Brother wants me to bond with potential wife number 4

[Kaz1956]

Both parents and 3 of 5 siblings are uNPD's, some covert, some overt and some vulnerable NPD. It's made for a lifetime of chaos, toxicity and ultimately a decision to be NC with them. I'm not young so reached the age of 56 before I finally went NC with all but one brother.
My brother is not a PD but has many lifetime issues due to trauma. Three failed marriages and no assets at age 60. His most recent marriage ended almost two years ago. He has a history of choosing divorced women with mental health issues who he 'rescues'. It never works out.
I've supported him through these failed relationships and it's very draining. The last time less than 18 months ago we repeatedly discussed him working through with his T why he keeps choosing emotionally unavailable women like his mother. He was all agreement and said he wouldn't get into another relationship until he had clarity about this.
In July last year, less than six months after his marriage ended he called me all giddy and elated like an adolescent saying he's seeing someone who is perfect and that she's in his life forever etc etc. Imagine my dismay when he gradually reveals that she is Bipolar, does not have custody of he children, lives in social housing and is on welfare. He then sent a picture and she also looks like my uNPDM !  ALL of my alarm bells started ringing.
He then wanted to bring her to stay at my house ( we live 3 hours apart). My reaction was just no way and that this was way too soon. I counselled him to just be cautious and to go slow but I could tell he wasn't getting it.
I finally had to meet his now partner last week at my brothers 60th birthday and my reaction to her was very profound. She is close to the most needy vulnerable person I've ever met and it's completely obvious that this is a trauma connection on both sides. It's very triggering for me as while I don't think she is a PD she looks like my M who I am NC with and her behaviours remind me of my M also. She was determined to be my new best friend and was quite overbearing. Her whole family , think aged mother, siblings and spouses were all there, so clearly in their eyes, she's found her man !
My husband and I stayed in the area for another week camping and my brother and his new partner hijacked our holiday and invited themselves along for 4 nights. I was furious but they'd booked and paid without telling us. I think my B was imagining that this was the perfect time to bond her with us. We managed polite and friendly but my reaction to this situation is complex and I needed time to get some clarity on my reactions.
My brother is clearly in a trauma relationship yet again. My view is that his emotional development with women is arrested at about age 14 when my father died in a plane crash. My uNPDM would have then leant heavily on him. She rushed into another marriage after only a year to a weak dependant kind of a man. They were both miserable but stayed together is a weird enmeshed codependency till he died.
My view is that my B unconsciously is repeating this pattern over and over. If you've been kind enough to read this far my questions are these:
1. My B and I are close but I feel I can't have this woman around me as she really triggers me. Do I share this with him ? For example she told me they were coming to my house for Christmas along with her two sons who I don't know ! What the .....
2. Do I share my insights as to the source of his pattern of picking these kind of women or even just ask him to discuss it with his T ?
3. Do I just stay quiet and watch this unfold ?

I am feeling upset and triggered. I feel threatened that I'll May lose my only functioning family relationship if I say something but at the same time I'm not going to be forever into a relationship that I just don't want. I've had and lost three sisters in law and don't need this drama again.

I know this isn't strictly a PD question but I'm starting to wonder if my B is a PD of some kind, just not a narc like everyone else. It's not that relevant in this case but I'd value people's thoughts on how to handle this. Thank you

[Poison Ivy]

I'm stressed merely by reading this. You have my sympathy. My suggestions are to not share your insights with your brother unless he asks for them (and even then, proceed with caution) and to not allow potential wife number 4 (or anyone else that you're not comfortable with) into your home.

[notrightinthehead]

What a bummer! I too, feel stressed just reading your story and I am so sorry you have to go through this.
I believe that by not being open and honest about our feelings we can be enabling bad or unhealthy behaviour.  You have told your brother that this too much too soon too intense for you. And this is what I would stick with. Only talk about my own feelings. About being uncomfortable with the amount of sisters in law and the speediness with which this relationship between you and the new SIL is supposed to develop.  You need more time. And you have every right to your own feelings. You can ask him to respect that.
Should he ask your opinion about his behaviour and your impression of her,  BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) might be a good strategy. I would not lie, not even a polite lie. But I would not offer any unsolicited opinion or advice either.   

[Kaz1956]

Thanks so much for the feedback. I think I really needed to tell the story in a safe place and I appreciate hearing your perspectives.
My action plan is now to say nothing unless asked but to be honest and use the BIFF strategy when it comes up, and it will I'm sure.
I also think it's fair to have boundaries that protect me. I don't want to be unfair but I think low contact for a while might be my best strategy.
You know one of the aspects of this that makes it hard is that yet again I'm the one with the family that is chaotic, dysfunctional and embarrassing . I see other people with supportive connected families, which I thankfully have with my children spouses and grandchildren. But, it's so lonely being NC with almost all my FOO even if it's the only option and when the only somewhat functional relationship I do have is under threat, I'm finding it tough. The emotions have been shame , anger, sadness, grief and frustration that my B could be so dumb yet again and at his age. I know it's not my circus or my monkey so to speak but I can't help but be affected. I don't want to lapse into self-pity but when your whole FOO is toxic in ways unlike anyone else you know it does make you feel like you drew life's short straw.
I'm also proud that from a very young age, around 10, I could see that my family was toxic and made a decision not to be like them. I know I've been a cycle breaker for my children all of whom are great, balanced and successful people. The toll on me from CPTSD has always been tough and it still is , hence me being so very triggered by what's going on now. I'll get through it as I always do. I have a highly empathetic daughter who is also a PhD Psychologist and she just called me out of the blue to check in. We didn't talk about any of this but her just picking up and calling for a chat was healing. Anyway this is a ramble but thanks for responding to me. I appreciate it so much ❤️❤️

[lkdrymom]

I would say nothing at this point.  I would also make alternative plans for Christmas.  Do not let these people into your home.

[moglow]

Imagine my dismay when he gradually reveals that she is Bipolar, does not have custody of he children, lives in social housing and is on welfare.

So she's dependent and he's getting to rescue her? I am see where that would be a great feeling for a while at least. But the assumptions that they will join you on your trip then her *telling you* they (and her sons, of whom she doesn't have custody and could be indicator of other issues??) are inviting themselves to your house for Christmas? Rather bold and pushy statements to make.

Your family may want to do things very differently, like travel *alone!* for one thing. "We haven't decided what we're doing for holidays this year" may need to be your mantra for a while. You don't *have to* have guests at all, can choose a quiet holiday or maybe just meet for a meal nearby. Besides - it's March! There's plenty of time for that to unfold (or not).

None of that would endear me to the situation, and his rather sudden "she's all I ever wanted" doesn't help. I'm guessing that isnt entirely new to you, given his three failed marriages so far and fairly recent divorce. I'm not throwing rocks - just thinking that at this point in life perhaps more caution is called for. Some hesitancy. Some "let's take our time and enjoy the ride."

It sounds like your brother may have issues being alone, that he may be rather dependent himself. If may, what's *his* living situation? Is he looking for a place to go, or is she? All rhetorical questions but things to consider. 

Me? I'd wait it out, commit to nothing while the dust settles a bit. Shoving her/herself at you won't further a relationship. That might throw up even more roadblocks for me.