Celebrating my birthday while in contact with FOO

[mary_poppins]

Hi all.

It was my birthday on Saturday, I turned 40. I was out all day so I didn't get to see my PD family, thank god. It was a good day, I went to the stalls and fed horses (we have a horse riding place nearby), then enjoyed quiet time in the forest. After that, I went for a coffee by myself and felt really good.
Although I was happy doing what I love, I still felt alone and abandoned. I couldn't help thinking how sad it is to need to avoid my family at all cost for my bday otherwise they will completely ruin it by making me feel bad. It would have been nice to plan my bday with my mother and do stuff together or take a trip with my brothers and just have some fun...

Also, it's so sad to know they don't really care, not even on my birthday. They couldn't even bother to bake a cake or cook something special for me (they prepare elaborate meals for THEIR own birthdays), buy me a present or a card. (they only gave me money-that's their thing)

They never ever threw me a birthday party and for all my bdays while growing up, they made me feel like I don't even deserve a happy birthday. I used to cry for my birthday when I was younger or isolate myself.

My point is that celebrating your birthday while in contact with a dysfunctional family feels really bad, you just want to dissapear because they don't make you feel important, not even for this specialy day. I actually have emotional flashbacks whenever people talk about their own birthdays, when I see others singing happy bday to someone in a restaurant (I freak out) or whenever there are bday parties in movies-I can't watch that.

I really wish that I could throw myself a bday party for once in my life but I don't know if I could ever do that. It feels traumatising even to think about it.

Has any of you here managed to overcome the trauma regarding own birthday?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Oh, MP, I'm so sorry.  That's a milestone birthday and I wish you felt well celebrated.  I'm so glad you found things to do that you love so you could celebrate yourself!  I do understand, though, it feels sad to have to do it alone.

I heard a speaker once say that the core issue for some of us was growing up feeling "I don't matter."  Birthdays kind of put an exclamation point on that.  I know the feeling.  I used to go into a terrible shame spiral. 

On my 30th birthday I decided to throw myself a special party to break that old "you're not worth celebrating" spell.  I asked some friends when they might be free to go and then rented a large cabin in the mountains for a weekend where the group of us stayed.  I didn't have any PD family there but one of my best "friends" was a good stand in.  I guess she decided she was mad at me because she changed her mind about that being a good weekend.  So she came and refused to speak to me the whole time.  It was so weird and awkward.  The shame was searing.  I never tried anything like that again, though I probably could now.  I don't have "friends" like that anymore.  But I'd really have to screw up my courage. 

Nowadays, when I want to do something like that, I might see if I can get together with someone to do something fun without saying why and then just mention it once we're together so I can enjoy their good wishes.   I keep it low key.  I guess low key but not nothing (and not alone if I can help it) has been the best way I've found so far to avoid retraumatizing myself.

Anyway, MP, I wish you a happy birthday.    You are doing something wonderful with your life -- opening yourself to recovering and opening your heart to sharing it with others so we may, too.   Love and good wishes to you at this special time!!!  ❤❤❤

[bloomie]

mary_poppins - Happy Birthday!!!

Doing something that brings you joy and peace on your bday sounds wise and wonderful! I am so glad you chose to do that and to celebrate another year of life!

I understand well how emotionally activating birthdays can be and how past disappointments can come forward in a painful reminder. I am  so sorry this has been your experience with your family members.

I am convinced that there are those that are not capable, or interested, in celebrating others. And, in my own case there are those that attempt to sabotage, or co-opt, the celebrations of others. Either by ignoring bdays and celebrations or actively creating drama around them or vacillating between the two keeping us off balance.

The message that says... 'here's some money', but there is not a single effort to offer an actual interpersonal word or text or message of kindness is loud and clear.  And it is not what familial love looks like. And we know it.

It sounds like you are slowly reclaiming your bday and adjusting your expectations. Working through the feelings around it all is a part of accepting what we cannot change and I truly believe will bring you to a place of healthy indifference in time.

I am so glad you shared and hope this week is a good one!!

[Hattie]

Happy birthday Mary! I had my 40th last year and celebrated the day on my own and then had a party a few days later. It was a bit of a struggle on the day but I got through it. I posted about it at the time and thought you might like to look: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=89057.msg761017#msg761017

[mary_poppins]

@Hattie, thank you for the link. I look forward to reading your post. I didn;t know there are others like me who like to spend their bday alone
But I'm glad you had a party later on.

[mary_poppins]

@bloomie

Yeah, that's exactly what giving money on someone's birthday says. It's more like a practical thing and, instead of being an emotional thing. Here's some money because i can't seem to bother to make an effort for you or acknowledge your existence by looking for a present for you or buying you a card. Yuck. Narcissists suck!

[mary_poppins]

@Lookin 2 B free

I'm glad you threw a party for your 30th birthday. I threw a party for my bday long time ago when I was 3000 km away from m family, living on my own. It was great, no PDs present, only nice people. I'm sorry u had that one person who made u feel bad.

I think I want a party for my bday but I first need to make good friends. I am working hard at this now and I seem to be going two steps backward and one step forward if you know what I mean.

Thank you for your wishes.