Medical hoover hot off the press

[candy]

After nearly a year of the IL's giving us a prolonged ST (which turned into NC for me and DD and VLC for DH), they are back with a bang... of course they are

DH received a text message from uNPDEnFIL saying DH should call NPDMIL because there was an EMERGENCY - just to clarify: I am using caps lock and bold as a quote from FIL.
DH sighed and said he's been waiting for something like this all along.

We agreed that if there really was a medical emergency, FIL would and should call - 911 first, then DH - and we expect the usual MIL-centered drama to come our way. It'll probably be a minor health issue blown up to an emergency out of all proportion, and DH is expected to regress into the caretaker role dutifully taking care of and responsibility for NPDMIL's every various little complaint.

DH and I briefly discussed how he'd handle the situation, what he is willing to do or not. Pat on our back: we've learned quite something during T and managed this part nicely as a team 

DH is on the phone right now, it is late at night. I don't know what is happening but I am already angry. Today is an important anniversary for DH and me. Of course, the IL's know that. DH already missed his part of DD's bedtime routine over this hoover. Please, let me keep my cool?!

[Andeza]

So obviously first and foremost if it is a legit emergency there's not much your DH can do. So yes, 911 is the right answer.

If your MIL is at all like my M, this may be as simple as a spat of bad high blood pressure, because M is in the habit of going to the ER instead of calling her doctor... yeah I don't know either.

It sounds like you both have your eyes wide open to the typical bad behavior, which is great. I mostly just want to say don't let them steal your peace. This is going to sound mean, but they're not worth it. If your kiddo is off to bed, I recommend taking a nice, hot bath to relax. Maybe listen to or watch something particularly relaxing. Limit your after action report (aka the discussion of the bad behavior post phone call) to X amount of time that you are both comfortable with, and try not to let it interrupt any plans you already had.

Don't worry, when your DH "malfunctions," I'm sure you'll be back in the ST soon.

[bloomie]

I hope this finds you having a wonderful day and celebrating your anniversary today Candy. 

We have also experienced medical emergency hoovers at important moments in our own lives. The timing of many of these types of things is hard to ignore when it coincides with our special days more often than not.

Early on, not knowing we were being played and in the FOG we took the calls and responded and set aside our lives for these types of histrionic, manipulative, attention seeking emergencies. 

In my in law family even mild medical issues are the mother lode and can are exaggerated and can be parlayed into a full access ticket to the lives, time, attention of others.

What makes it really frustrating is when an actual emergency or serious/terminal illness is reported it is hard to believe them and trust them.

It sounds like you and your DH are working through this in unity and there is nothing better than that.

[candy]

Thank you both very much for your replies!

Andeza, we did exactly what you suggested and cut the after action report very short.
You really made my day with your comment about DH's ,,malfunction". DH did wonderful - and by that I mean he was malfunctioning towards his parents' requests at his very best. When the emergency fizzled out to be the minor medical issue we were expecting all along, DH even told his M he wasn't interested in further updates on how things would turn out.

Bloomie, it sounds like you are describing my IL's. At first I've been uncertain if my anger was unfair, perhaps, but no, it was the same old. Like a deja-vue.

The EMERGENCY is basically her having symptoms due to her refusing to take her prescriptions 

Mild and moderate symptoms, like you wrote it very well, exaggerated to get access to our time and lives.

MIL's symptoms evolve just prior to SIL heading towards the due date of her first child. MIL generously offered her help but won't be able to actually do anything because she has this medical issue. Oh, poor SIL, she doesn't know about it yet, but MIL is going to sit on SIL's couch and demand the newborn to be handed over. Because this is the only thing that works with MIL's health issues... oh, hey, SIL may serve some coffee and biscuits, that works with MIL's health too. It is ridiculous.

The other time that same ,,emergency" happened was when our DD was born. What a coincidence.

It is shocking but no surprise to me that after nearly a year of no shown interest in DH or their only grandchild or me, they expect DH to slip into his childhood role of taking care of mom. Because figuratively speaking she has some farts bothering her?! They are so very self-centered, they just forgot they've discarded DH and his FOC.

