Rock Bottom Nine Years Later

[atticusfinch]

Hey all, I haven't posted on the site for a while, thanks in advance for listening to me.

I left my NPD/ASPD husband almost exactly nine years ago. It was a very harrowing experience, but it was healing and empowering to get to the other side. Our divorce took 2.5 years and a lot of money, and even though it was exhausting, I was blessed with a judge who saw things clearly and came down heavily in my favor.

During our divorce, my ex husband stalked me physically and electronically. He has multiple high-level degrees and a powerful position at work that gives him access to secret government stuff--I'm not sure what, since he was never allowed to talk about it. Basically, though, his position, knowledge, and skills made it so I felt like I was constantly having to change phone carriers, passwords, computers, cover my webcam with masking tape, etc, in addition to living in physical fear, ie with pepper spray, a taser, and even a secret room my dad built for me to hide in.

Despite the downsides of leaving him, I was initially very happy. I lost 30 pounds, started dating again, went places I could never go when we were married (camping!), etc. I knew he'd always be hard to deal with, but I figured he'd eventually move on?

He did not move on. He actively tried to alienate our kids from me and actively tried to kill my dating life by following men I dated in his car, taking mutual single friends out to lunch to "warn" them about me, and generally causing havoc on my nights "off" (ie the nights he had the kids). On his nights with the kids (once a week, overnight, and every other weekend plus holidays and vacation), which were nights that I tried to either work (I do freelance work from home), or get some much needed time to myself (we have five kids), or go on dates, he would often cause drama.

He still does this--and seems to have a sixth sense (or is still spying on me electronically--nine years on!) for when I have something important going on. This means causing drama about what the kids pack (accusing me of not providing for them and threatening to take money out of my support check) or expecting me to run all sorts of errands for them on his parent time, randomly leaving me with one child or returning kids early without asking or even telling me he was doing so (I have been at several professional events and had to leave early because he did this--dropped the kids off at my house).

Then he will tell the kids how lazy I am, how I don't even try to work, how I took all his money, and even escalated to telling them outright, over and over, that I'm "worthless."

I decided to go back and get a Master's degree a few years ago and he filed for sole legal custody of our kids three days before I was to start. He knew about it, because he was scheduled to watch the kids that week. So basically, my first year of graduate school, I was caring for five kids on my own, going to school full time, and spending enormous amounts of time on our stupid custody case, which my attorney said he'd never win--but we still had to fight it. And, of course, he mounded us with a billion discovery requests (every time I'd been to the doctor in three years, for example). And then, by the end of the year (I think he was trying to get me to quit school, and when it didn't work, he decided it wasn't as fun as he'd hoped?), he called for mediation and acted a martyr to the mediator, saying he was just "ready to be done with this," as if *I* were the one who'd filed the whole thing to begin with!

Short story--I agreed to reduce the years he'd have to pay alimony in exchange for keeping custody of the kids (it was pretty clear he hadn't actually wanted it) and arranged for a raise in child support so he wouldn't just keep suing me to get concessions.

Second year I was in grad school, the pandemic hit, and so suddenly, with five kids home all day every day, my ex decided not to take the kids at all for several months. Basically, I had to pull more all-nighters than I've ever done in my whole life over those two years.

I graduated--hooray! And then I hit rock bottom, and I haven't been able to scrape myself off the floor ever since. I gained all my weight back, plus some. I've gone in and out of being very, very depressed, despite being on a relatively high dose of anti-depressants (part of it is that my grandma-who was like a mom--died). The freelance work I do requires creativity, which requires periods of calm, but it is hard to get that when I have so much to deal with at home (five kids--two now grown, but one is married and moved back in with his wife).

I can't concentrate--ADHD and then maybe just all the layers of trauma? And I feel like Pavlov's dog. Even though my ex remarried last year, he's escalated his controlling behaviors in my direction again--leaving the kids with me with no notice, stopping alimony payments early, spying on me electronically again. He called several people in our local church congregation in our last two neighborhoods to complain about me, and it just happened again.

In short (long--sorry!), nine years on, I'm back to worrying about my physical safety (I have this weird suspicion he might try to just have his new wife take care of our kids and he'd like me out of the picture), he's threatening to sue for custody again, I'm broke, I'm exhausted, my self-esteem is at an all-time low, and I'm just completely demoralized. I feel like I'm drowning, and every time I stick my head above water, he shoves it back down, so I'm just really fighting to even want to stick my head above water again.

