When do you make the decision?

[p123]

Im pretty much at my wits end now. Hes done so much to hurt me its become so obvious that I'm nothing to him just a resource. I just really feel like I dont care anymore...
I think about when hes gone. It used to make me sad. Now I just worry that people will look at me at the funeral and see that I'm not sad at all....

It was my birthday sunday. He phoned me the day before, it was obvious he'd totally forgotten. His excuse "I can't get you a card, just take £20 out of my bank account". Umm good effort there Dad, thanks, and you could have asked the person who gets your shopping to get a card. As usual with Dad, didn't bother.

Yesterday, phoned me at 9pm. Obviously forgot again.....

I get hes old but he remembers things he wants. He just seems obsessed with himself. Example- he has pay TV, I got him a discount once, now hes obsessed with it. Every few months he wants me to phone them to get a discount. Its hassle, its like an hour on hold, all the save £5 a month. EVERY SINGLE conversation with Dad is then "have you called them? Why not?" I honestly do not have time...... He wont forget this but forgets my birthday.

So yesterdays call was obviously not to wish me happy birthday but there was something on his mind. I thought here we go. Where I am in the UK, they've had travel restrictions since xmas. I live 25 miles from Dad, brother lives 1 mile so I've been unable to visit. Not sad about that....

Last week they announced some changes but still not allowed to travel more than 5 miles from home. Its all over the new......

So Dad says "so you can visit next week". "Umm no Dad sorry". "yes you can". "umm no". "Its not fair Im 86 and you need to visit". "Umm sorry dont make the rules".

Turns out brother (who I dont speak to) has, as he does, told Dad he cant visit next week and told Dad I can. Not the first time hes done this.

Apparently, because brother starts work at 6am this week hes too tired to visit. Umm so? All of us work. I've got kids to look after too he hasn't. Once again, its Dad inference that brothers blue collar job is way harder than my office based job and hes "so tired". I do 24/7 on call and I remember Dad once pretty much forcing me to visit him when I'd been up since 4am dealing with a call - that got ignored.

He gets meal on wheels delivered etc so hes not going to starve. He deliberately lets his food in the massive freezer run low. Not only because he doesnt want to spend money to fill it but its a bargaining chip for him for me to visit - "I need food you'll have to visit".

He tried the "but I need milk". In the past, I've bought him the more expensive milk (its called cravendale in the uk). Its costs a little more but it lasts WAY longer so its ideal for him. All he did was moan it cost more. This is the man with over £40K in the bank concerned about a few more pennies to help himself.

I'm just not in the mood, to drive 25 miles each way after work, which will end up being 2 hours, to deliver a pint of milk because he has scammed me like this. Its also against the law - unlikely to get pulled over but in theory I could get fined.

Hes got this idea in his head that hes so ill he has to be "helped". Truth of the matter is, for his age of 86, hes in very very good health indeed. He just will not help himself and seems to enjoy everyone running around for him,

I am TOTALLY sick of it. Everything seems to revolve around him. Ive had my own issues in the past, Teenage son has aspergers, wife has health issues, and  I've got a 7 year old daughter (Im 53!). Its been a tough few years I will admit - but dad has never once thought of me. I've tried explaining times that, yes, I will help him where I can but he has to realise I have others to think about. His answer is always "you're family need to understand I need your help". What?

I really really do not want to go back to visiting him after lockdown....

[AlisonWonder]

Good venting, you sound really fed up.  Don't let it spoil your time with your family!  I hope things improve soon.

[Starboard Song]

Your title is "When Do You Make the Decision?"

I know you've endured real emotional hurt. Feeling like an unloved resource is terrible. But your posts are almost entirely about physical conditions you can control, not emotional abuse. They are about phone calls, visits, and chores.

