Assembling thoughts

[Golightly]

My relationship of 20 years ended last October.  My husband, who had hidden his excessive consumption of alcohol from me (and many others) chose to leave rather than join me at proper relationship counselling.  For some time he had said he would attend the sessions, the appointments were made and the deposit paid, but then when the time came, "No". 
To prevent his family believing anything I might tell them about him, or what was happening in our relationship, he destroyed my reputation with them all. 
I thought carefully who about who he may have applied that approach to with me, and contacted his previous partner.  Her experience mirrored mine almost perfectly.
To continue believing and hoping the person I thought was my husband was real, in the face of clear evidence to the contrary required considerable mental gymnastics. 
He has gone, now, but keeps wanting some form of relationship to continue.  Two e-mails today, initial supplication, then a slightly angry tone. 
It would be so easy to resume hope and undo all that has happened since last October. 
I am so vulnerable.  I think he may know that. 
I don't want him to know that I am only just surviving.  I have no family and without the relationship I am alone.  Work is work, but there are not really friends there.  Yesterday and so many days have been very difficult.
One day at a time.

[Spring Butterfly]

Welcome Golightly and I'm glad you found this community for support. It's not easy to stay strong in the face of such behavior. Internally we may be a mess and carry on externally.

My situation is different but the behavior is similar. It's all about appearances and compliance. When things don't go their way we experience things like what's outlined in the Top 100 Traits. In case you haven't seen that at the top of the forum here's some that come to mind for your situation:

You've cut off supply and experiencing part of this cycle:
https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/21/abusive-cycle

and this one
https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/false-accusations-and-distortion-campaigns?rq=talk%20

There are others but those are two that come to mind.

When I landed here the Toolbox really helped me so much. As you settle in here I hope you find this community as supportive as I have since I arrived. Wishing you peace.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

I am sorry to hear your story. Like you say, one day at a time. People here will understand your pain.

[Golightly]

Thank you for your kind responses and the suggested links.  It is very sad (and also reassuring) to read the page on False Accusations.  I didn't realise that was a pattern of behaviour that deserves its own page.  It must be more common than I thought.  The suggestions about what to do and not do are good to know.
I find the situation incredibly sad, and such a waste of opportunity and happiness.  I think that is why I am vulnerable and need to stay away.  I can't help thinking how dreadful it must be to live in such an unhappy way, and that love and support will help it come good.  The problem is that didn't work for so long long and might have even enabled the destructive patterns continue. 
Sometimes it felt as though I was living with a parasite; taking almost everything (attention, time financial support) but at the same time ensuring the host (me) stayed alive and remained engaged in the marriage.  It seems a dreadful way for me to think.  Other time I think that could not possibly be true.  It seems such a distortion.