Will this NC strategy work or will it blow up in my face?

[WJC]

I am new here and recently posted my intro. I explained a bit about the catalyst that brought me (the SG) to the place of finally being willing to go LC or NC with my uBPD/uNPD father. I have considered it for years, but life did get easier after my mother passed away. Five years after her death my dad moved out of state to take care of his sister. Of course he had the expectation that I would hop on a plane and fly to his state whenever he had anxiety or surgery or depression or an imagined cancer scare... At any rate, the geographic distance helped tremendously and I did not see the need for LC or NC.

My dad called me in October to let me know that he was going to trade in his big expensive camper van for a fancy car for my GC sister and her husband. He was going to send a check to me for "some" of the money. I knew right away that we were not going to be equally compensated. Earlier in the year he gave his grand piano to my sister for her son. This was upsetting to me because I used to play violin on my mother's antique violin and I had been thinking about starting to play again. He mentioned a few years ago that he might sell it and I told him that I would buy it from him if he ever wanted to sell it. I have not seen that violin and I suspect it is long gone. Also, my sister and her husband have plenty of money and actually received a large inheritance from the husband's multi-millionaire grandfather. My sister could buy a whole store of pianos!

An important point in the saga is that last year he bought a car for us from the family of his sister after she passed away. It was a used model and he paid $15,000 for it. He mostly did it because he wanted his sister's children to have the money. One is a drug addict and the other has major health problems. Still, it was a big help to us and we were grateful. However, he gave my sister $15,000 cash to make up for buying the car for us. It would have been easier for us to get the cash because we had to fly back and get the car (and visit with him) and then drive it home. At any rate, we needed the car so it was a help.

So here we are now, and he is getting my sister a $75,000 car to replace her Audi (which he said she ruined because she drives too fast). We were supposed to get a check by Thanksgiving but of course nothing came of it. He was in town last weekend and he mentioned the check, and then he started talking about the car and how much it was and how my sister needs it because she is having financial trouble. (He has been super-obsessed lately about this imagined financial trouble.) Of course he "forgot" that he had given them $15,000 last year. He also changed his mind about giving us a check because my husband was really upset about the expensive car so of course we had to be punished. It isn't even about the money, but the devaluing. My sister (being uBPD and uNPD just like my father) only cares about herself and she has not ever been there for my dad in any capacity. In fact, she wanted to go to court and force him into assisted living. (Evidently she told him about this but of course it does not shatter his perfect princess fantasy.) His excuse for not sending a check was that he might buy another house so he needed the money in his savings account. He also said that we each got a car so the accounts were balanced and I should stop complaining because I was going to get my half of the inheritance.

This is what made me decide to remove myself from all contact, either for a season or permanently. I am sure he thinks it is about the money but it is just the overall pattern of glorifying my sister while acting annoyed that I even exist (unless he wants something). I am the only one who has been there for anyone. (I lost a lot of time getting sucked into taking care of my mom with Parkinson's Disease, back when I did not know any better.) And I also realized during dinner that this elusive check was just,going to be another carrot. He has done some atrocious things throughout the years and this is just one more thing. Yes, it is his money, but my sister is filthy rich and does not need it. Sometimes I wonder if he is trying to buy her affection and approval.

I feel like my problem is that I still try to act honorably and I just do not have a devious mind. I am a pretty down to earth person and I do not want revenge but I want to be able to out-maneuver him. My plan was to write him a letter and tell him I never wanted to hear from him again. (I have absolute peace about writing him a letter and I feel that it is something I should do.) Or, I was going to write a letter and tell him that I was taking some time away from the relationship.

I started thinking tonight that maybe instead I should tell him that I will not have any contact with him until he sends the check he keeps promising. We have major house repairs and our other car has 280K miles on it. We are fed and housed but there are a lot of things we could spend the money on.

The pro I see is that this gives him some semblance of control. Whether or not we have contact is up to him. Of course knowing him he will just write me off but it was his choice.

The multiple cons:

1) It keeps me exposed to more problems, which are sure to intensify because his health is declining and he is currently considering assisted living. There is something refreshing about the idea of being done with this nonsense forever. If my sister is so wonderful, she can help him!