What I see is that after months of struggle you have not altered your boundaries. Before going NC, I would propose beginning a new regime where you never again do things that (1) you don't want to do, and (2) are unreasonable to ask. He's 86 and home bound: he is entirely incapable of making you do anything at all. In this new regime, you can also throttle communication points, being kind and communicative, but only on a schedule and via mediums of which you approve. In this new regime you spend your Dad's money to order food for delivery, get the expensive milk, and never make unreasonable calls to beg for utility discounts. You can explain everything with kindness -- once -- but never argue. You explain yourself once, say "I understand, Dad, and I will never let you suffer. But this is what I need to do to ensure I can take care of my own home as well" once, and then you politely end that call or conversation. He'll be frustrated as all hell. But, while you will quietly endure a few small barbs, you will not argue about this ever again.

This is a sketch, and it is overly prescriptive and a bit harsh.

But here's the deal: it is not for nothing that you've endured so much for this man. You either continue to love him, or have deep moral misgivings about abandonment, or otherwise believe it is the right or easier thing to do. I fear that if you went NC you'd suffer emotionally from that too, unless you really really tried true boundaries first.

Boundaries
The 50% Rule
My Stuff Your Stuff

[TwentyTwenty]

Sorry you're going through this.

I went NC personally when I refused to continue to accept mental and physical harm from my FOO.

My threshold for harm is zero %. I refuse to allow harm to myself or family from anyone, including my parents.

So for me, it was a pretty simple, final, non-negotiable decision.

[p123]

Your title is "When Do You Make the Decision?"

I know you've endured real emotional hurt. Feeling like an unloved resource is terrible. But your posts are almost entirely about physical conditions you can control, not emotional abuse. They are about phone calls, visits, and chores.

What I see is that after months of struggle you have not altered your boundaries. Before going NC, I would propose beginning a new regime where you never again do things that (1) you don't want to do, and (2) are unreasonable to ask. He's 86 and home bound: he is entirely incapable of making you do anything at all. In this new regime, you can also throttle communication points, being kind and communicative, but only on a schedule and via mediums of which you approve. In this new regime you spend your Dad's money to order food for delivery, get the expensive milk, and never make unreasonable calls to beg for utility discounts. You can explain everything with kindness -- once -- but never argue. You explain yourself once, say "I understand, Dad, and I will never let you suffer. But this is what I need to do to ensure I can take care of my own home as well" once, and then you politely end that call or conversation. He'll be frustrated as all hell. But, while you will quietly endure a few small barbs, you will not argue about this ever again.

This is a sketch, and it is overly prescriptive and a bit harsh.

But here's the deal: it is not for nothing that you've endured so much for this man. You either continue to love him, or have deep moral misgivings about abandonment, or otherwise believe it is the right or easier thing to do. I fear that if you went NC you'd suffer emotionally from that too, unless you really really tried true boundaries first.

Boundaries
The 50% Rule
My Stuff Your Stuff

Thanks SS I know you're right....

Every boundary I put up he tries to knock down. It just wears me out....

[Starboard Song]

I know it wears you out: you are human. And there does come a time when a person can be so destructive of our attempts at boundaries that NC is the only option. I am 5 years NC from my in-laws, so I swear there is no judgement.

But please get a person in your real life, a FOC person, to talk with you about this. Break the problems down into a list, and categorize them into solvable and not quite solvable.

Like, if you began with "I will never again violate local laws to visit," your dad will be absolutely powerless to make you do so. You can also decide with this trusted friend other new rules: visits on a schedule, calls on a schedule, you decline to do silly chores, and so on.

Then consider with your friend this question: how is it that your father knocks down your boundaries? Like, what is it he does that forces you to buy the cheap milk, or waste your time arguing over utility rates? And ask your friend to work with you on a scheme to withstand these efforts to knock down your boundaries. I know that words are powerful weapons in our hearts, but they simply cannot make us go to a grocery store, or visit on a Tuesday.

Here's the hard rub. Your boundaries are not for your dad to follow: they are for you to live up to. If you choose to argue with a company over a $5 discount instead of saying No to your father, that is a fine choice. But it is one you own. A close friend, one you can trust, can help you establish and live up to a plan where you absolutely don't do these things anymore. And your friend will hold you accountable to yourself, asking you daily or weekly, "did you do it?" And a friend can provide a mix of disciplinarian with compassion for how hard it is.

