you and you can do it again. I too have left jobs without having a back up -  because it just got so bad.

It's unfortunate in this situation because I'm pregnant and now I have so much time on my hands. The temptation to ruminate is fierce. But I'm not about to let that stop me from making healthy choices - going to 12 step meetings, sharing about the experience and doing things that are good for me.

Thanks again for your response.

[mimzy]

Bottom line, I'm not coming back to this place if I'm going to be the scapegoat. 

Your analysis is correct. Lots of threads on here about PD bosses/colleagues. You never win. They stay PD. You stay miserable. I also found that HR is just another arm of management. It wont take your side ultimately unless you are in a position of power in the organisation.

Agreed. It's terrible.