2) He could send a token amount and then I will be expected to help him through his next crisis or move or whatever.

3) In his mind this will make it all about the money. He is very greedy and stingy and he never used his money for anything significant or meaningful (unless it was for himself). He absolutely uses money to manipulate and control. Why wouldn't others?

4) With that said, is this being manipulative in return? I want to outsmart him but I do not want to become him. It just annoys me to have to hear for years about how "fair" he is and he wants everything to be equal and everything will always be split evenly and then he goes and pulls a stunt like this. I have started to wonder if my sister is getting to him and whispering sweet nothings in his ear (not trying to absolve my dad of any responsibility here). She has told him that he should leave the inheritance to the grandkids. With that said, he has been fair about the money in the past and so I think he did have every intention of giving us some money (even though most likely it would have been nowhere near $75,000). I wonder if he started thinking about moving and so he wanted to hold off on the check in order to extract something from me in return.

My gut is just telling me this will backfire and I am only keeping myself in his crazy world. It is better to take definitive action now and be rid of this dreadful man once and for all.He is very punitive and withholding so I just see all kinds of room for things to go sideways.

I am just trying to find a way to be strategic in this whole saga. I do not want to shoot myself in the foot and cause more problems by going NC. I am not doing it in a moment of pique because I have considered it for quite a while, as I explained. But I want to have a plan and act on that plan instead of taking action based on anger and emotion. Any suggestions on how to be more strategic are welcome!

[moglow]

WJC, I understand your hurt and disappointment, but my feeling is you may want to dial this all the way back. He's going to do what he's going to do - it is his money, after all.

Putting it the way it's presented here, it absolutely sounds like any relationship with him is all about the money. No it's not fair and it would grind me too, but neither is throwing down "either share equally and send me the check or we're done."

I'd be more inclined to tell him, do what you're going to do, I don't want to hear about it. I deeply dislike empty promises and trying to manipulate others through "gifts" that inevitably have strings attached. Honestly to me what you're proposing sounds painfully similar and in the end I wouldn't like how that made me feel. That's not no contact - that feels like more manipulation, even if I totally understand your reasons.

[Andeza]

Yeah, Moglow's got it. His money his choice, no matter how bad his choices are, so long as he remains a "competent" adult. We went NC with my DH's parents with about $7k on the table had we just gone along to get along for a couple of years. Wasn't worth it.

In your shoes I'd start tucking away X amount of money each month for a new car and any necessary house repairs, and just write off your dad's money entirely. We scapegoats don't generally get anything anyway. There have been people on this board, mentioned or posting, that have been written out of wills for perceived offenses after dedicating time and resources to PD parents. They're too fickle to count on for anything.

Strategic action for me in your shoes would be thus after going NC:

Concerning others:
1. Block all avenues of contact, phone, social media, etc.
2. Send or don't send letter. I did email.

Concerning yourself:
1. Accept that I'm not going to see a dime.
2. Work my long term and short term financial goals accordingly by setting budget goals and religiously putting away the cash for needs both now and future. (I am doing that right now by the way.)
3. Heal from the decades of being considered "less than" and realize that I make my own worth rather than allowing something else to attach a dollar value to my person.

[WJC]

Thank you for your honesty. I was concerned this tactic was just becoming like him.

What got me going down the road of that idea was the "if only" stuff that was hitting me. My dad creates these scenarios where the implication is that I blew it by doing X wrong. So of course I feel that if only we had not responded to his craziness then we would not be in this situation of him going back on his word. It was so crazy because he talked as if he had no choice but to buy her a Mercedes and my husband got sucked into that vortex of trying to respond rationally to crazy.

You are right... it is his money. There has just been a lifetime of financial unfairness (I paid for college while my sister did not) while the expectations were that I would do all the work. My father was still trying to get me to pay back what I supposedly owed him for college, even into my 40s. Anything related to my sister and money is a sore spot for me because of this lifetime history. She owed me money once and he told me I had to let it go, and then he went out and bought her a TV the next day. That has been my family history. He does not just give to her... he takes from me to give to her.

The other frustrating thing is that my husband is in danger of losing his job but all my dad can see is my sister and her impending financial disaster. For the past two years all I have heard about is my sister and her financial trouble. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that she is very secure.