You'll still need this community, because your dad will be unhappy. He will make his displeasure known, and that will hurt. I am afraid that is the hardest part, and I feel for you.

Be good. Be strong.

[blues_cruise]

It sounds like really hard work, I'm sorry your father treats you like this. He seems to play on your sense of obligation and guilt.

Frankly your dad is just going to have put up with whatever level of contact you're comfortable giving him. Letting his food supplies run low is very childish and manipulative. If he doesn't like Cravendale then he'll just have to go without.  His call. It's not that different to the kind of ultimatum you might give to a sulking young child who doesn't want to eat their vegetables. No way should you be expected to drive 2 hours after work just to deliver some milk! He's complaining about a few extra pennies while expecting you to spend money on fuel for a 2 hour drive to bring him a cheaper bottle. It's selfish, impractical and no doubt leaves you exhausted and resentful. If he really thinks he needs so much help then perhaps a carer or befriender could be organised to check in on him and bring him things like milk once a week.

You have a family of your own and realistically your priority should be them, plus your own self-care. I know with lockdown restrictions easing in the coming months in the UK the thought of having to see dysfunctional people again is extremely overwhelming. It's very daunting and I'm struggling a bit with the prospect myself (in-laws aren't too bad in general but there are dysfunctional, controlling traits there and I can't say I'm particularly excited about visits from MIL).

I'm no contact with my own father, largely because he couldn't accept boundaries and actively made life a misery in response, which encroached on my home and work life because boundaries triggered him into visiting in a rage. He's largely the ignoring type so without those triggers no contact is on the whole a less volatile way for me and my nervous system to live, even though he's only a 20 minute drive away. Eased restrictions removes my safety net and makes me feel more hypervigilant about him turning up or bumping into him (these are the kinds of problems no contact brings up, not to mention judgement from other people). I will probably reassess contact and consider extremely low contact when he eventually loses the mobility of being able to drive over on a whim and I'm in a position of being able to take the control over whether or not I have to see him back into my own hands,

My opinion is that no contact should be the absolute last resort when you're in a position of being completely unable to find any way of coping with or resolving the situation. I'm guessing that your father's restricted to staying at home rather than being able to drive over to you and harass you there, so perhaps that's a positive to focus on while working towards a head space of "out of sight, out of mind" whenever you feel you need a break from it all. You get to dictate how long you spend with him and when, not him. As the younger, more able person you really do hold the cards in that respect (which is probably why he kicks back so strongly - he knows he lacks any real control). You can also restrict when you choose to take or make phone calls and only allocate a certain amount of time to them. No contact ultimately allows you that too, but there is a lot of stigma that goes with it from society which in itself can be just as difficult to deal with. You can't control your father's actions but you can work towards firmer boundaries, both physical and emotional.

[Boat Babe]

Hey P123. It's beyond frustrating and draining and I feel for you.

It sounds like your dad can still yank your chain and, till you set adamantine boundaries, this will continue. We know that they never change so you must.  You might find journalling around the issue helps you to clarify your thoughts and feelings. Once you are clear in your mind what you will and won't do for your father, then you do and don't do those things. He will undoubtedly react and up the ante. You stick to your boundaries and work on self care to avoid getting guilted by your dad. That way, you can continue with contact if that is what you choose without wasting your time, energy and money on pointless journeys.

Best of luck!

[p123]

At the moment, any boundaries I set are ignored.....

He is constantly badgering me or playing the guilt trip to get me to do what he wants.....

[Boat Babe]

Boundaries are for you to set and implement. They are to protect you. They are not for controlling his behaviour.

