Worried I'll again go no contact with them

[Stardust1982]

Hi guys and thanks for this lovely forum.

As you can see from the title, I am worried about possibly having to go NC again with my narcissistic mother and codependent, slightly narcissistic father. I first cut ties with them in 2016 when they behaved in the most horrible way towards a family member who died. So I then felt abuse through the way they have abused this close family member of mine (I cant' enter into details but it was serious).

I lifted the no contact boundary when the pandemic hit. Can you believe that I was deeply worried they might get sick and die and I needed to be there for them and see them again? Melancholy and regret hit hard so I called them up and asked about their health. I then ended up talking often to them and moving back home. Yeah, I was that worried and codependent. The 'caretaker' in me was dying to get out and fulfill her role one more time.

Now, after months of living with them I realized how deep into the trauma bond I've got. So much so that, I avoid getting a job so that I won't have to move out (getting my own place) and having to go minimal contact or possibly no contact again.
You might ask why would I need to do that once I no longer live with them?

That's because my mother's behavior changes drastically when one kid of her moves away-from calm and slightly normal to obsessed, codependent, abusive and demanding. I noticed this when I left home for the first time and later on, I went low contact. She was the most manipulative and mean person I've ever seen. She also turned into a stalker (she cyberstalked me and then asked my relatives to find info about me online).
Yeah, she is I guess a deeply needy, addictive narcissist who cannot physically live without her supplies (me and my siblings). This woman is so manipulative that she got my brother to live with her until he was 35 (!!) and manipulated him into thinking he can never be on his own and can't survive independently. So now my brother is incapable of living anywhere else than near her. It is so sad

Anyway, my question is how do I deal with the guilt of going away from her and possibly going No Contact with my entire family if mother becomes again abusive (and she will become that-as I've seen it happening).

Do any of you have experience of dealing with the guilt of no contact successfully? Have any of you actually managed to go no contact and stay that way? How did you do it? Did you have support from someone?

My main issue is the damn guilt and the drama that will result from setting up boundaries and not being around any of the FOO members.

Stardust

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi Stardust that sounds like a rough situation. I'm sorry you're going through it...and I relate.

The guilt is really hard. It's an emotion I just have to prepare for, work with, and get on the other side of. I haven't been NC long. But the more I keep it up the more I realize that it's like ripping off a band aid. That's been my choice, is to do it that way instead of slowly peeling it off, and just deal with the extreme pain of going off the grid right away in order to finally feel like I'm getting somewhere (somewhere my FOO does not want me to go). It's a lot of grief.

In my situation, if I go back to the way things were, I'd have some moments of relief and it would assuage my guilt, sure. But I'd still have that band aid on that I'll always feel needs to come off eventually. While the pain would be lesser with some breaks, I feel it would get in the way of my healing and put it off for a lot longer when I'm ready to live a whole life now (sadly without family...they did not want to come along.)

I've gotten so much comfort from others on this forum who have been NC much longer and who say it gets better, I'm sure they could weigh in. That gives me hope. And some things in my life have gotten so much better! The guilt is very intense at first but it does slowly get replaced with something better: peace. And loving yourself first.

This is just the way I've gone about NC, everyone is different. Some go from VLC to VVVVLC and slowly into NC over many many years. My circumstances pushed me to do it very abruptly and I didn't explain it to FOO which I feel terrible about almost daily, but I realize it was my only necessary choice (and not really my fault - it was the only one left where I could keep respecting myself and the life I was creating. My family put me in that position, not me).

I do feel that a huge part of the NC journey is doing it on your terms and learning to validate yourself and what feels best for you, even if it's different from what other people do. Practically everyone I've interacted with on this forum has told me that, and I have found it to be so true! Only you know what is right and the right way to approach NC, and when, and how. We're learning to make choices that our gut instincts tell us are necessary, and how to stand by them - which is something our families have gotten in the way of all of our lives.

[D.]

Everyone has such great insights and questions here.  I am in the process of figuring out contact  level and reducing it myself.   As I started changing contact level I struggled with guilt too but I noticed that as I decreased contact with pd parents and increased contact with healthy people and taking care of myself my joy increased, my stress decreased and that helps a lot with letting go of the guilt.  I wonder if, as you reduce contact, maybe pay attention to those increases in joy as well.  That may really help with reducing guilt. It did for me at least.  Because you deserve joy and a healthy life.

[Stardust1982]

Thank you, both, very much. I didn't know that we decide how to approach NC, and this feels much better.