Would you say something or stay silent?

[DfromC]

Hi everyone.. It's been a while since I've posted. I don't post very often and actually stray way from the board often as it's kind of triggering in it's own way..so here again is some of my background...

I have had issues with my mother my whole life. In 2001, I wrote a 15 page letter about some issues that could no longer be ignored and never got a response. In 2015, I was accused of not caring about them since I did not respond to an email asking about our relationship and that is how I found this forum and starting coming Out of the FOG. In 2016 I was MC/LC with my parents. It seemed I always had to be the one to call and then got reprimanded for it being so long since they've heard from me. Things had been okay but very superficial. I shared the minimal. I was absent from the board for most of 2016 as things were tolerable.  In May 2017, I chose to take an unexplained time out for something my mother said to my daughter. This in turned seemed to become a ST in return.  In March 2018 they finally contacted me and wanted to know what the plan was for the year. I emailed them after giving things some thought for a few days and said that I don't have a plan. I told them that something happened last year that made me step back and take some time for myself. I said that I have lived a lot of my life trying to please them and think of them before me but it's my time to focus on me first.  I said a bit about what a healthy relationship should be and that I do love them but I am still just needing more time for me. And a few days later they responded back with (paraphrased) they are sorry that their efforts have not worked out and that they will never be perfect but have worked hard with the help of a T to bring a new approach to become closer but that now to stop the hurting, they will stop connecting. In 2018, I still acknowledged their birthdays but in 2019 i did not and there has been no other communication from me to them. They sent a card at christmas 2018 with a notable absence of a return address ( you need to know my mom loves her return address labels  )i knew they were moving soon after we stopped communicating and now I don't know their address. Since 2018 it's been evident that DSis who lives elsewhere is a flying monkey and so our relationship has been rocky. I took a time out from her too in 2019.  I got a 'lovely' box hand delivered to the front driveway on my birthday in Aug 2019 from my parents with a box of old photos and a note telling me they learned to live with the fact that they are not needed in my life but that I'm disrespectful and unfair for not communicating with my sister. I did not send them any acknowledgement. I saw DSis in person in Nov 2019 where I laid down some boundaries and agreed to try to re-establish our relationship as long as she did not share what I said to our parents. We have been texting a bit since then but really it's still LC and I'm kind of sharing the minimal as my trust in her is not strong . On Valentine's day my parents sent a quick note to me to an old email address that is still active but not used. And then last weekend my sister sent an email there too which I did not respond to. Yesterday she forwarded it to my current email address that both she and my parents have known of for 3+ years and so I responded to her last night  and indicated it was the better address to use. 3 hours later my parents re-email the note from Feb 14 saying Dsis just let us know you have an alternate email..
So even though they knew of this email address, I'm still thinking my sister has broken my trust, and I'm angry with her. I feel like any little bit of the baby steps we had made have been completely shattered. Tell me if I'm wrong.  What would you do? Call her out on it? Or just ignore it and go NC with her?
And since I never really said I wanted to be NC with my parents do I make a statement to establish that?  I don't like that they are contacting me on these special days now. I am happy being NC and am still working on me and so have no plans to re-establish any relationship with them. This crap is never fun to deal with.. Thanks for any thoughts/wisdom/insight you may have - I've always found it helpful here.

[TwentyTwenty]

Hi, I'm sorry you are going through this.

My personal experience and opinion is the immediate and complete severance of any and all communication that will cause you pain, unhappiness and impact your life negatively. Calling anyone out on anything when they have a mental disorder, or in the case of flying monkeys, enmeshed and under the influence of  someone with a mental disorder, will only bring further harm and damage to your well being. It never has a positive outcome where the lightbulb goes off and they admit 'your right, I do have a severe mental problem!' It's  just not going to happen.

Personally, I'd spend my attention and energy on something more positive and productive for my own well being. Not the impossible task of swaying an opinion that cannot be swayed.

[footprint]

Hi DfromC,

Much of what you describe sounds similar to events, phases, and treatment I've been through with NPD parents. They did something almost identical to me with a small batch of photos.

I'm so sorry about your sister. If it were me, I'd go VLC with her and keep things very superficial, then maybe I'd fade off to Nc with her. She is unfortunately doing your parents' bidding. If you would like closure, you could mention something about how she broke the trust, but I wouldn't go into too much detail about it.

With those we trust with our histories and what we've been through with the PD parents, it is deeply painful and triggering to see them betray us.  Again, I'm so sorry you've been through it. I've had this happen, mainly with cousins and friends in the shared social network, and it both enrages and saddens me. A part of it reminds me of the situation in zombie movies when the protagonist trusts a friend and that friend has already been bitten by a zombie and turns into one too.

I have two brothers and have been NC with them for 10 years. I've been fully NC with my parents for 4 years, though I did a slow fade out from them over the course of 6 years before that. I haven't been to their home nor the state in which they live since 2008. They still try to reach me even though I've blocked them on email and phone.

Sending hugs your way.
footprint

[overitall]

I have to agree with everyone here...I have tried to maintain a relationship with one of my sisters over the year...ultimately she would eventually share information about me to uBPDm and uNPDf, even though I was adamant about not sharing...she would start out okay, but as soon as my parents realized she had access to information about me, she would start sharing....it happened over three times over the course of years...this last time was it for me and I've been completely and totally NC for two and a half years...when I would bring it up she would become defensive and turn it around and somehow everything would become my fault
In my opinion, Ωpeople who grow up in a disordered family have a very difficult time recognizing boundaries, etc., because it was never learned....I have spent years and years studying, analyzing, and working on the damage caused by my very dysfunctional childhood.  I made a conscious decision to better my life and escape the abuse...For my sister, she is still entwined in the drama....
Staying silent keeps you out of the drama, in my opinion...

[gratitude]

Your story is familiar to me too. My sister and I keep a relationship with the agreement that we don't share info about or to my mother since she maintains a relationship with her. But I find that she still gives out information, no doubt some is without thinking. It annoys me, especially when I have asked to keep my life private. When my mother has any information about me, she uses it to pretend we are still in contact and to hide the fact of our estrangement.

I just got a recent hoover from my mother and I intend to just ignore it. I think in your case, it is best just to let it go and continue with your healthy life and life choices.

Hugs,
Grat