Does this sound like a personality disorder?

[Amy-Rose]

I try not to be judgemental but we've always had a really tough time with this family member. Whenever we do see her it's so stressful. I wanted to ask if, in your opinion, my aunt Sara has a personality disorder or if you just think it's her personality or something else? Should I push to get her to a doctor or just leave her be? I'll sum up the main problem areas. P.S (my Mum has no mental illnesses but my other aunt has BPD and the other OCD)


Very selfish. To an entirely new degree. Even to the point where her pets' needs are neglected and others can get hurt. (driving 8 hours with car brakes that were sticking, a steering wheel that was pulling with 5 kids in the car because she wanted to go away. She had a car accident the day before because she smashed into someone's car not looking). She's very arrogant about it and thick-skinned. But occasional reckless.
Self-absorbed/lacking empathy - but she sees herself as a total empath. She shows no interest or care in people but if they pass away it's all flowery sentiment and of course, about her. No thought for anyone else. It's exhausting. She just dumps emotional baggage on people and yet shows no interest in what you go through.
Attention/sympathy seeking.
Lies - most of her lies are harmless and compulsive and you only find out when she contradicts herself. She'll also lie to avoid being caught in behaviour that lacks integrity.
Has no problem putting other people out so she can do whatever she wants. She'll ask you to do her favour after favour, but you don't see her the rest of the time.
She has a real concern for her public image. She tries to come across as whiter than white and the long suffering "hero and victim". No accountability is taken. When caught out on the occasional lie she never admits nor denies it and just gives the gem we've all heard "Im you feel that way/sorry you think I hurt your feelings"
Rules and boundaries are there to be tested. She likes to push in very subtle ways.
moody/irritable.
Paranoid under stress - she was made redundant during co-vid, plus my mum's other sister attempted suicide (bpd) and my aunt was having problems with noisy neighbours. Sara told them about it and they were apologetic but afterwards she acted scared of them. They did nothing but she wouldn't go out if they were around. Kept her house in darkness for weeks and when I went round and asked why she was living by a single candle she told me it was because of them. They'd done nothing else and been quiet. The truth was she didn't seem to know why they were making her feel the need to hide.
Fantastical thinking/new ideas all the time that never happen. She is inconsistent and loses interest in things/people and so can never stick at anything long enough. All of her ambitions are out of her personal reach.
Endless bore and restless. With this "feelings are facts when their my feelings"
Secretive and vague with information, even harmless information like if she's going away (she goes on a lot of holidays) and asks me to feed cats/dog/fish. But is reluctant to tell me how long exactly she'll be gone and even where she's going.
Lies about lack of money - always hard up but has the money for monthly holidays and days out. She can't afford a £40 bill, but can afford £90 but a dress and shoes the day before.
Everything is everyone else's fault.
Holds grudges and resentments even when she was also in the wrong. She only sees what the other person did.

Whenever she's in my life my head starts feeling so muddled and confused. All her friends would keep telling me how wonderful she was. Everyone seemed to LOVE her. I don't see how none of them notice the inconsistencies in her in general. I always wondered why she only came to our homes and never got invited to hers. Then one day she needed help and she let me in. The place was unclean, everything covered in cobwebs and just heaps of junk everywhere. You couldn't even get into the bedroom. Another friend of mine turned out to be a hoarder and it was exactly the same. Just black mould  in every room. I had no idea, it looked fine from the outside. Clean curtains, clean nets, plants at the window. It looked so...normal from the outside. Just like her. She looks normal. Clean, well dressed. Reserved, shy, but friendly demeanour. She does all the normal stuff (holidays, days out with friends, goes out every day) but maybe to excess.
Nothing about her appearance or actions cries mental health problems. But I'm beginning to wonder if things are worse than I thought and that "normal" vibe is just an act. It sounds awful but there seem to be no good points to her. Everything is until it suits her not to be. She appears loyal but is two-faced. One minute she's all over me and I'm the kid she never had and then suddenly...silent treatment for weeks or months. She takes on pets she only seems half interested in. Never known her to have a relationship, though she did tell me about one supposed man, but even those two stories contradicted themselves.

I have no idea whether to try and help her or to try and cut her. I go through hating her and feeling sorry for her and not knowing what's going on in her head is driving me out of mine. Nothing changes. Nothing improves. She's done counselling, tons of it. We do yoga and meditation together. She goes on monthly retreats away for spiritual enlightenment and stress reduction. Yet nothing improves.

Does anyone have any advice? I appreciate your time and your reading my rant.

[SonofThunder]

Hello Amy-Rose,

Below is a link to the top 100 traits of PD persons.  Maybe the trait list will be a good resource to consider while you compare to the experiences mentioned in your post.

https://outofthefog.website/traits/

Cheers,

SoT