STBXuPDH depressed

[PAY]

I have not gone no contact.  I do minimize interactions.  We just finished mediation and we live 1/2 mile apart.  Waiting for judge to rubber-stamp the finalized divorce.
I think I've learned here and elsewhere that this PD (likely NPD) is on a spectrum.  I'd say he's on the mild end ~ although likes to argue/rage and do all the other characteristics (circular conversations, hoovering, does not take responsibility for actions, didn't work for years, etc).
I mostly don't pick up the phone or respond to much (email/texts).  But I did yesterday-pick up the phone.  Aside from a recent bout of loneliness (see earlier post), I've been doing pretty well-feeling the sadness as well as the happiness of moving out/moving forward/finishing mediation.  So I was feeling pretty good when I picked up.  He was very depressed.  Possibly had had his one nightly drink, but it was hard to tell.
He started looping back into the circular conversation asking "why are you doing this?  I don't understand." And, "I was confused last year when we went to 2 therapists and a mediator to try and resolve our differences".
I know this is part of the "game" and manipulation.  However, I also get hooked in to feeling sad that he is so sad.  Of course he doesn't really want to hear my answers to "why", as I've pointed out many times and argues with me-at which point  I say I'm not going to continue with this conversation - and he hung up.
I know I need to strengthen that muscle to not pick up.  And to not feel moved by his sadness.  (He created this life for himself!).  How do you keep yourself from engaging?

Thanks!
Have a great day!

[Poison Ivy]

I have much experience being in a relationship of some type with depressed people. Most of this involves my now ex-husband. I don't have time right now to respond with specific suggestions, but please know that I sympathize very much with what you're going through and will try to get back later with more thoughts.

[Poison Ivy]

As far as I can tell, my ex-husband, now age 66, has struggled with depression and anxiety since he was a teenager (possibly earlier). I knew about his mental health issues very early in our relationship. I feel some sympathy. But I realized long ago that I can't "fix" other people's mental health problems. I can help them by encouraging them to seek out and use professional assistance, including therapy and medications, and to make behavioral changes.

These things became clear during my marriage. Something else that became clear was that some people will attempt to use their depression to manipulate other people. My ex does this. Other family members and friends don't try to manipulate with their mental and physical ailments. I hate it when people try to manipulate me. So I've learned to give up my desire to be seen as a "nice" person in exchange for resisting my ex's manipulative behavior.

[notrightinthehead]

You know why you separated. He knows why you separated. You have talked and tried and worked on it until you realized that there was nothing else. Of course there are regrets. Losses to grieve.   All the questions have been asked and answered.  You know all that.
Sometimes you feel lonely and that makes you vulnerable for his complaints.  You could prepare a standard reply for such situations - something along the lines,  "Well, I don't think about that anymore. We have done the best we could.  It did not work.  Now I focus on the future and try to make the best of it. "  or  "I try not to worry about the past. I concentrate on now and the future." and you repeat that as many times as you want.

[JustKeepTrying]

You have been given good advice and I want to endorse that.  I also want to say that my OCPDxh used to say he was depressed, had no friends, was so lonely, and on and on.  I have realized now that he uses it as a tool for manipulation - to get the sympathy pass for whatever he wants at the time.  I swear I would see him use this on his boss and then go out to a sports bar to laugh it up with a few buddies and come home and say I have no friends.  Head spinning.  Now could he really be depressed, of course.  Is it your responsibility anymore?  Nope.

[SonofThunder]

Hello PAY,

I believe that each of here on Out of the FOG are compassionate by nature, and that is what makes us excellent targets for PD's.  I will suggest that when your compassionate nature kicks into overdrive, you circle back around to any past journal notes and read your past posts here on Out of the FOG for a reality check that you've probably been here before, and stay motivated toward your continued and full freedom.     

SoT

[Lookin 2 B Free]

 

You sound like you have a lot of insight into your situation, Pay.   After our split and before NC, my PDx had an endless parade of situations, emotional and otherwise,  (often a result of his own doing), which were serious or urgent, or usually both, and where disaster could only be averted by my involvement.  it would always so happen in each particular circumstance that no one else was in a position of possibly helping.   

Occasionally I'd bite, but even if I didn't, it was a mess.  He'd continue to leave msgs with a blow by blow of the fallout, how hopeless he felt, and how awful I was not to help.  I wasn't on this forum yet, but I had figured out by that time that I was being scapegoated and that trying to reason with him or defend myself, and then expect him to come around, was a total waste of breath, so I didn't.   My responses would be just a few words so as not to engage. 

I can't tell you how much I disliked this.  I felt he was always trying to trap me into caretaking him and cleaning up his messes from how he lived his life.    There was more than one reason for me finally going NC, something I never thought I'd be able to do, and this was a big one. 

It's been hard having no contact these past 17 mos, sometimes very hard...I still think of him daily and feel love.  But it has set me on a healing path that could never have been half as fruitful if we'd stayed in touch. 

In my case there are issues that are mine, not his, that played a big part in my staying with him as long as I did and having such a hard time extricating myself.  Now I am able to be off the horrible merry-go-round and work on my stuff with a trauma T.  That is really something to be grateful for.



To be honest, If it weren't for this

[PAY]

Thank you all.  I came on here tonight because my divorce was final today.  I am in shock!  The paperwork was filed by the mediator 2 weeks ago!  Yes, we actually mediated the divorce.  I can't believe it.  *Everyone* said he was not a candidate for mediation.  I credit you all, the uptick in meditation I did, my friends, my therapist and Al-anon.  I went from a nervous/anxious/crying wreck at the first mediation in January to being chill and unmoved by his rages, pleading, sob stories as time went on.
I know my work isn't over.  I know he's not going to give up his supply easily, even though the marriage is officially over according to the court (and my Fb status .  So I'll still be around to get a reality check from all of you.
Thank you!!

[Poison Ivy]

Congratulations, PAY! You've got this.

[SonofThunder]

A huge congratulations to you PAY and a high five ✋ (or 👊 since Covid's still around..) on your planning, self control, and intelligent use of the toolbox and the list of resources you listed to accomplish a mediated divorce with a PD.  I tip my hat to you. 

SoT