So my dad treats us like we are wealthy and my sister is about to end up on the street, and then he goes and buys her a Mercedes because she is in financial trouble... the distortions just make you crazy.

He loves to call and say things that deliberately elevate my sister. His obsession with her is astounding. You raised an interesting point about him just doing what he wants to do. Why not just buy the car for her? Instead, he has to rub my face in it.

I almost went NC because of something that happened back in February (nothing to do with money). Now I wish I had!

Anyway, thanks again for being honest with me about my slide into dysfunction. You have been very helpful!

[WJC]

My first response was to moglow, and then your response came in as I was typing. Thank you for taking the time to reply and sharing your story. You are right... my worth is not based on a dollar amount he assigns to me.

I found a great website that explained the dynamics of GC/SC and how the GC is trained to abuse the SC. My sister is exactly like my dad but just more obvious in her contempt of me. Anyway, this website talks about money and how the NPD will always cheat the SG out of an inheritance. I have been trying to make my peace with this preemptively.

My dad told me 4 times that my sister's husband paid for Thanksgiving dinner. (They visited over Thanksgiving to get the car.) I told my husband he married the wrong daughter. He gets the silent treatment and no birthday acknowledgment and all the other garbage. My sister's husband is the most fabulous person on the planet. You know how it goes...

I do feel a sense of freedom over being rid of this once and for all. I have essentially gone NC with my sister (another strike against me in my dad's eyes). And now to be rid of the abuse forever... what a feeling! I am trying to focus on that and be grateful that I will no longer be subject to his tyranny and bullying!

[JustKat]

Hi WJC,

I really sympathize with what you're going through. I had to watch my GC brother being showered with money and gifts while I was homeless and starving on the streets. But that's what they do. Narcs use money as a weapon and will do it until they die (I'm one of the disinherited ones Andeza speaks of).

Maybe my parents did me a favor by leaving me to starve as a teenage runaway because I realized by the time I was eighteen that I was on my own, financially speaking. I tried to put away as much money as I could and never asked them for a dime, but still, they portrayed me as "selfish and greedy" and turned my siblings against me by claiming I was jealous of them for being given money and cars. I did eventually go NC with my enabling father after being disinherited, but it wasn't about the money. It was about the unbearable pain and shame that he put me through when notifying me of the disinheritance. The last words I ever said to my father were, "I don't want your money, I want your love." When he went silent and could tell me he loved me I walked away. My parents then doubled down on the smear campaign. So just the perception of me going NC over money came back to bite me, big time. I have no family left, all NC with me because of my "greed."

As Moglow already said, your father's money is his to spend as he wishes no matter how unjust it may feel. And it will be unjust because that's what they do. They are masters at weaponizing money to control their children and create further division.

Short story, going NC over money will most definitely blow up in your face. If your gut tells you this will backfire, go with your gut. I really do understand how you feel, having been on that emotional roller coaster myself, but this is a game you can't win.

[moglow]

Another thought on this - understand that your dad's lack of filters likely work both/all ways. If he's telling you her personal/finance business you can just about bet he's doing the same with yours. You shut that train down by simply not telling him, and by showing no interest and changing the subject when he tries to tell you about hers (or anyone else's). Shut it down so it doesn't invade your peace!

[JustKat]

Another thought on this - understand that your dad's lack of filters likely work both/all ways. If he's telling you her personal/finance business you can just about bet he's doing the same with yours. You shut that train down by simply not telling him, and by showing no interest and changing the subject when he tries to tell you about hers (or anyone else's). Shut it down so it doesn't invade your peace!

I moved a lot when I was younger and whenever I bought a new house my Nmother never asked anything about the property, only how much I had paid for it. The same went for cars. Never, "What kind of car did you buy," but, "So how much did you pay for it."

One day at a family gathering my SIL blurted out that she thought I had overpaid for my house and knew the exact amount. After that, whenever my mother would ask me what I paid for something I started giving her ambiguous answers, like "I paid fair market value." I swear I could see steam shooting out of her ears. It really angered her because she wanted to use that information against me.

So yes, I would bet that anything you've said to your father about your personal finances has been passed along to your sister. One lesson learned with my own PD parents was to never share personal information of any kind, be it financial, health-related, employment-related. It's none of their business anyway, so you're not obligated to share any of that with them.

