When others ask about your parents

[11JB68]

Having been no contact for a while, I've had some awkward situations.  This weekend,  an old acquaintance I haven't seen in a long time asked me across a table at a reception if I've talked to my father.  I mean,  if you care,  then speak with me away from the crowd/ table,  maybe say something like I've always felt badly about your difficulties with your parents,  how are you doing with that? Not create an awkward moment at a crowded table. I answered,  um no, and changed the subject by saying that we do visit my fil twice a month....

[Srcyu]

Is this person older than you? Sounds like he was trying to shame you.
If only we could respond with a short reply that would shame them back. I would love to be able to say, 'Who?'

I find moderated anger at such questions or intrusions usually serves to remind the person not to bother bringing up the subject again. Because, trust me - decades can pass and STILL someone will take it upon themselves to raise the matter.

[11JB68]

Older woman.  Very close with her own kids. I'm sure she cannot fathom a child not speaking with a parent.
She was an acquaintance years ago. Barely knows me.  Doesn't know my FOO.
It was so random out really threw me and I felt uncomfortable.

[xredshoesx]

i simply state the truth- 'when i found out my mother was responsible for my half sister's death i stopped speaking to her'

it is hard tho-  at least i don't get the 'it's your mooooootherrrrrrrr' comments after i drop that comment bc it pretty much ends the conversation.

[olivegirl]

If I meet someone new or if he/she is an acquaintance, I just stay vague about my parents.   

With relatives, I speak up now that I am completely NC due to their behavior.

Because my parents have become quite obnoxious lately:

my queen mother has amped up her haughtiness and loves being a "mean girl" whereas my arrogant father demands deference from everyone who crosses his path. 

My parents have smeared me to relatives in order to isolate me:  "Olivegirl told me she wants nothing to do with her family, so sad.  But she's so busy, she has moved on."   

Just lies to make me appear that I want nothing to do with others so that my parents' lies about their lifestyle is not exposed.

(When I confronted my parents for spreading blatant lies that I want nothing to do with any of my relatives, they minimize their deceit and follow that up that they brag because they are "so proud" of me.).    Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. 

So most relatives have expressed their sympathy for me because they get it. 

I do feel a bit validated getting my story out there.   

I am missing a family wedding that I would have loved to attend but my parents will attend and they will use it as an opportunity to humiliate and smear me and I won't put myself in that spot again. 

I no longer worry as much that my NC is perceived as my being "messy." 

[Srcyu]

It's annoying that she made you feel uncomfortable. That's because she was being extremely rude and nosey.
I think, 'Why do you ask?' might be a good response in future.

[moglow]

I'd have prob gone with "not recently. This steak is amazing, what are you having?" Basically answer a question with a question or full on deflect and change subject, particularly with someone I don't know well. In many situations I think people reach for a common denominator possibly not even realizing it's a sore subject. If they persist, they get what they get. Their axe to grind is not mine, ya know?

There's a time and place for those conversations and a reception with lots of people around isn't it. I hope Mr. Busybody moved on to something else pretty quickly.

[Andeza]

I used to get the odd "Have you heard from your mother?"

I heard this line from uPDMIL and my recovering enDad, and my response to both was "How would I hear from her? She's still blocked." Pretty much kills the conversation.

Dad has stopped asking at this point. I think he finally got over that particular caretaking urge. For a long time, in the early years after the divorce, he'd remind me to call her for major holidays and her birthday. My bet was that he was still afraid of the fallout, even though they no longer lived together and he was working on lowering contact with her. So I feel it was just his habit and, somewhat compulsion, to try to keep the peace.

With MIL, now knowing that she had periods of NC with her own parents over the years, I believe she fully expected me to eventually extend an olive branch, make peace, and move on. In other words, she expected me to do the same thing she did. I think that many times, people are projecting their expectations onto us based on what they think they would do in our shoes. Additionally, people that don't have, or have not recognized, abuse from relatives, cannot fully grasp our motivation. They think it's a phase, and it will pass.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

If they couldn't, they can't imagine how you could. And try to change your mind because it makes them uncomfortable. They then try to pass their discomfort to me. It's codependent behavior. I've seen it most from people, who, in my humble totally biased opinion, would benefit from some stronger boundaries with their own families, if you know what I'm saying.

