My "tragic" life

[ambivalent1]

My mother died of cancer in June.  It has caused me to be able to come to terms with a lot of bad things she did.
One of these things was to spend my entire adult life trying to make me believe I was born under a black cloud.  She told me in my early 20s that she thought my life was a tragedy.  One reason she gave for calling my existence tragic was that I had had to drop out of college at 19 and go back a few years later.
Among other things, over the years, she has told me that anything bad that can happen to a person will happen to me, and that she has no choice but to say I have a sad life because it's so obviously true.
I have read several articles about narcissistic mothers over the years that talk about exactly this type of behavior.  One said it can come from a mother thinking of a child as an extension of herself and project her own happiness onto her child.
The other article said it can be a way for the narcissistic mother to feel better about herself. - She may be unhappy but look how much worse it is for her child.  I think both explanations work well for my mother.

[notrightinthehead]

While it might be important for you to understand the reasons your mother did that to you, it might be more important to find out if you somehow believed her and internalized her dark outlook for your life - making them self fulfilling prophecies - in order to prove your mother right.

[Hattie]

Hmm, this is interesting. I get a bit of this from my FOO, particularly in regards to my single/ childless status. I'm in my 40s, am single, and don't have children due to infertility. It is definitely a big disappointment to me not to have kids or a partner at this stage. That being said, my life is pretty great. I have good friends, a cool job, a nice house, fun hobbies, a lovely pet etc. But I get this patronising vibe off FOO about my singledom which feels pretty overblown.

Not right makes a very interesting point, which I think i need to ponder

[JustKat]

Among other things, over the years, she has told me that anything bad that can happen to a person will happen to me

My Nmother did this from the time I was a very young child. I few thoughts on the reasons why they do this:

In the case of my own mother, a lot of it was about control. She controlled me with fear. When we had "the sex talk" at age ten, I was told I would die in childbirth if I got pregnant, her way of making me afraid of boys and afraid of having sex. She also told me I would die in a car accident if I drove a car, would die in a plane crash, even die if I ate certain foods. I was always given the worst-case scenario of what could happen to me. She put so much fear in me that it made it easier for her to keep me at home and away from outside activities.

The other is what you mentioned, which is making you feel bad so that she could feel better about her own unhappiness. For example, my Nmother had a lot of anger over not having a college degree so did what she could to keep me out of college. When I saved enough money to start college at age 30, she kept telling me I would fail, I'd go broke, and that I should just drop out. Even though my mother had everything she could ever want in life, she never seemed happy. She was jealous of the things other people had so she would tear them down in order to lift herself up.

[MarlenaEve]

Ambivalent, I agree with JustKathy-she said that to you to instill fear in you and control you. If children are full of fear and dread they are very easily controlled.

Sam Vaknin talks a lot about the narcissist's way of speaking. Narcs choose their words very carefully, they curate their speeches, they don't just throw any words at you. Your mother chose to tell you that to break you down so she can turn you into a victim. It's all about power and control for them.
If Ns cannot control their children or adult children, they have lost their battle. It's like their life's mission to turn their offspring into meaningless, self-destructive, small and afraid beings to make sure, their entire lives they'll have an uninterrupted source of narcissistic supply. Imagine if you were confident and brave, a real goal-getter as a child.

You'd have left her home and her life long time ago. No confident person who loves and protects themselves fro harm would tolerate a minute of narcissistic abuse.

My NM turned me into an emotionally unavailable person since I'm afraid of getting married or even be close to a romantic partner. My brothers don't function well either. One has chronic anxiety and NPD, the other struggles with alcohol issues. None of us are married or had loving relationships and we are both in our 30s. So, NM reached her goal of keeping us small and unsuccessful, single and alone.

Today I saw my father pushing my brother (who's had alcohol issues) into drinking vodka. I don't think anyone who is slightly human would do this to their own child.

[Boat Babe]

Ambivalent, I agree with JustKathy-she said that to you to instill fear in you and control you. If children are full of fear and dread they are very easily controlled.

Sam Vaknin talks a lot about the narcissist's way of speaking. Narcs choose their words very carefully, they curate their speeches, they don't just throw any words at you. Your mother chose to tell you that to break you down so she can turn you into a victim. It's all about power and control for them.
If Ns cannot control their children or adult children, they have lost their battle. It's like their life's mission to turn their offspring into meaningless, self-destructive, small and afraid beings to make sure, their entire lives they'll have an uninterrupted source of narcissistic supply. Imagine if you were confident and brave, a real goal-getter as a child.

You'd have left her home and her life long time ago. No confident person who loves and protects themselves fro harm would tolerate a minute of narcissistic abuse.

My NM turned me into an emotionally unavailable person since I'm afraid of getting married or even be close to a romantic partner. My brothers don't function well either. One has chronic anxiety and NPD, the other struggles with alcohol issues. None of us are married or had loving relationships and we are both in our 30s. So, NM reached her goal of keeping us small and unsuccessful, single and alone.

Today I saw my father pushing my brother (who's had alcohol issues) into drinking vodka. I don't think anyone who is slightly human would do this to their own child.

They are soooooo damn toxic. No wonder you're feeling anxious.  Sending hugs.