[SunnyMeadow]

One lesson learned with my own PD parents was to never share personal information of any kind, be it financial, health-related, employment-related. It's none of their business anyway, so you're not obligated to share any of that with them.

I wish someone had given me this advice about 20 years ago. Adding to the above, under no circumstances share anything even more personal than what's listed. I made the mistake of over sharing with my mother and now she holds it over my head, almost like blackmail.

[Hilltop]

My parents have bought my sister cars, paid for vacations and other items, stating they need financial help.  They don't.  I saw it as preference for my sister and it hurt.  I engaged in this for years telling them they didn't need to buy this or that, until one day I finally realised I could withdraw from the fight.  I could disengage.  I changed my perspective and outlook.  My parents money is their money to spend how they like.  It is not mine and I don't get a say in how they spend it.  If they want to spend it on buying my sister a car, that is their choice.  So I simply disengaged when it came to money.  When they offered money or a cheque to make things fair, I refused it saying I didn't need it.  I took money out of the equation. Your husband getting up upset about him buying an expensive car is simply not his place.  He doesn't get a say in how others  spend their money, just as no one should have a say in how you spend yours.  Your father keeps bringing up the check because he is pushing your buttons.  I would disengage and just say "You can decide what you want to do, that's your decision".

It appears to be the same pattern my parents had, where there is a pattern of preference, favouritism and they highlight this to get a reaction.  They tell you what they are spending and then watch your reaction, watch what you do, hold checks over your head to see how far you will fight for it.  I can only suggest to disengage.  Even if you need the money, the money is control on their part.

Going NC is a personal decision,  I personally wouldn't send an email.  Perhaps you can take some time out, distance helps with that.  Distance has helped me disengage from the usual games that are played.  The whole money thing is simply another game that your father plays.  You can stop playing and this is what I would do.  Next time he brings the subject up I would simply reply 'I hope she likes the car'. Then change the subject.  Don't get drawn in.

I also found it helps to not give any personal information.  You are thinking that you should ask him for the cheque for your renovations etc.  This information will be passed along to your sister that you are struggling and demanding cash from him.  As narcs, they won't be worried for you, but happy you are struggling and then use this information against you later.  Money is often used by narcs to play their game, it is unfair and it is unjust and there isn't much you can do but walk away from that game.

Of course the conversations about how the wealthy sibling is struggling is another source of irritation which is why I disengaged from those conversations.  He seems so caught up in having all these conversations about money, because this is the topic where he is getting his supply.  That's why I would turn off anything to do with money and him.  His gifts come with strings and false hope of help and then he dangles it there, as he is doing with the cheque, bringing it up again.  Is he expecting you to beg for it, ask for it?  I wouldn't.

[bee well]

You've received some very good responses here, IMHO. Dangling the money over your head, feigning financial difficulties (I find this particular type of gaslighting to be very insulting), all of it sounds so familiar. But beyond it, the favoritism is so so common. If it wasn't the money it would be something else they would be dangling over your head.

Obviously, your decision is personal, only you can decide if the "cost" is worth it. 

Your peace of mind is priceless though, and I can tell you from experience that if and when you decide to go NC, it will be great company. Whatever you decide, there are always ways to protect your peace of mind, and I agree with posters that say sharing of info unless you deem it absolutely necessary is something you'd want to avoid going forward. 

I'd also beware of of making an announcement. It may seem like the "right" thing to do, but it would most likely just set them off.  It's good to see that you are wary if the "if only" thinking. That's a very unproductive rabbit hole to go into.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. This a forum is very good place to be in for support that's not always easy to find in the general population.

[Cat of the Canals]

I do feel a sense of freedom over being rid of this once and for all. I have essentially gone NC with my sister (another strike against me in my dad's eyes). And now to be rid of the abuse forever... what a feeling! I am trying to focus on that and be grateful that I will no longer be subject to his tyranny and bullying!

This!!!! I gave up expecting anything from my PDmom years ago, and now I'm to the point that I don't even want them. Her gifts are always tools for manipulation. Even before I was Out of the FOG, my husband used to comment on how distrustful I was of gifts from my mother. But I knew even then that there were always strings attached.

