Ghosting from a parent

[Markclo1]

Hi, this is a follow up to a post i made about 6 months ago. I have been the family scapegoat for quite a few years, because of my unwillingness to stay silent about family dysfunction and specifically my fathers emotional abuse. After various conversations with my narcissistic father and sister (the Golden child) about boundaries earlier this year, my father suddenly stopped talking to me. We have had an on / off relationship for several years already, i guess i could never quite manage to be completely no contact with my dad, although i knew deep downs that's probably what i needed to do.

Over the summer he just stopped talking to me, without any warning or explanation and has basically ghosted me ever since. Its like i suddenly don't exist to him anymore, or I'm just too much hassle for him to be bothered with. Its incredibly hurtful, even if we didn't have a good relationship for years. With the exception of my mom, my sister and the rest of my extended family seem to have followed his example. I live far from my family now, have a family of my own and in many ways am doing well in my life. However, its very hurtful that my extended family havent approached me to check if I am Ok, ask about my wellbeing or even hear my side of the story. I am realizing that i am probably better off without them, but do any of you have experience of dealing with this behavior. I feel like i need some closure, but that is very hard when they wont communicate with me or explain what they are feeling?

[Liketheducks]

My mother cut me off for a period of time.   And, told everyone else in the family that I had cut her off.   As a result, I had teams of flying monkeys trying to intervene on her behalf....while she actually did nothing to have a relationship with me.  It was crazy making.   Eventually, I had to come to realize that I needed to grief the relationship that I thought I had had with my mother.  I was fully enmeshed with her....and as I grew out of my fog and put in boundaries, I started to see the more toxic behaviors between the two of us.   At one time, everyone in my family turned on me based on her comments.   During this time, I found out my husband was having an affair.   
Needless to say, I was utterly devastated and felt utterly alone in the world.   If not for a few good friends, I'm not sure how I made it through.   
No one wanted to her about what I was going through or my side of the story, as well.   It was my "duty" to read my mother's mind and respond accordingly.   For a few years, she told everyone what a terrible daughter I was.   AND then, I noticed an odd pattern for her.   She would find another family member to be the golden child and eventually, they'd have a falling out and she'd move on to someone else.   She effectively alienated all of her children at one time or another.

I found myself a really great counselor, spent a lot of time here, and did a ton of self work. 

Mom and I now have a much more superficial relationship.  There are the occasion snide remarks, but I chalk it up to her and keep myself at a greater distance.   

Time will help.   

I'm sorry you're finding yourself here.

[Markclo1]

I guess I'm struggling to understand how family can be so cruel to one of their own, this seems to have been initiated by my father as a punishment, to try to make my life as miserable as possible, to maniuplate me into capitualting. I am having trouble coming to terms with this.

[Liketheducks]

You hit the nail on the head.  It baffles me how they can be so cruel.   My last interaction with my mom she delivered all my "papers" back to me.   What she actually gave me was every letter, Mother's Day card, drawing, etc. I had given her as a child.  Was she cleaning out clutter?...no.   

I'm a mother too.  I cherish those things my now adult child gave me over the years.  I go through them now and again and get sentimental for him as a little child.   I would never give those things away....and certainly not back to him. 

[Cat of the Canals]

It not unusual for a discard to happen when you refuse to sit quietly and allow the abuse to happen. You are no longer a reliable source of narc supply, and to the narcissist, this means you are no longer of use.

I think it's always a bit of a shock the first time you realize how little they really care for you, how petty they are, and the relationships they are willing to sacrifice for the sake of their own ego. Most of the narcissists I know would seemingly rather die than admit they were wrong.

And then the fallout with other family members just adds insult to injury. The problem with dysfunctional families like these is that everyone has essentially been brainwashed into believing that the narcissist is the literal center of their universe. The narc's needs must be met, or everyone will suffer. 

So your family's alienation is probably two-fold. First, you had the audacity to rock the boat. It probably infuriated your father and that is simply not allowed. Second, remember the "F" in FOG. They are likely terrified of crossing him. They know what happens when you don't toe the line. Look what happened to you.

I don't say this to excuse your family's behavior. But I personally find it helpful if I can understand where a person's motives might be coming from/why they are making particular choices.

In any case, I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you strength.

[Markclo1]

Thanks, and yes i believe you are right, my father is making an example of me so nobody  else would cross him like i supposedly have, its very sad to see my sister go along with that. I guess I have always been the agitator in the family, the one who has questioned him the most. With the extended family, i believe most of them just dont want to get involved, but for none of them to even check in to see how i am is very hurtful. The anguish i have felt over this is hard to describe, for a few months i kept wondering if my dad or somebody would contact me, i now realize that probably is not going to happen. Its has caused me some major anxiety, so any recommendations for getting support for this particularly would be appreciated

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hey Marklo, I am in there with you. When I rocked the boat with my MIL every single one of my in-law family simply dropped us like a hot potato. We had one sorry flying monkey attempt via e-mail. Which I answered, kindly. And then radio silence. Christmas cards, phone calls, presents to our kids, everything completely evaporated, despite my saying explicitly the problem was between me and MIL and I was open to other family relationships same as before. Guess they showed me!

With my FOO, it was the same. Once the connection to the parents was gone there was simply nothing left for me.

It is very hurtful.

But were these people ever truly caring for you? In my case the answer was a big fat no. We played our roles as satellites around keeping the narc system narcing along and convincing everyone inside it that we were all just great, happy family. I simply escaped orbit around that black hole. They were all left frozen in their development on the edge of the event horizon. I opted out of the whole being stretched into spaghetti and then crushed into a singularity, because I could feel that beginning to happen to me. As hard as it was, no regrets, considering the cost of keeping those relationships.

I too was the "agitator," the one who would talk back to my dad. That's probably most common for the scapegoat to be the one who gets away. Jay Reid has a lot of good videos about all of these dynamics, of what happens when the scapegoat leaves. You are definitely in good company here.

[Markclo1]

Mt father is a broken man. He grew up himself in a deeply dysfunctional and abusive home. His own faither was an alcoholic who was very abusive. Two of his siblings committed suicide. This is the root of all the issues in the family, but they would rather carry on pretending everything is OK than actually have healthy relationships. As difficult as this has been for me, i cant in all good conscience continue to live in the middle of those dynamics.