So. A possible boundary would be to not accept any guilt tripping from him. You don't need to announce it either.  He rings you up to guilt trip you. You tell him this is hurtful behaviour and you can't talk to him while he is doing this. You'll speak tomorrow when he is calmer. Then you hang up, politely. Then you block his phone for the next 24 hours and don't read his texts or emails.  There's nothing he can actually do to you if you block.  Then call up the next day like nothing has happened and try to have a normal convo. If he starts again, you tell him you can't be doing with this and you'll leave it for 24 hours. Block.   Keep doing this.  If he continues, give yourself 48 of peace and quiet between calls.   Prepare what you'll say. Write it down. You know his usual cliches, so be prepared to state your boundaries calmly rather than get rattled (which he loves) . Practice saying them aloud so they feel familiar.

Good luck.

[Outsiderchild]

Maybe it could be helpful to really figure out what is being communicated between the two of you.  Your dad calls you up about something trivial, say milk for example.  The two of you are not really talking about milk, you are talking about power.   He wants you to spend two hours getting him the preferred brand as proof of power/love.  Or 30 minutes on the phone to save him £5. On the surface they all look so innocent, how could you object?  You feel petty and small if you object and don't do the "little chore."  Yet it's not really about the milk, it's his complete lack of caring and interest about you except as someone to serve him as illustrated by the "little chore."  Which hurts.  And it really hurts to have someone who is supposed to love you only see you as an object.  And once you start to "malfunction" as a tool to get what they want the wheels really come off.  Which undermines the valid objections you have to performing the dance so desperately want you to dance.

"I am no contact with my elderly father because he asked me to buy milk," sounds a little uncaring doesn't it?  It's kind of hard to stick to boundaries over something that in normal families would be trivial.   It takes away your confidence in your sense of what is really going on.  It always takes me awhile to figure out what is really happening in my FOO as all forms of gaslighting are regularly used. 

How about "I am no contact with my elderly father because he constantly disvalues me as a human being with responsibilities, discards my children, and is rude to my wife." That sounds different, doesn't it?   

Maybe if you write down the small petty behaviors and then identify what is really going on, not just the surface image that an outsider would see and judge, you could then find your way clear to what you want and need.   I use my stomach as guide.  When I get "that feeling" I know now to stop and look at what is really happening.  Once I can clearly see, it helps me decide what to do from a healthy perspective instead of reacting to my decades of programming.  Then if I do "get milk" then it is because I chose to "get milk," not because they forced or manipulated me.  So my anger is less. It's hard to build boundaries when you aren't clear on why and where you need them.  It's hard to find the work of maintaining them worth it if you think it's just about "milk."

It's not about the milk. 

[Dandelion]

I think Starboard's post has explained things so well too.

Perhaps another stab at boundaries?  Keeping things simple, light, and "I gotta go".  But also being clear about what you will and won't do, what you can and can't do.  Quite honestly I think it's best to offer to do as little as possible IMO.  Because the request is not really about you doing stuff but your father GETTING you to do stuff!  If he had 1000 servants he would still ask for you to do random stuff.  And your willingness to do stuff, or even offering, is probably more about appeasing or even genuinely trying to show love or care, than it is actually about truly necessary things.  You could try and step back and maybe do this in different ways that don't involve your health being compromised.  You are probably doing too much for him, stuff he can do or he could get organised to have done.  A full time job, family, wife with fibromyalgia I think you said elsewhere (I have ME/CFS so I know) and living in UK (like me also) at the moment is, all combined, alot going on. My mother, who I must say is more reasonable in her requests (but more abusive), just looked at me once when I said "no, you can manage that" (she wanted me to write a letter). I was amazed how it was accepted.  Her mouth just dropped open like a goldfish!

As you are exhausted maybe tell your father kindly that you are and need complete rest for one month, but you'll be back in contact in June. Use this time to rest, reflect on and recalibrate your contact and boundaries.? Sometimes we have to shake things up a bit to create some changes, and perhaps this latest stress and crisis might be doing that. It's hard though I know.  It's not just a case of practical boundaries, it's our emotional ones that we too have to work out and have to try to keep connected to, and in my experience that can be harder; perhaps that is something that also needs to be contemplated?

[Dandelion]

PS. p123  I forgot to say- re your question"When do you make the decision?"  I believe there is no answer to this as every situation and person is different.  Whether to be LC or VLC or NC is a very personal decision. 

