Walking on Eggshells

[Doore]

Hi all,

Any tips on what boundaries I need to put in place to avoid placating and walking on eggshells? once I re establish a relationship with my sister I never want to let her have an opportunity to do what she's been doing.

More background on my situation: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=94129.0

[moglow]

Hey Doore! I'm ya huckleberry, will gladly share what I see here ...

First off, boundaries are YOURS. They're not to control another person. They're not rules for the other person to follow, as has been handed to you by your sister to obey or fear the wrath. [Lord have mercy what a neverending and incredibly flexible (for her personal benefit only) list she provides. All those twists and turns you must somehow keep up with ...] They are for YOU: We have x behavior that makes me feel y, so when it appears I will z. NOT make demands of or rage at the other person, but step up in protectiveness for ourselves. Do I need to change the subject, take a break, leave the room, end the conversation? Again, you're not responsible for their reaction [we know there will be one when you change the script], you're responsible for YOU. Maybe boundaries need to be something like: Refuse to justify, argue, defend explain [JADE]. I am who I am and I feel how I feel, but I ask the same courtesies for myself that I do of others. She can't do that? Okay then, that's on her

Contrary to what she seems to believe, you're not responsible for anyone's feelings but your own. We all can and do every day, gauge our words. Rethink our delivery. We consider our audience and perhaps the environment of the moment. She's dictating the terms and delivery of the most basic conversation with you, as if you're to enter into and process from her brain. Being mandated to tippy toe over eggshells as she presents, comes across as more of eggshells combined with shattered glass fragments over a minefield. There's no way to cross over without harm and there will always be something if she so chooses, in other words.

This IS emotional abuse. It's a hostage situation from which there's no escape. It sounds like she's very much in need of a highly competent therapist plus possibly mood stabilizers. Whatever she may or may not be doing for herself doesn't appear to be working so perhaps she might consider some changes - not for YOU to fix for her, but for her to seek out and carry through for herself.

How's that for a start?

[Cat of the Canals]

There's a book aptly called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that I think you'd probably find helpful. There's another called "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist," also very helpful. Both books do a good job of breaking down the various games PDs play and how you can avoid getting sucked into them over and over again.

It sounds like your sister is a particular master of the "damned if you do/damned if you don't" game. Here you are tying yourself in knots trying to give her the exact "right" response when she's having a meltdown, and wouldn't you know it, somehow you always get it wrong. That's not an accident. She designed the game to be this way. It's a way of keeping you on the hook indefinitely and always asking what MORE you can do to satisfy her needs.