I calmed myself down and felt glad it wasn't going to be us providing attention to MIL, the queen of secondary morbid gain, this time. And DH and me managed to enjoy our anniversary the other day! Thank you again!

[bloomie]

MIL, the queen of secondary morbid gain

And I now have a new name for my own mil thank you very much and cannot stop laughing between that and this...

they expect DH to slip into his childhood role of taking care of mom. Because figuratively speaking she has some farts bothering her?!

I know it is not actually funny, but it is actually the kind of thing that can be blown up into a major medical hoover.

So thankful you cut the after action report short and are moving on!!

[Nomoreblind]

Hi Candy,

Your husband seems to have sorted out the "computer bug" also know as attention seeking Mil alright.  I am so glad for you.  It seems that when their children go through major life changes, such as arrival of a new born, the Mil's hard disks go into over drive.  Funny enough your story of the Mil's health giving her access to sit on the couch and demand the baby in arms with coffee and biscuits, DO WE HAVE THE SAME MIL?  I could still see mine doing it, demanding her time with DD on my couch while I stuck a smile on my face, fuming inside, when all I wanted to do was sleep on that couch after a sleepless night of baby feeding/crying. 3 years down the road, MIL has never changed a dirty nappy for DD, made a bottle of milk or ironed clothes for her.  With newborns, that's what FAMILY should do when visiting, not demand a free attention seeking pass. That is what new parents need, help, real one, not free criticism "advice".  I feel sorry for your SIL too.

Oh, the drama in my Mil's  life at the time DD was born, where she needed my H as therapist was her sister who lived 10 minutes' drive away from her, whom she has not spoken with for 25 years has died. She went to the funeral though, and felt she was put aside, as her brother has organised it, made a speech and inherited a bit of the dead sister's money.  Of course it was her brother's fault her relationship with her sister was bad, the brother lives 3 hours' drive away from the dead sister and her 10 minutes away.  It is her brother who is responsible for her not going to talk to her sister.  No being sad her sister is dead, no remorse about this silence treatment just blame shifting. So typical.  Also note that her relationship with the said brother is quite tense, because of his wife.  Well the wife does not take her non sense and makes (hurtful) jokes  just like she does with me.  Maybe a bit too similar to her... I wonder. I never made an effort to meet these people when MIL tried to show off her perfect family.  Not my circus.

I think that now the loving "malfunction" has pushed your H to the edge so much, he probably realises this is crazy.  Mine seems to be going down that path now.  He simply feels he does not want to sacrifice our FOC.  I am almost NC between visits.  He speaks with her 3 times a week or so.  But we are in different countries now.

[Unvitation to Drama]

Medical Emergency? Call a medical professional (e.g. doctor, office nurse, pharmacist, psychiatrist, et cetera)

Legal Emergency? Call a lawyer.

Theft? Call the police.

Financial Emergency? Call a banker or financial planner?

Tall Weeds in Front Yard? Call a landscaper.

Leaky Pipe? Call a plumber.

My standard quote in this situation: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that you're having (Insert Crisis). I would suggest calling (Insert Trained Professional)."

If they continue to push: "Since I'm not a doctor, lawyer, plumber, electrician, et cetera; I'm unable to offer advice. I would suggest calling a doctor, lawyer, plumber, electrician, et cetera."

And, the best thing I've even done when dealing with my in-laws was to call 911 and send the sheriff/ambulance for a "well check." I called their bluff, and we haven't had a "Medical Emergency Crisis" in almost four years.

[guitarman]

This all sounds very familiar to me.

I have an uBPD/NPD sister. She is a total waif.

I call for an ambulance now when she thinks she can't breathe. It's the responsible thing to do. The last time I did that she wanted to talk to the controller on the phone. I handed it over and my sister told the operator that I have a habit of calling for ambulances! Well I call them if she can't breathe or threatens suicide. So yes I do have a habit of calling them.

Surprise surprise she's not threatened anything again as she knows I will follow through and call for the appropriate emergency medical back up.

She's always moaning about her health issues. She seems to have a new one each month. The latest is that she thinks she has heart failure and only half her heart is working! She says she needs a heart operation and fears she only has a year to live.

Keep calm no matter what happens.

guitarman X