[p123]

Maybe it could be helpful to really figure out what is being communicated between the two of you.  Your dad calls you up about something trivial, say milk for example.  The two of you are not really talking about milk, you are talking about power.   He wants you to spend two hours getting him the preferred brand as proof of power/love.  Or 30 minutes on the phone to save him £5. On the surface they all look so innocent, how could you object?  You feel petty and small if you object and don't do the "little chore."  Yet it's not really about the milk, it's his complete lack of caring and interest about you except as someone to serve him as illustrated by the "little chore."  Which hurts.  And it really hurts to have someone who is supposed to love you only see you as an object.  And once you start to "malfunction" as a tool to get what they want the wheels really come off.  Which undermines the valid objections you have to performing the dance so desperately want you to dance.

"I am no contact with my elderly father because he asked me to buy milk," sounds a little uncaring doesn't it?  It's kind of hard to stick to boundaries over something that in normal families would be trivial.   It takes away your confidence in your sense of what is really going on.  It always takes me awhile to figure out what is really happening in my FOO as all forms of gaslighting are regularly used. 

How about "I am no contact with my elderly father because he constantly disvalues me as a human being with responsibilities, discards my children, and is rude to my wife." That sounds different, doesn't it?   

Maybe if you write down the small petty behaviors and then identify what is really going on, not just the surface image that an outsider would see and judge, you could then find your way clear to what you want and need.   I use my stomach as guide.  When I get "that feeling" I know now to stop and look at what is really happening.  Once I can clearly see, it helps me decide what to do from a healthy perspective instead of reacting to my decades of programming.  Then if I do "get milk" then it is because I chose to "get milk," not because they forced or manipulated me.  So my anger is less. It's hard to build boundaries when you aren't clear on why and where you need them.  It's hard to find the work of maintaining them worth it if you think it's just about "milk."

It's not about the milk.

Yeh you're spot on...

I've always thought that. Its not that he needs anything. He seems to get a warm fuzzy glow knowing that he can get me to do things for him. Its not right.
I do grocery shopping for him - he deliberately gets a few things at a time, leaves things out, so he can add this to the list for next week so I've got to do it.

I've tried to get him to do home delivery. Vehemently refuses. Thats his trump card "I've got no food in the house".
He deliberately runs it low so he can say this. I buy DOUBLE what he asks for and he goes mad. Hes got a massive freezer and plays dull "Oh I didnt know the food would last in there".

What are you on?

[p123]

I think Starboard's post has explained things so well too.

Perhaps another stab at boundaries?  Keeping things simple, light, and "I gotta go".  But also being clear about what you will and won't do, what you can and can't do.  Quite honestly I think it's best to offer to do as little as possible IMO.  Because the request is not really about you doing stuff but your father GETTING you to do stuff!  If he had 1000 servants he would still ask for you to do random stuff.  And your willingness to do stuff, or even offering, is probably more about appeasing or even genuinely trying to show love or care, than it is actually about truly necessary things.  You could try and step back and maybe do this in different ways that don't involve your health being compromised.  You are probably doing too much for him, stuff he can do or he could get organised to have done.  A full time job, family, wife with fibromyalgia I think you said elsewhere (I have ME/CFS so I know) and living in UK (like me also) at the moment is, all combined, alot going on. My mother, who I must say is more reasonable in her requests (but more abusive), just looked at me once when I said "no, you can manage that" (she wanted me to write a letter). I was amazed how it was accepted.  Her mouth just dropped open like a goldfish!

As you are exhausted maybe tell your father kindly that you are and need complete rest for one month, but you'll be back in contact in June. Use this time to rest, reflect on and recalibrate your contact and boundaries.? Sometimes we have to shake things up a bit to create some changes, and perhaps this latest stress and crisis might be doing that. It's hard though I know.  It's not just a case of practical boundaries, it's our emotional ones that we too have to work out and have to try to keep connected to, and in my experience that can be harder; perhaps that is something that also needs to be contemplated?

