A few thoughts and what do you tell people?

[Blackbird11]

My status has not really changed. Did make some progress on the selling the house side, and once that happens (hopefully by early 2020) I'll be able to pay off debt and start my new life. Fingers crossed. I'm still not ready to file yet - it's complicated but taking it very, very slowly. I may do so by December.

It is hard to manage the emotions every day. I am literally trying to take it one day at a time, sometimes a few hours at a time. I'm still working my way through the stages of grief: sometimes I'm sad, sometimes angry, sometimes in a calm acceptance.

uPDh and I have already informally divided the holidays/who will have our child at Thanksgiving and Christmas (via text so it's documented).

He is calm so far - seemingly more in acceptance, but also still making it seem like I'm the one with issues when he and I are around each other and have time for conversation. I use MC and GR a LOT. It helps.

He's still telling people that this is something that I want (which is true) and that I would rather do this than try to work on the marriage (that is not true - I have been working on the marriage since I got married). He's been continuing his father of the year campaign on social media. It makes me really uncomfortable and upset but I have no control over that.

I spent a few days away from my child for the first time in over a year. I stayed with some family for a few days to get rest and clear my head. It was also to give myself a taste of what shared custody feels like. I missed my kid so much the first day, the second day was a little easier. I don't love it but there is no other choice. Our son needs to spend time with his dad.

It's just weird. It still feels like this isn't my life. I have been with this person for over a decade. His family was like my family. His friends were my friends. Right now I'm not really reaching out to any of them because I don't know what to say. That is the easiest way that I can think of to keep the peace. I think some of them may be offended by that. It's hard to have people upset with me. I am a people pleaser to my core.

There are 1-2 people on his "side" that I have felt comfortable saying some things to - but I don't tell them fully. His public-facing persona is so different from what I experienced that it really just becomes me trying to convince people that he's not a great guy. I've had to get into these discussions with my own family and friends, I'd rather not start with his.

But I'm curious what everyone else has experienced - do people on the other person's side reach out to you? Or do you try to reach out to them? What do you say? Did you just consider the relationships with their family and friends over/changed once you filed? With the holidays coming up I'm just anxious about what it will be like, I guess.

[GettingOOTF]

My BPDxH also told the “it’s what she wants, I want to work on it” story.  Except his version made me out to be this cruel, heartless women who left a sick man who was trying his best.

Look, you are never going to be able to control the narrative. People will believe what is easiest for them, and in these cases it’s easier for them to accept that their friend/son/brother married a heartless woman than accept that he is abusive, mentally ill etc.

My experience was that the groundwork had been laid years ago for this narrative and the more I tried to convince people, the more they sided with my ex.  I worked on letting go. It no longer matters to me who believes what.

It wasn’t easy and I’m now not in touch with any mutual friends from that time. It is impossible for anyone to be totally neutral so even the “I’m not taking sides” people still had strong options.

I also found that most of them were really his friends and were attracted to him the way people are attracted to PDs. Without them doing the work I am doing they would never come to see the truth about him. My ex is also a master manipulator. I could tell you all the awful things he did and if you met him you’d thing “wow such a sweet guy, Getting is totally wrong about him”.

For me total NC with “the other side” was the only way it ended up eventually. Before getting to that I simply said neural things like “it didn’t work out”, “yes it’s a shame” etc. it’s really no one else’s business. I found that the people who wanted the details were really the people who loved gossip and drama. People who cared about me accepted what I told them without digging and said MC things like “I’m sorry”.

For me I really came to understand, at my core, that I had nothing to prove or explain to anyone.

[Blackbird11]

Thank you Getting. Your thoughts and perspective are very helpful. I do need to practice releasing the need for external understanding or approval. You are correct the people who care accept/understand and still love me. I am very grateful for the ones that are still there for me.

[notrightinthehead]

Same here, the people on his side did not reach out to me at all. In the beginning they would ask nosy questions and give insensitive advice (like I should start internet dating) and now I have no contact to any of them. I did not contact them and they did not contact me. It was sad for me but I guess they fell into the friends for a reason category.

If they ever were real friends they will reach out to you, and if not, well you know now.

[Blackbird11]

Here's a concrete example that sort of relates to this as it concerns "his" side. if anyone can share their thoughts I appreciate!