I asked her for money once and promptly paid it back. I did NOT want that "gift" hanging over my head. My brother, on the other hand, has allowed her to buy him a house, and you better believe he pays for that decision every day. No matter what boundaries she crosses, he and my SIL have a kneejerk response of, "But she does so much for us..."  As if her financial generosity excuses the abusive behavior.  

[WJC]

Hi Hilltop,

Thank you for your reply. It sounds like you have been in a very similar situation and you completely understand.

I have actually done a good job of not reacting when my dad calls to discuss my sister's "financial problems." When he goes to visit her, I avoid his calls. Maybe that is why things have gotten so much worse over the past couple of years. Perhaps he is escalating in the hopes of getting a better reaction?

At any rate, I have no intention of asking him for a check. I know nothing will come of it, other than his delight. In the past he has treated us equally so I so not know what happened the last couple of years. I suppose there is the possibility that he lied to me about how much he gave my sister. I can see the games and manipulation and the attempts to use money to get my compliance. I just feel that there is a piece of the puzzle that I am missing. My dad is very stingy and he only uses his money to benefit himself. So why sell a van for $68,000 and give the money to my sister? Is he buying her affection and approval? Or is it just about trying to control me? Or both??? Maybe as he ages and deals with more health issues he is becoming more unhinged. I do not know.

Anyway, I really had a peace last week after this happened and I am finally accepting there is no relationship here and I can walk away with my head held high. In the past I knew not to confront because it would only blow up in my face. And there was always that little part of me that would hope for him to apologize, which made any confrontation a foolish decision.  Now that illusion is completely gone. I have read some posts here about whether to write a letter, and I can see the argument against it. I will continue to think about it. I just feel that for my own sake it needs to be done.

Regarding my husband, you are right that it is not his money and not his place to get upset. We have since talked about it and for him it was that whole undercurrent of spite that he was reacting to. Also he fell into the trap of trying to talk rationally to a crazy person. My dad had five different stories in the space of 30 seconds and the whole situation was overwhelming and confusing, even without the sting of the money issue.

In hindsight I suspect my dad did that by design. He orchestrated things so that he is just the lovable old teddy bear who was just trying to help and he can't help it if his daughter and son in law are crazy.

I was working in the garage all day yesterday and I did not have a chance to respond to the other replies. I was planning to respond last night but I was so tired I fell asleep early. The reason I bring this up is because all day yesterday I was recalling previous events and looking at them from a different angle. A lot of times I attributed my dad's behavior to self-centeredness or selfishness. But some of the comments and stories on here got me thinking and I can see how a lot of what happened was just downright cruelty on his part. This car situation is really forcing me ro face the whole truth. I can look back now and see deliberate acts of sabotage. My father just comes aross as this quiet gentle friendly softie and it is so hard to see and accept the dark undercurrents.

Anyway, thank you so much to everybody. I should have posted years ago. This has all been so in incredibly helpful!

[WJC]

Just to clarify a point in my response to Hilltop...

My dad has given us small amounts throughout the years (after selling a house, for example). We usually got $2,000 to $5,000. It is nothing to sneeze at, but we are not talking large sums of money.

My mom's lifetime dream was to go to Antarctica. After she retired from teaching, I found a 21 day cruise for her for about $3500. (A cruise like that today runs at least $12,000). With airfare her cost would have been about $5,000. She never made it because they "did not have the money." Both of my parents had good middle class incomes and excellent retirements. They could have made it work. But she never made it. I have always regretted bot pushing her more but I am sure my dad would have sabotaged that. I was supposed to take her to Tahiti once (there was a package deal that was so cheap it might as well have been free) but my dad ruined that and it never happened. If only I had been aware of these patterns of destruction and sabotage when I was younger!

Anyway, so now my dad is giving away $68,000 like it is nothing. This is not like him.

I guess trying to figure out the crazy will only make me crazy!

[Jolie40]

There has just been a lifetime of financial unfairness (I paid for college while my sister did not)

I've also hated the lies about money given
GC would tell me that PD parent never helped them out

yet I would visit PD parent & see a tuition check written out directly to GC's kids private school!
GC went to a private college, also with PD parent help

even PD parent would say "I paid for grandchild's art, dance, swim lessons" and then say "oops I wasn't supposed to say!"

