The 114-year old woman scares me

[kaizen]

Don't know if you saw the news story, but last month the oldest woman in the USA turned 114. Just this past week, there was a story about a 107 year old's birthday.

My mother turned 102 last month, and she is pretty darned healthy. It struck me that it's entirely possible for her to live another 5 or even 10 years. When she had a stroke 11 years ago, I didn't think she would survive long, but she recovered well. When we got her moved into Assisted Living 2 years ago, I didn't think she'd be there very long. She hadn't been doing well at home, losing weight, etc. But they take very good care of their residents, so my mother put her weight back on and is still doing surprisingly well.

So, if we're in this for the long haul, how do I keep going?

Right now I'm talking to her on the phone just about every night, and seeing her 1x a week or more, depending on what is going on. I still have our landline going straight to voicemail, and my cell on Do Not Disturb. But I had to put a sign up in her room, near the phone, reminding her that I was calling every night, because she couldn't remember. She's also starting to have trouble using the phone. She can't seem to deal with leaving me voicemail, and sometimes she doesn't seem able to even dial the correct number or remember how to get an outside line. For awhile, she kept telling the staff there was something wrong with her phone.

If she thinks we haven't spoken in a few days, she starts to get anxious, gets herself riled up trying to call over and over, and eventually gets a staff member to call and leave a message that she's trying to reach me. Even if I just saw her earlier that day, it doesn't matter--because if she can't remember it, it hasn't happened.  Then I have to deal with letting the staff member know I've talked to her, etc. It's just too much aggravation. Right now, it's easier to just have that sign up, and call her every night proactively. At least the staff can point to the sign to help calm her down.

But the phone calls are not fun. And our house is small so my poor husband has to listen to all the inane discussions about bathroom issues, her disposable underwear, and me repeating answers over and over. It's stressful enough for him, that one day he told me if he'd known our life was going to be like this, he wouldn't have married me. That hurt.

Being I can't seem to cut back on the contact right now, I'm trying to find other ways to de-stress our lives at home, so the contact with my mom doesn't put us both over the edge quite so much. I'm working on streamlining her finances even more, decluttering, etc. We're getting out to a movie this week, and we still get out for our dinner date every other week. I bought some beer and wine coolers while I was out shopping today.

Not sure why I'm writing this, except 1) as a warning to others that things might continue on longer than you think, so think ahead, and 2) I'm looking for more ideas for simplifying and streamlining my life, so there is less draining me, over all.

[SunnyMeadow]

Even reading that title scares me! 114?? Please, NO! My uNPDmom is in her mid-eighties and I'm just waiting to get the phone call telling me I'm free. If this goes on another 30 years I don't know what I'd do.

My m is overweight which stresses her bad back, knees and ankles, has copd which she calls a slight cough, diabetes and can hardly walk (well, in front of people but can high-tail it around when she thinks no one is looking). To think this could go on for several more decades is just awful.

If I were in your situation, I'd ask for assistance from the staff at her AL facility. Is there a way they can limit her calls? Not to be rude but if she isn't remembering times and days of your calls I wonder if they can use a standard phrase? Such as, oh you just talked to Kaizen lets wait until tomorrow and tomorrow might actually be 2 or 3 days. I'm not very informed on how this could cause a person with memory issues to react so if it's not a valid suggestion, please ignore!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can feel the stress of the situation just by reading your post.

Hugs and understanding.

[SerenityCat]

But the phone calls are not fun. And our house is small so my poor husband has to listen to all the inane discussions about bathroom issues, her disposable underwear, and me repeating answers over and over. It's stressful enough for him, that one day he told me if he'd known our life was going to be like this, he wouldn't have married me. That hurt.

It may feel like you cannot cut back on contact, and I do understand that. But you can.

Your mother's health care providers and the assisted living staff need to address her anxiety. Maybe with meds and persistent diversion. They need to have a plan of action that is done every time.

They need to know how to help calm her without involving you. You might not always be available at the very moment your mother is upset. Maybe the phone lines go down during a storm. Whatever the situation, they need to know how to help her.

Her calls are upsetting to you and family. This is important. Your well being comes first.

[kaizen]

Thank you SunnyMeadow and Serenity Cat.

I realized after I posted this, that I hadn't posted an update in a long time. This winter we did finally get my mother's house sold. As soon as we were done with that, I started taking care of things like replacing my car, getting new glasses, and taking care of some home maintenance issues of our own. Surprisingly, my mother seemed to be pleased that the house sold, and while she was curious about what we had done with a lot of items, she wasn't angry. So, things are so much better than they were.

She's been on an anti-anxiety medication for about a year and a half now, and it's made a huge difference. The phone calls we got at the beginning were filled with anger and accusations. Now she is just emotionally needy. I know she would love me to be her security blanket whenever she's bored, or lonely, or anxious. She seems to expect me to be sitting by the phone, waiting for her calls, any time of the day. But calls go directly to voicemail on both our phones, so she can call all she wants and I don't pick up. I check for messages a few times a day. And I just call her during that one-hour window in the evening.

She said once, she doesn't see how that is more convenient for her. I told her, I guess not, but it's more convenient for me. I also reminded her one day that if she can't reach me, she's in a building with hundreds of people to talk to, including the social worker down the hall a bit on one side, and the pastor on the other side. "But that's not the same." I know she's also seen the psychologist because I see it come through on the medical billing.