[I should add that despite all this, I'm the one who is struggling most. Our kids are doing remarkably well--one was even valedictorian last year. They are, for the most part, successful in school, and kind, considerate people, except for having some degree of blinders on with regard to my humanity, just because they have been told so many things about me by my ex. I just didn't want anyone to think it's all bad! I left for their sakes, so at least that part makes it worth it]

[I should also add that my relationship with my dysfunctional FOO has deteriorated somewhat over the last couple years as well, and I stopped dating a few years ago, and I just generally lost touch with friends during the pandemic, so I'm feeling pretty isolated]

[InTheDragonsDen]

You are amazing and your kids are the luckiest in the world.

Sounds like he used some low tech tracking or programs to spy on you while you were together. Easy to get. Easy to install. Cheap. Then used some tidbits to get you to buy into him being all powerful and able to track you and know everything about you. He would only need to give one or two examples to get you to believe.

Upon exiting a relationship it is important to save all the information on your phone. Do a factory reset and reinstall your saved information. This will remove any tracking or sharing of information. Then you should only need to change your password once. Your computer will also need to have photos etc saved and reinstalled to factory condition. Change the password.

Your situation is way above my knowledge about such things. The only advice I can give is are there local resources available to you (non cost).

Seek legal or other help.

I am sure others with more knowledge and experience will be more helpful.

Stand tall! You talking about your kids gave me a warm feeling inside. You are the best. Take care and good luck.

[hhaw]

((((atticus))))

You're an Amazon warrior and I've missed your voice on the board.

I'm sorry you're struggling right now.  Trust your gut.  You know your pdex better than anyone. 

I want you to know I'm proud of you for finishing your Masters.....amazing, considering the roadblocks and sabotage.

It's ok to feel defeated and broken and unable to cope.  In a way, it's your body and Nervous System letting you know something has to give and some changes feel like a death, ime.

Remember, sometimes karma....whatever you want to call it, reaches out and touches the toxic people, same as it touches the kind hearted, ime.

I hope you go into nature, put in music you love and dance.....just dance.

You're out. 

Do what you can to mitigate risk and harm then get back to the joy your ex can't take.

That's yours.

((((attics and kids))))

I hope your kids are doing ok.

[atticusfinch]

aw, I've missed you too!

Thank you SO much for your kind words and for making me feel seen and supported. I appreciate you 

I will definitely check into some of the free resources available for legal help and some of the other stuff. I thought my career would take off after I got my Master's degree and that money would be less of an issue, but didn't realize that my body was going to force me to take a break and try to recover from the trauma and stress. My ex has lots of money and resources, so I feel like a sitting duck much of the time, and where I used to set better boundaries, post-divorce, I've let some slip because I haven't felt like I could manage blow-back from him, if that makes sense.

My kids are the best part of everything. They are doing well considering everything! My oldest got married this fall, and as his bride was staring at him with adoring eyes, I felt it wash over me that even if it were just for that one thing--my son being a kind, considerate, thoughtful man rather than an abusive one--then leaving was worth it. And my second oldest was valedictorian. The fun thing has been watching how much more aware and empowered my girls are than I was, and even than most of the girls around them. We live in an area with really traditional values, which is great, but which I also feel sometimes doesn't completely prepare girls for some of the uglier sides of relationships.

[hhaw]

You're kids are ok!!!

That's amazing and testimony to your parenting, atticus.

[Leonor]

 

And your lovely son and his adoring wife can BABYSIT.

[notrightinthehead]

You are crashing. You are still in trauma mode and after white knuckling your masters you might have crashed. Because of the stress he puts you under you might be hyper vigilant and anxious all the time. No wonder you suffer.
First step you might want to take - create a safe space for yourself. Would that be possible?

[LikeTheSea]

Hello, I'm relatively new to the site but not to a pd spouse and difficult divorce.   You may want to have a burner dumbphone (like those from 20 years ago) to make important calls. Keep the number and the existence of it secret from your ex.  You can turn off your location in your smartphone in the settings. It will be difficult to follow you if your phone can't transmit where you are. Or you can turn off your phone.

You've done a lot of great work. No one can take that away from you.

[hhaw]

Atticus......how're you doing?

I wanted to say.....all the negative things in your life might take up your every thought......might be all you see.  My therapist calls this "nose on the pebble" perspective.

My therapist went on to teach me how to create spaciousness around my trauma and problems so I gained perspective to see more than the Pebble.

More emotional distance means I can see the other pebbles, rocks, trees, lakes, rivers and sky, etc.

The added benefit to healing our trauma, Nervous Systems and reactuvity expands our window of resilience, bc there's always going to be (COWs) or...crisis of the week.

You have so many good things in your life.  Your ex robbing you of simple joys and serenity, if you can take some back, is too too hard, ime.

I hope you find ways to wrestle back all you can from the toxic people in your life.

You've used the bad things as fuel.....I hope you find ways to do that going forward.