GC would lie over and over saying "we pay for everything ourselves"
for some reason GC didn't want me, the SG to know all the $ they received

[Hilltop]

@Jollie40 that plays into the whole GC scenario though doesn't it.  They can say how wonderfully the GC's children are doing, the activities they are engaging in, the private school they are attending.  Whereas the scapegoat isn't suppose to achieve anything, they are suppose to flounder, to fail, to not do as well and I suppose that's where the difference in money comes into it.

Of course it also pits the two siblings against each other, worked quite well with my sister who didn't want to give up the free cash.  Also if you dare say anything they can use that as a smear campaign.  I mean all they need to say is that their child is upset they don't get any money and anyone else would think the child is being awful, they don't know the full story but that's how these things work.

Add into that the endless opportunity to insult by highlighting the unfairness of the situation, its just not worth it. 

[daughter]

Wow, you described my Dysfunctional enmeshed FOO family too. I'm that SG former "dutiful daughter", the obedient  overachiever object of derision.  I've been NC since my mid-50s, took me that long to reckon with what I knew and understood even as a young child, both the blatant favoritism towards my GC "princess" nsis, our nmom's hyper-enmeshed "mini-me", and the overt disdain and disfavor showered on me.  And there wasn't denial masking the obvious; I was bluntly told, over and over, "it is what it is", "you're mom doesn't like you; live with it", and "we can say and do whatever we want , and we won't change".  Lots of ingrained normalized bad behavior, all presented as immovable parental prerogative, with me expected to be obedient, tolerant, and subservient to all three of them at all times, or hell to pay.

It's very hard to quit that SG role, because it's so firmly fastened to our self-identity too.  But "radical acceptance", with help of years of therapy, and DH's eventual request to cut these oppressive (and constant contact) ties, finally led the way. We abruptly but quietly "went NC", finally acting upon what was plainly exposed as our dubious role there, to "make them feel better", meaning their ego-fragilities, their emotional problems, their insecurities projected upon us, an UNFIXABLE set of dysfunctional interrelationships. We chose the kindest option, disengagement, so that our absence would curtail their ability to cause further harm.

You can't fix your dad, nor your nsis. But you're also under no further obligation to "make do" with their bad behavior and malignant tendencies to minimize their negative affects upon you. You have choice here, and it seems disengagement is warranted.  Blatant favoritism should be cause for your withdrawal from active engagement. Your father has made choices, and needs to "sit" with their outcomes. You have ZERO obligation to excuse him, nor to feel compelled to remain "responsible adult" in response.

My parents are wealthy, and always doled out the favors in a "10 for GC, 1 for SG" fashion. Many stories posted here. My NC bought me my freedom from their daily pettiness, and from their "hand past the grave" blatant favoritism towards GC nsis in estate inheritance plans.  What a relief to have obtained independence without that FOG.

[WJC]

@JustKathy,

Thanks so much for your response. I am so sorry for the pain you endured. As crappy as my dad has been to me, I know that others have been dealt much greater blows. I cannot imagine having to stand there while your own father tells you that you are disinherited. I may face that some day in my future but my heart aches for you. But look at how you have survived and how young you were when you figured out the situation! I always knew something was off in my family but it took me years (into my 30s) to understand. And the whole SC/SC thing wasn't even on my radar screen until much later. Can you believe that despite all the counseling I sought, not one single person ever mentioned GC/SC?

Anyway, I see your point over going NC about money and being portrayed as being greedy and selfish. I know my dad will spin it that way, even if it is not so much about the money in particular but just the lifetime abuse. I considered going NC after my mom died, but I felt it was easier to manage things because I no longer felt any connection or obligation (my mother had Parkinsons). Then just as he was driving me crazy again, and really going all in on the manipulative abusive garbage, he relocated out of state. Thankfully I have had geographic boundaries which have helped. I never really thought it would be necessary to go NC. Rather, I would just limit my visits with him and be there for legitimate medical emergencies but otherwise let him deal with his stuff.

