Am I the Abuser?

[Lavoy2113]

This is my first time on any site much less this one. I am reaching into the dark not knowing what I may or may not catch as it were...
I have been in an abusive marriage my entire life. I'm not even sure anymore if I am the abuser or the abused.  I would really like to find someone that I can reach out to and have an honest conversation to see if it is possible to find the answers.
We have seen counselors at least 5 to 10 times and the finger is pointing directly at me each time. I have not found a time where anyone says,, well it's obviously her fault and
You are a pretty good guy.
I used to think that I was but now I just don't know.  Do you think that we might be able to help each other some how?

[Starboard Song]

You're in the right place. Many folks struggle with this concern at some point: is it me or the other person?

The struggle at least tells you that you are open-minded: the worst offenders never doubt their own righteousness. Welcome here. In the Chosen Relationships boards you'll probably find more stories and struggles like your own.

It is worth directly addressing this concern at counselling. But do remember, it is best to not begin with the belief that either party is the bad guy. The most important thing is to ensure you are being your own best self, and seek confidence that you aren't insane: that what you perceive happening is what is happening.

Good luck to you. There are many members here who will be able to chime in as you share more of your story. See you on the boards.

[j.banquo]

Hi, welcome.

The struggle at least tells you that you are open-minded: the worst offenders never doubt their own righteousness. Welcome here. In the Chosen Relationships boards you'll probably find more stories and struggles like your own.

Agreed, whatever the situation is, approaching the problem from a stance of concern introspection, with an open mind, is the only way to explore it. There may be communication difficulties, major stress from outside your marriage that affects one or both of you, or a lot of conflict, or emotional, sexual, or physical abuse in any direction, or all of it.

Even for relationship counselors, it can be hard to imagine that a woman would be the abusive party in a relationship between a man and a woman. There will be plenty who will still stop at "it must be both of them somehow, so who knows." Anecdotal evidence is worthless; I have these stories, though, in case you can relate to them:

A close friend of mine was stabbed by his (now) ex-wife, who is very small, and she used to destroy his possessions with no provocation - plants, clothes, watches, dishes... She was dangerous and still is, but who knows what people think. He was embarrassed to say anything even when his physical safety was in danger, and had no confidence anyone would help him or believe him.

I once had to break up with someone, asking her to move out (kindly, calmly, on her timeline, once she found a place) since she screamed at me, for hours straight, at least twice a month. Our neighbors never really spoke to me again after they found out I asked her to leave, even though they must've heard her screaming. Honestly all she would've had to have said was "he kicked me out" and look sad, which I'm sure she did - she wouldn't have had to try to turn them against me, even.

I say this not to complain, only to point out that for many it is impossible to conceive of the idea of a woman abusing a man if he didn't "start it first" at least.

We have seen counselors at least 5 to 10 times and the finger is pointing directly at me each time. I have not found a time where anyone says,, well it's obviously her fault and
You are a pretty good guy.

I have a bunch of therapist friends, so I have some insight here maybe. Couples' therapy has to assume each party is operating from their own valid perspective; if the therapist starts saying something like "hey it looks like actually it's this person causing the problem," I'd run for the hills actually. It's totally counter to the point of that kind of therapy. They'd at least say "let's also do individual sessions" and look into that a long time before saying anything like that, and wouldn't be likely to say it in a couples' session.

Because of that, you're never going to hear something like "it's her fault, and you're actually a pretty good guy," even if that's what's going on. For that, you'll need a good therapist you can see individually, who's able to help you figure out where you might or might not be contributing to problems.

[Gettintired76]

Yes labor I know exactly where you are coming from, as I was in a 15 yr extremely abusive relationship, I still have to deal with the blame being put on me even by my family, my now ex is seeing a therapist who has placed the blame squarely on me, of course they can only go on what she tells them, but it is so true that all that has to be said is I basically did anything against her and I was the abusive one. Likewise I think it's sad that the woman doesn't have to do anything in court when it comes to the children but by god the man is under a microscope. It took me a long time to realize what was really what, hang in the bud we're all pulling for you.

[Lavoy2113]

I didn't know how to use this site so I gave up.
I decided to try again and figured it out.
I need a lot of help so I'm going to try hard.
My wife of 15 years who's 16 years my junior cut me off from sex over 10 years ago, she says she's completely justified because I'm a bad person. Today she told her 20 year d son in law that she wanted to kiss him, it was a punch in the guts I didn't see coming.  I have no choice but fix myself and move on. I'm 65
With a 5 year old and a 14 year old,  both girls.
She's already told me many times that she is going to take them from me and take my home and as much money as she can.
She hasn't worked for many years so she will
Put me in the gutter because she is the single best liar I've ever met and people believe her.

[Lavoy2113]

I could figure this site out so I gave up.
I decided to try again.  I'll will come back much more often