Yeh my life is hectic to say the least. Dad does not give a monkeys....

Yesterday I promised I'd visit. I was working all day (at home though), wife was working PM. So heres how my day went, daughter home from school 315pm, cook her food, cover in work till 5pm, wait for wife to come home, get lift to car hire place because she had an accident in car a few days ago, get older son to look after daughter, get hire car, fill up with fuel, pop in chemist to get prescription for older son (with aspergers). Get home phone Dad and ask him what he wants me to get in supermarket for him.

First words "You're late, where've you been, I expected you to call sooner". 

[moglow]

At the moment, any boundaries I set are ignored.....

Please reread Starboard's posts above. Those "boundaries" dad is knocking over? He's not. He's continuing on as he always has - and honestly, so are you. You're setting hurdles and being surprised he's ignoring them. Why? No really - why are you surprised?

Boundaries aren't and never will be for the other person to observe. They're YOURS. You don't want to be talked down to? Change the conversation, end it if necessary. He makes demands? Okay. And? They are HIS, not yours. Just because he says it doesnt mean it's yours to provide. He's in a pique because he thought you'd call? Okay. Maybe next time he'll tell you instead of assuming you'll call at the "right time."

Most of us aren't intentionally doing anything against the other person - we're being who we are. We change when and if it behooves us. It's not personal, is what I'm saying. Your dad us doing what has doing because that's who he is. You can stop playing along any time.

Find your boundaries, true boundaries. Figure out where you stop and he begins. I guarantee you dont have these problems with others. Why? Because you and they have and protect those boundaries between you. ALL relationships have and need boundaries - you just need to step up and enforce them.

[p123]

Thanks moglow.

Thing is I've tried to set boundaries. Like "Im not coming at the weekend because wife is working", and "Im not bringing the youngest because shes bored"
Every time I speak to him, hes trying something else on to get his way and change this. I haven't given in yet im pleased to say. So yeh maybe the problem is with me - I do let it get to me.

Dad has definitely upped his game. Hes worked out that I've stopped doing everything he wants. He's trying every single trick in the book to get things to work out his way.
We have the same conversations time and time again. "No I'm not visiting the weekend I've got kids to look after".

So on the positive side, I've not given in - I know if I give in once he'll be off and running. But its like a constant battle with him. Give him his due - he certainly is relentless.

How do you stop that? Even when boundaries in place.... Stop them trying it on?

An example of what hes said and I've ignored the last few weeks:-

"You're brother calls me every day" - Not a chance, twice a week stresses the hell out of me
"You're brothers wife is an angel, looks after me" - And you're wife is awful because she doesnt speak to me
"I don't know how I'm going to collect my glasses, surely you've got spare time in the day" - Drive 50 miles round trip because you don't fancy a 200 yard journey on your mobility scooter - no thanks
"Surely you can't be busy every weekend?" - No but you're not monopolising all my free time
"You're wife needs to understand that you need to see me" - Again shes awful because she chooses, quiet rightly, to have nothing to do with me.

Not given in but, how do you stop this? In the past, we've had huge arguments and he backs off for a week and thats it.

[moglow]

You can't stop him "trying it on." Like everyone else, he's going to do whatever he does. You can choose to stop those conversations, change the subject, refuse to argue, etc. Listen as long as you're willing, and "well nice talking to you dad. Have a good day, goodbye!" Find a day/time you're available and tell him when it is - and make it clear you'll be bringing his grandchildren with you. Not good enough? Sorry, that's what you have. Take it or leave it.

Set a schedule that works for you and your family and dont waver from it. You're making yourself available on x day starting at y time for a number of hours. Period. And make an occasional call outside of that. Not every day, certainly not multiple times a day! Dont argue about it, and don't discuss outside of whether this time/day is agreeable for him. Set it then do as you promised, and dont entertain "more" unless you choose on special occasions.