[donutmoonpanda]

My in-laws are the only ones who ever ask about it, but I always say "Yeah, she's fine." Or "Oh, he's fine." Then I change the subject. I'm sure they always think "Maybe they have talked recently..." but they aren't quite sure because someone else's parent/child relationship is often quite a mystery, isn't it?

It's my way of saying, "You don't know anything, do you? So stay out of it."

[easterncappy]

My dad's abuse was pretty overt and obvious, and I figured out that I didn't like it when I was very young. I used to lie and say he wasn't my real dad or that my dad was dead or left us because I was so ashamed of him and his behavior... this was when I was about 10, so cut me some slack lol. Now I just tell people I don't talk to my dad. If they ask why, I cite one of the more tame things... alcoholism.

My mom's abuse was more covert and less obvious, and people tend to overlook maternal abuse ("but she's your mom!"). I do tell people I don't talk to my mom. I don't tell them it's because she let someone abuse me and all of the really nasty things she did, that's not something I reveal to too many people (that's what this forum, my blog, and my husband are for). I say it's because she has mental issues and needs to get herself under control if she is to be allowed near me and my family. This was also the excuse when we did used to talk, but I didn't want people in my life meeting her or inviting her places.

These things usually make people back off. I'm not explaining my life story to everyone I meet who is curious about my family. I just need to get it across to them that the reason is serious and that I won't tolerate judgmental comments.

[Boat Babe]

I just say that my mum's really difficult and leave it at that. My friends have heard it all and I'm sick of talking about it, other than here.

[lkdrymom]

Is there something wrong with saying "we don't speak anymore" and letting it drop?  I get the older person trying to shame you. One time we were on a cruise and my daughter gets a text from her uncle reminding her that the next day was her father's birthday and it would be nice if she acknowledged it.  I saw her roll her eyes and put down the phone.  I told her she should have texted her uncle back and reminded him that today was her birthday and she hadn't heard from his brother.

[Srcyu]

In a similar vein, I was fairly recently informed by an old relative-in-law that her sister had, 'very much hoped that I would speak to my mother again before she (the sister) died.'
It enraged me to hear such personal yet deeply nonsensical diatribe coming out of the mouth of someone who was normally fairly harmless.
My response left her in no doubt that she REALLY ought not to mention it again.

[moglow]

Windmill, my snide inner voice responded with, "Well, I had very much hoped my mother would treat me differently all these years but here we are. Actions have consequences..."

[xredshoesx]

i'm with boat babe.  i don't even want to discuss it anymore.  it's been over half my life without my mother as a part of it.

[Srcyu]

moglow, I like that response very much.

The really irksome bit was the fact that my mother has been dead a few years ...... honestly, some people just can't let it rest.

[The Butterfly Effect]

Windmill, my snide inner voice responded with, "Well, I had very much hoped my mother would treat me differently all these years but here we are. Actions have consequences..."

And there's this wonderful invention called The Telephone/Cellular which works perfectly well in my mothers  house but she only (accepts)..I mean  expects, incoming calls because her entitlement to be called is way up there on the "I'm your Mother" verbatim  regardless of how many times I've picked up the phone to call her.

[JustKat]

I don't hear that one much anymore, mostly because I've lost so many people to my Nmother's smear campaign. When I did get that question I'd usually just answer with "I'd rather not talk about it," then change the subject or walk away. No need to elaborate. If you aren't comfortable talking about it, then you don't have to.

If the person is intentionally trying to create an awkward exchange, there's nothing you can say that will make them happy. Give them a short answer, change the subject, whatever works. You don't owe someone like that any answers. 

[Liketheducks]

Windmill, my snide inner voice responded with, "Well, I had very much hoped my mother would treat me differently all these years but here we are. Actions have consequences..."

And there's this wonderful invention called The Telephone/Cellular which works perfectly well in my mothers  house but she only (accepts)..I mean  expects, incoming calls because her entitlement to be called is way up there on the "I'm your Mother" verbatim  regardless of how many times I've picked up the phone to call her.

OMG....we have the same mother.   She's angry with me because I'm not jumping to call and "fix" our relationship.   I welcome a different discussion, but I'm not going to be the one to reach out.   Then she complains to all the world about how horrible I am.   I keep doing the VLC, being pleasant and light when we are in each other's presence.....and she just can't stand it.   Literally a plethora of great advice for parents who are estranged from their adult children.   What my mom can't fathom, is we had a trauma bond.   I no longer want that kind of toxic relationship, so unless things change, we will be VLC.  I've never had so much peace in my life as a result.