Why reconcilation wouldn't work

[Gaining Clarity]

Hi Blues_cruise,

I feel for you. The guilt that society tends to put on us can really make us question our decisions with regarding to NPD family members, especially elderly parents.

I started chronicling the negative interactions that I experienced with uNMom and uNGC sib. Years of blaming and gaslighting from them often made me question my own perceptions and sanity. Whenever they try to hoover or someone from a healthy family tells me I need to reconcile (NC for a year plus now), I turn to the list to remind myself why I went NC.

My uNGC sib pulled the uNMom doesn't have much time left. You need to repair the relationship. uNMom also badgered me to see her. Well, I finally caved against my better instincts and agreed to see her. Guess what? She cancelled on my twice, the last incident because she "would rather spend the day with her sick friend".  Choosing her sick friend (whom my DH and I don't think is actually sick based on what uNMom told my DH) over the child she hasn't seen in over year?

That was enough for me to finally and completely free myself from societal expectations/guilt to make nice with uNMom. The interesting thing is that leading up to the date that we agreed to meet/rescheduled date, I had absolutely no desire to see her, let alone guilt about feeling that way. My life has improved immeasurably since I went NC.

I say trust your instincts. They will guide you in the right direction. I have found too that opening up to others (provided that they're supportive) and telling my story often elicits a good amount of sympathy and non-judgment.  You deserve to be happy. We only have one life and it's fleeting.

[all4peace]

Yes, I can relate. Unfortunately now that my gma got wind of estrangement between me and my parents she has had a lot of advice to give.

I think what people don't understand is attachment, trauma bonds and the fact that relationships need an actual foundation. If there is no foundation of trust, affection, good memories, decent attachment.....then what on earth do we rebuild a relationship on?!

People think it's just a matter of forgiveness, of letting go of resentment and bitterness. Well, that's good but it still doesn't give us a foundation to build on.

You are not alone.

[all4peace]

However, I feel more and more grounded in the truth that not everyone who has a child is a parent, and that just because they raised me doesn't mean I owe them for it.

Pure gold. Society wants us to behave towards our elders as if they are loving parents, but not everyone who has a child is a parent. Sometimes we need to just live out the truth of our relationship, whatever that looks like for us.