He's bored and lonely from the sounds of it, and no wonder. Sounds like he wants attention, any attention. You have to consider your family and what you're giving them too. I bet they see plenty of this, gnashing of the teeth, grousing about grandpa. How is that affecting home for all of you? I'm guessing you need to change the conversations at home too.

[lightworld]

Hi p123,  this is so hard I know.  The short answer to your question IMO is you can't stop him. He has a personality disorder and he won't change. As others have said, only you can  change your response to him. My golden rule when I was still in touch with F, whose behaviour sounds very similar to your father's, was - Don't Engage. Yes he would use passive aggressive statements like your father does " B comes to visit me on HIS ONLY DAY OFF" my response was "Lovely". The statement was undoubtedly aimed at me but I  chose not to take it personally and moved swiftly on to other subjects. But it's not easy we are only human and ignoring obvious abuse wears us out emotionally.

I found it helped to see F's ' stuff' ie his demands, appalling behaviour, passive aggression etc. as his not mine, he is a separate person to me I am not responsible for him and his stuff even though he thinks I am. My only responsibility is to myself and my fami!y. If I had come from a non PD family no doubt I would take great pleasure in helping my parents and they would be grateful it would be a normal relationship, but that's not what we have here. We're dealing with disordered people who have no empathy and see us as objects. That's our reality and no matter how much we'd like it to be different, they won't change so we must if we are to survive the relationship with a shred of sanity.

I did have to let go of the rope completely last year when I finally realised any contact with F harmed me even with my efforts at  non engagement and MC. So, going back to your original question, I'm sure, that like me, you will know if and when you need to make that decision.  Good luck and stay strong for yourself and your family.

[DaisyGirl77]

I made the decision to go permanently NC with uNM after YEARS of battering my head against her brick wall, begging her to change so we could repair our relationship & build trust.  After YEARS of her telling me that "I'm too old to change; you'll have to change for me" & "I'll change when you ___", & a million other excuses & justifications, my final straw was...really stupid, if you look at it like that.  Something so small & insignificant, but it was the last straw that collapsed the house of cards we had.  That was the moment when I said, "I cannot go through this again.  I am D.O.N.E. done."

P123, it sounds like you're just not there yet.  You're still playing his game.  You're still, in some part of your brain, going, "Well, if I just said this, then he'll stop.  He'll wake up.  We'll be able to have a father/son relationship & he'll finally stop hurting me."  You need to have a talk with your Inner Child P123 & tell him that Daddy cannot see.  He is willfully blind to all but his own priorities.  He does not care that he keeps hurting you.  He is his entire galaxy, & you are just a distant star.  Inner Child P123 needs to understand that he did all he could to please his dad & make him happy & be a good kid--what a good kid he was!--& needs to know that Adult P123 has Little P123's back.  Adult P123 has to step in & protect Little P123 now so Little can go be a kid & play outside & have fun without worrying about what Dad will say or do.  Why?  Because Adult P123 has it.  He can run interference with Dad.

YOU have the power, P123.  You are reacting as Inner Child P123, who is hurt & just wants Dad to...love him, don't reject him, _fill in the blank_, but you are forgetting that as the adult, YOU have the power to say no.  The phone is not glued to your hand.  If he starts up:  "I've got to go, Dad.  Bye."  AND HANG UP.  Even if he's still talking.  HANG UP.

No more conversations.  No more "Yes, but I really must go.  No, seriously, Dad, I've got to go."  No more prolonging your torture.  HANG UP.

Your boundaries are not just verbal.  You need to follow through.  If you don't, you are telling your father that your boundaries don't matter even to you, & he will never learn.  WHO CARES if he complains?  He's gonna complain anyway, so let him complain to the walls in his empty house about how awful of a son you are because you never come anymore, & you never visit, & you never do his grocery shopping, & you never...  SO.  WHAT.

BREAK the damned button that says Dad Must Be Appeased At All Costs & replace it with a button that says, "What will I do with my family/wife/one on one time with my children to show them I love them?"  That's a much more fun button.

Find your inner steel & ram it through your spine.  Show Little P123 he can start to heal now.