So my kid's cousin (on uPDh's side) has a birthday coming up. My SIL is throwing a small family party to celebrate.

uPDh tells me via text this morning when and where the party is. No context (was I invited? Does he want me to bring DS bc he is working?). So I then write back "oh ok - so you will bring DS? Or you want me to bring if you are working"

He wrote back "oh i thought we could all go together."

Then I let him know that I am ok with that (in the spirit of positive coparenting and maintaining friendly ties to my DS's dad's side of the family), but I don't want to make it uncomfortable by being there (because we are now separated 6 months, talking about selling the house and now living separate lives while I work up the courage to file).

He said we can talk more this weekend so he can get a sense of why I think it would be uncomfortable.

The more I think about it the more I think that he and I should not attend together. And here is the perfect example of me feeling fear around not only triggering uPDh if I don't go, and the current "peace" in our home escalating, but fear also of his side of the family feeling slighted by me - but I can't tell them everything I've been through so they understand.

OR maybe I'm making a bigger deal of it than it should be? It's a small in-home birthday.

I'm still foggy.

[GettingOOTF]

My ex did this exact thing - suggesting we "go together" to events. It was a way for him to control me, my time and the narrative of our split - "look at me including her and trying to work it out."  People will see you together and happy and that reinforces the view that you are the problem and should try harder.

It took me a while to figure out that was what was happening. This is a large part of why I eventually had to go NC with all the mutual friends and his family.

He doesn't need to get a sense of why you would feel uncomfortable. Again this is him trying to control you, manipulate and guilt you into not leaving and into doubting yourself and the reality of the relationship with him.

You aren't making a big deal. Everything you wrote is valid and understandable.

[pushit]

My exPDw did similar things.  Right after I filed, she threw every accusation at me that she could think of, then the next day asked if I wanted to go skiing with her and the kids.  WTF??     It was weird, she tried to act like we were still married for quite awhile.

IMO, you don't owe people any explanation.  In my situation I spoke with a few people but it quickly dawned on me that it was a waste of time.  Most of the people that didn't know me well looked at me like I was crazy, or just weren't interested in hearing about it.  The narrative had already been set in stone and I couldn't change it.  My close friends heard me out and validated my decision, and that helped. 

The best thing you can do is just stop caring what others think and let people show you whether or not they are your friend by their own actions.  It's very liberating to step back and let them all sort themselves out on their own.  You'll quickly find out who has your back and who you need to leave in the rear view mirror.  For me, it was full of surprises.  Some people I thought were my friends disappeared, and others that I didn't know that well really stepped up.  Now I spend my time on people according to how they treated me. 

Remain confident that you made the right decision for yourself and your child, and hold your head up high.  Eventually the dust settles and the drama queens fade away.  People will eventually see you and your child being happy together, and nothing that happened in the past matters.

[Blackbird11]

Again this is him trying to control you, manipulate and guilt you into not leaving and into doubting yourself and the reality of the relationship with him.

Yup. You're right. He has trained me well hasn't he.

I can't believe after all the stuff he has put me through, more than I've even been able to document on the boards, I'm thinking about going to this event! I need to draw the boundary.

pushit, stbxuPDh is pulling the same stuff! Accusing me of being an unfit parent, then inviting me to hang out with his family? And then of course we have divided the holidays already - is he going to expect me to invite him to my family gathering?

It's hard but I'm just going to tell him that I appreciate the invite but don't feel comfortable attending right now. We will have to find a new normal for how we go about these types of things.

I will try to be strong and picture that future happy state.

[Blackbird11]

Just an update, when I saw stbxuPDh he asked me about the party and if I thought I could go. I said I'd prefer not to go. As expected, he wanted me to explain why. I stayed very calm. I said I didn't think I needed to explain it to him. Then he said he didn't understand why I was trying to make it uncomfortable for his family. I didn't respond - I gray rocked and MC'd and it dropped.

Yes - my inner people pleaser is screaming at me to just go. Also - I actually like his family. It hurts to feel like I'm putting them behind a boundary. I don't want to make it uncomfortable with them for the sake of my children - I just want to keep it friendly. It's easier when it's friendly. My parents got there after their divorce and it helped a lot. I'm always questioning myself.