Part of the stress is her stuff still sitting around our house, that came from her house. And paper. Just this week I got two more tall kitchen bags of shredding out in the trash. Once all this stuff is out of sight, and I have a few more financial things set on automatic, I think my stress level will go down overall. I did find out that if she is moved to the memory unit eventually, they don't have phones. 

[looloo]

 , this scares the beejeezus out of me!  My Nmother's 89th Birthday was yesterday, and just as I've done every year for the past 9 years or so, I've silently (somewhat guiltily) wondered if maybe this would be the last??? Once again, at the end of the day, I patted myself on the back for getting through another year, and began looking toward the next annual hurdle—the holidays, and continuing on with the challenges/intrusions of my PD brother and his wife.  H and I are trying to take real steps towards making our own plans a reality, while being tethered to the responsibilities and obligations involved with caring for my mother.  Nmother's mother lived to about 90, and her sister (my aunt) I think passed away a few weeks after turning 92.  They all developed dementia at some point as they became elderly...
Anyway, I was reminded/scolded on this board a while back for "death wish" references, and so am treading lightly here.  But I know you all understand.

[SunnyMeadow]

Anyway, I was reminded/scolded on this board a while back for "death wish" references, and so am treading lightly here.  But I know you all understand.

Scolded? What the heck? That's a shame. This is the only place I've felt comfortable to mention how I'm not going to be sad when I get the "phone call" and would even welcome it most of the time. 

I think a lot worse things in my head and don't say or post them but I'd imagine many of us have considered the death wish.

[Poison Ivy]

People can live a very long time.  When my ex's mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, my ex's dad asked how long she would likely live after diagnosis and engaged in what was probably wishful thinking:  that it would be five to seven years.  It has been 11 years now. Former FIL and MIL are now 93 years old.  Former MIL's mom lived to age 101 with Alzheimer's disease.   

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hugs, kaizen. I admire you for your kindness and caring for someone who quite frankly is not entitled to this much of your energy on a daily basis.

I believe my MIL had some similar feelings after spending two weeks caretaking her parents a plane ride away, who still live in their large home. The situation there is not sustainable, but everyone's been saying forever that grandma would die soon so no need to upset things or plan for her care. I was treated like a croaking Cassandra. Now it's evident that grandma is not necessarily at death's door and like you experienced, the thought of doing this for the long term has her freaked. The difference between you is you kept your compassion and are working on setting some boundaries to help yourself, and you're using reasonable resources such as assisted living! MIL, I believe, was looking to dump the "burden" on me.

So anyway, on to how to not lose your mind and your marriage lol. The daily phone call as is happening now is too much for you, it's clear. Can you put a time limit on it? Sounds like it's long circular conversations right now. Stressful! What would be more doable for you? 10 minutes? 5? And/Or encourage your husband not to be around while you phone your mother, and do something he enjoys in his own? You don't mention this, but not relating the conversation to him afterwards would be wise. He doesn't want to be involved, and that this right.

Another thing is every day is a LOT. Even if kept short, it takes mental and emotional energy. You need to be able to take days off from your mother. Having worked with the elderly I understand their need for consistently, and I think your sign by the phone is really brilliant. Could it be changed to read, "Daughter will call on Monday and Friday at 7pm. Today is ______," or whatever schedule you decide.

I think there's a difference between wishing death on someone and facing what so many more years of THIS will do to you. For you, you're looking at finding healthier ways to cope. So great!

[looloo]

People can live a very long time.  When my ex's mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, my ex's dad asked how long she would likely live after diagnosis and engaged in what was probably wishful thinking:  that it would be five to seven years.  It has been 11 years now. Former FIL and MIL are now 93 years old.  Former MIL's mom lived to age 101 with Alzheimer's disease.

Yeah, the averages that you read don't seem to reflect how completely random it is in real life.  And it's sad and stressful enough when dealing with "regular" folks.  It's a slow motion nightmare when dealing with PDs.

[Cat13]

Been a heck of a couple of weeks, and it's just business as usual.  Most people I know tell me how wonderful it is I still have my mom with me. "Enjoy" her, they say. My family doesn't say that– they've been watching her bulldoze over people for decades- and a few of the aides at her AL facility and some friends with PD elderly parents see through the mess. It's nice to also be able to share here where people understand it's not about being a terrible person– it's about being sick and tired of it all. 95, going strong, no meds, minimal physical problems. Everyone in her family lives a long time. I wish I weren't a responsible person and could go to no contact for a while. But there are financial and other decisions to be made and actions to be taken. So....

[Bean_Counter]

kaizen-hugs to you boo! It sounds as if you're doing everything just perfectly, and I'm so sorry you have to handle the stress of caring for your mother AND processing your husband's frustration. Coming from someone who had an alcohol issue for a long time, please do not have a drink (or 5) to de-stress...it can be a very slippery slope. Dealing with your mom will frequently be a source of stress, so please don't let the beer or wine coolers become a source of relief. Go enjoy that dinner & movie out with hubs😁

[kaizen]

Hi, Bean_Counter, I hear you about not relying on alcohol for stress relief. I've seen it become a problem in my own family.

Luckily, I have a built-in control system to keep me from going overboard--gout.  I'm very careful not to have more than 1 or 2 drinks a week, if even that often, for fear of triggering an attack. I'm on daily medication for it, but you never know. I'm not chancing it.