Am I crazy?

[apparentlyImgiftd]

When do you know what "normal" is? When do you stop making excuses for their behavior? How many times is too many to keep trying?  I have 4 kids that are young adults now, one still under 18. I have lived through words of hate, addiction, BPD, Bipolar and an affair with him.  Sounds like I would answer my own question right? Why would anyone stay with this man? 
At first, I had four kids under 5 when everything started crumbling and I could not leave because my family and friends all said I can't make it alone.  Then I started having severe panic disorder and suffocating feelings because I was trapped and had doctor after doctor just put me on more anti-depressants.  Then I was trapped because he was a public figure and we had to move every 3 years.  Each move I was blamed for the adjustment in his career- each move he became more resentful and put me as the reason his life was not happier.  For each move I did all the packing, moving and gathering of kids and their shattered lives alone.  I have accommodated his mood swings, his highs and lows and carted the kids into the car to prevent them from seeing or hearing his rages.  He has what I call: If Only disease.  If only I had this job, lived in this city, got this inheritance, didn't have this boss, was more fit, ...on and on it goes
Two months ago Voldemort applied for a job outside of our state.  This job paid $4k more than his job here in an affordable living state. He interviewed without telling any of us.  He then got the final interview to fly there (which was on our 26 wedding anniversary) and he gave me nothing, and forgot about it till in the car driving at 2pm with my kids to the airport.  He got the job and from the moment he left for the interview none of us spoke to him about taking the job.  What it would mean to our marriage, how my 16 yr old would feel, what the game plan was, how we could afford another place---I swear to you all, I went totally silent, mute to the subject.  He ignored my silence and just moved forward with the move, I to this day (3 weeks later) have no clue what his apartment looks like!  He packed a car and left with a peck on the cheek and no discussion by any of us.
He texted my older daughter and said he was coming to see us on his birthday in a week.  This is when I simply stated no, at this time we are all processing him leaving his family and do not need him back until their graduation.  You would have thought I hit him with some knowledge that aliens are here.    The first stage: "I can't believe none of you told me this was not okay" and now that all of us have ghosted him and his calls, "I am seeing a therapist, I have lost 13 lbs and am lifting weights and I will do anything to get you to love me, I know you need space, you are my life and I would die for you"
So here we all are just dumbfounded. Therepists for all of us and each of them stating we should tell Voldemort how we feel and how it made us feel..blah blah. My 18 yr old said, "why do I have to tell him what he did wrong and how he sucks at being a dad and a husband? It is not my job to parent him or tell him that his actions were wrong and how to be a man"  I agree.  There is nothing I fee safe saying that won't end in him manipulating me again.  He will beg, tell me how wrong he was, discuss his process for becoming the man we all needed.  So HOW DO WE TALK TO THIS MAN? What is the strategy to not become a victim of his rationalizing? I can't file for divorce until September as I need three of the 4 to be in college and overseas for college, I owe them that peace of mind.  I need a strategist not a therapist   I know how I feel. I need a game plan and I can't find anyone to be that for me.  Is there a resource that understands their manipulations and will guide you in how to communicate without getting abused along the way?

[JustKeepTrying]

apparentlyimgifted - I like your handle.

You are not crazy.  And it will get worse unfortunately until you can make a clean break.

Why wait to file?  Talk to a lawyer and start doing the planning.   I left my son's sophomore.  It wasn't safe for me anymore.  32 years of crazy behavior.  Made me physically sick with the constant stress.

Right now, as you make a plan, and since you have moved so frequently,  here are a few tips.  Have a quick exit.  Like a bag and some cash and a place, you and the kids can go with a disposable cell phone.   PD's when confronted can turn physical - even if he is in another state.  Best to be safe.  Also, make a list of all possessions - video the house and list on a spreadsheet.  Pay particular attention to what you brought to the marriage before/what you may have inherited/what you will need.  This is tricky and lots of divorces are held up over the separation of assets.  Next, list out all financial accounts.  Make sure you have a clear picture of where you are financially.   PDs hide money.  Mine hid a lot and it took a great deal for me to find it.  Still not sure I found it all.  Take the time now to start tracking.  Last, make copies of everything.  Marriage certificates, birth certificates, tax records, health records, passports, mortgage - any and all.  Start creating a file of all these important docs.

Now that's out of the way - here is a question for the lawyer - if he left for another job, out of state, with no plan in place for you. to follow - is that abandonment, and does it make a difference?  Might with child support.

My heart goes out to you.  You will get through this and it will be better on the other side.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

The phrase "If it hurts it isn't love" springs to my mind.

His projection onto you of all his problems is typical. He has no insight into his own behaviour. He has to blame someone else because he can't blame himself. He is the cause of all his problems but can't see that.

Apart from the the other resources suggested you may like to watch the YouTube videos by the counsellor and author Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". It is also a podcast of the same name.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[apparentlyImgiftd]

You guys are awesome! Thank you for the quick response.  It is easy to feel alone and just having you even read what I wrote made me feel sane and better.  I am doing everything suggested.  Good idea on the abandonment!