History and Present

[breathe]

I've come back to this Out of the FOG recently after taking some time off.  Honestly, I lived this for so long that I needed a break to catch my breath and enjoy the moments as my daughter graduated/started college. 

I came back as I'm now in a healthy relationship with a man who has an ex similar to mine (uNPD) with kids who are now about the same age as my D was when I divorced (he has been divorced for a few years).  I've seen behaviors that were so very similar, but I think he wasn't ready to hear my experiences in relation to his - I was living far from my ex and had long ago quit trying to co-parent.  He is still trying to co-parent and they share custody.  Recently, things took a turn for the worst - not surprisingly when he and I bought a house together.  His xuNPD is working hard at parental alienation.

As I read different accounts from many members, I also read back on my own - the beginnings and how far I had come - how much my daughter and I had grown after going NC.  The writings got lighter and more hopeful.  I wish I could tell all of you, including my current SO, that things will get lighter and they will get better.  I was there and am again, one step removed, back there.  I see how much these relationships drain some of the joy out of a relationship, watching children grow up, celebrating life. 

NC was the best thing I did - hard at times and definitely hard with a child in tow, but necessary for my sanity.  Like many of you, my SO is not in a place where NC is possible (although they seldom talk, they do have to co-parent and they also attend co-parenting therapy together to try to help).  He watches the adverse effects on his kids and he sees their distrust as xuNPD puts things on them - reminding them of things that never happened (planting memories), putting oldest child in role of mothering youngest when they are with us and she cannot be here, treating oldest as an adult friend/confidant rather than as a daughter, encouraging oldest to sneak around and lie (saying she is going to a friend's so she can really go spend time with mom during dad parenting time), having oldest call police whenever an argument ensues, having oldest tape arguments to try to prove emotional abuse (courts and police have both noted normal parent-child interaction), having oldest write multiple affidavits to court about various interactions, and more.  There is even a report with a mediator where mom says she wants sole custody, but told the co-parenting counselor that she wants to maintain 50/50, having no idea why he thinks she wants sole custody even though it's in court documents as being stated by mom.

SO gets tired of fighting on so many fronts - tired of the ex games, tired of fighting his daughter, tired of not trusting daughter, wanting to help his kids without bad-mouthing mom, wanting to maintain custody at current level because afraid to make things worse.  I understand parts of the exhaustion as I lived it too but there is so much more I didn't live because I was far away.

None of us have the same experiences, but we have like experiences and like feelings associated with trying to parent through the insanity. 

All of this will get better.  Out of the FOG helps with coping strategies, sanity checks, balances, boundary setting, and advice.  There will be ups and downs.  Going NPD as soon as the situation allows is priceless.  Giving kids a voice, and more importantly, not down-playing or washing over their experiences but acknowledging them for what they truly are is vital.  As much as parents need this site, kids also need those balances and reminders that this is not normal.  Support them where you can and get them professional help where you can.

Throughout it all, take care of yourself to be strong for your kids.

[Penny Lane]

 

I'm glad you've made your way to this part of the forum.

I'm sorry that just as you got free (by going NC) with one PD, your life ended up tangled with another one.

This is a very extreme case of alienation and I'm sorry you're having to witness it.

Take car of yourself, this is incredibly hard for everyone involved.

[athene1399]

Thank you for sharing. And thank you for pointing out that things got better for you. I think when in the thick of things, especially parental alienation, it can be difficult to remember that. I am glad NC was good for you. It has been great for us too. We were able to go NC once SD turned 19. It has gotten rid of most of the stress.