It is funny because a couple of days before this dinner event where I found out about the car, I was telling my husband that my dad became harder to deal with the last couple years of my mom's life. And I told him that I wondered if the same thing was happening now with my dad. He is 84 and has had a lot of health problems this year. He keeps talking about assisted living and he even makes a deposit to hold a room, but he never actually moves in. Then he starts talking about buying a house in a different state or moving back to my state (NO!!!) and he just cannot settle down. I really kind of feel sorry for him. I feel sadness that someone who has money and can still drive and has so many blessings at his age just wants to look for happiness in a new house or a new van. He bought the van roughly two years ago and I knew he would never use it. We are talking a 21 footer van! He goes out and buys this monster thing at the age of 81, thinking he will go road-tripping around the country. Sure enough, all that happened was he paid for monthly storage for that stupid thing. And now here we are.

So it might be time to go extreme LC with no visits ever, just to avoid all the drama around moving/not moving/packing/assisted living etc. I am sure he will still accuse me of doing it because of money. I have really come to realize these past few days how everything with my dad is viewed through a lens of money. If I give him time but not money, it does not count.

Anyway, thanks so much for taking the time for responding and sharing your story. I had meant to reply last night but this whole thing has just wiped me out! My cat wanted to snuggle in bed with me and I was asleep in the blink of an eye, and did not wake up until morning!

[WJC]

@bee well,

Your comment about gaslighting around financial difficulties triggered a thought! When my dad started the conversation about the car, he led off with that garbage story about my sister and her financial difficulties. And then there were all these twists and turns about how he went to BMW and nobody would deal... Looking back on it, I almost wonder if he got the crazymaking train going so that we would fall into the trap of trying to respond to crazy, and then he would have an excuse to withdraw his offer of a check. I suspect he was hoping he would not have to pay up. Nothing would surprise me at this point! Of course he will call me in a month and want me to help him pack as if nothing ever happened.

The favoritism is so over the top. Many years ago we were at a family gathering for a holiday, and my sister's boyfriend was there. The day after this holiday was my birthday, but my dad made no mention of it and instead he announced he was going to take my sister and her boyfriend to a nearby tourist attraction. When I pointed it out to him he told me that I had said I was going to go shopping.

The extreme favoritism (and not just around money) has been a thorn in my side since I was in high school, but I was always told the youngest child is spoiled and the oldest child is the responsible one and isn't it nice that your parents think so highly of your abilities... Of course my sister is convinced she is the victim (and the only victim) and she used to attempt to engage me in one-way gripe sessions. The delusion is so strong!

[WJC]

@daughter

I have been reading the forums for the past few days and I remember seeing some of your posts. Thank you so much for what you said here! Our stories do sound very similar, although I was never told directly to my face that my mom does not like me. I was actually pretty close to my mom but I wish she had not been so enabling.

I so appreciate what you said about the SG role that is so fastened to our self-identity. I have really been thinking about this a lot over the past few months. My dad had shoulder surgery in June and I felt so guilty for not being there as he was wheeled into surgery and when he came out of sedation. My old self would have been there but he did something pretty outrageous in February and I decided not to go. He has money for home health and he had extended family who drove him to the hospital. But I felt like I was being such a bad daughter! I have been reflecting a lot on that brainwashing. Even when I feel that I have made tremendous progress in setting boundaries, there is still that rendency toward self-recrimination when we step out of our assigned roles.

This whole thing with the car is probably a blessing in disguise because it is forcing me to examine some scenarios in a new light. My dad comes across as the nice harmless old guy who loves animals and birds and is very quiet and mild-mannered and shy. It is just so hard to see the malevolence. It is easy to see in my sister because she makes no attempt to hide her utter contempt and disdain of me. But my dad presents himself as Mr. Nice Guy who didn't mean to do anything wrong. He has always been obsessed with my sister but I chalked it up to the unfortunate SG role I was assigned. But now I am seeing the underlying currents. He stopped calling me on my birthday or sending checks and I guessed it was because I do not call his precious princess on her birthday so I have to be punished. She went into a tizzy for two or three years in a row because I did not call her whereas she always called me (not true of course). And I know she does not want me to call, so that is not what any of this is about. I just wish I had paid more attention to the thought of my dad probably ignoring me to get back at me. I will have to give this a lot more thought. It just seems like I need to bow down and worship the princess or else!