might have BPD - want to help my kids

[minerva]

Hi, im 35. I have two kids, 13 and 15. I had them too young and got married too young. I was neglected and abused as a child. I have always suspected that BPD was my problem but had a hard time accepting it and no access to health care for most of my life. Now that I am older, and with age have been able to control my emotions slightly better, I am able to learn about BPD without completely losing myself in guilt and shame...but just barely. I hate the way I act and the ways it has affected my kids. Mainly, I am here to find support in how I can be a better parent and not pass this way of life down to my children. I am absolutely positive my mother has BPD as well. I tried so hard to not become like her but at every stage in life I feel compelled to make the same mistakes she did and don't become fully aware of it until it is too late.

I am also getting remarried in a few weeks and that has raised a lot of issues in my heart as well. 

[bloomie]

Hi minerva and welcome to Out of the FOG. It is admirable to reach out and want to find new ways of living and coping with your challenges and be the best version of yourself you possibly can for you and your family. I applaud you doing that.

Take a look around the forum resources at the tabs above and get a sense of what it is we do here. The toolbox and glossary are a wealth of information and strategies for our lives.

[Penny Lane]

Hi minerva and welcome.

I want to congratulate you for taking that first step and reaching out. I think it's so great that you want to move forward in your healing - both for you and for your whole family.

I just want to let you know that Out of the FOG is a community dedicated to offering support and information to people who have a loved one or family member who suffers from a personality disorder. Because of this you may find some of the posts triggering. You are certainly welcome to continue to post here as long as the discussion still revolves around dealing with the loved ones in your life with a PD (like your mother) rather than on your own recovery from a PD.

I would also encourage you to read up on fleas. This is basically habits or relationship patterns that we learned from being around a person with a personality disorder. In other words, even if you don't have a diagnosable personality disorder you still could have picked up BPD-type behaviors from your mother.

If you are interested in finding a supporting community specifically for those working on recovering from BPD then I would encourage you to look at these sites:

http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/
https://www.facebook.com/BPDRecovery
http://www.bpdrecovery.com/       * information only as site forum is not active in 2015

I hope you have access to health care now and can find a counselor who can help you do some of the hard work that is likely ahead of you.

We wish you the best on your healing journey.

[minerva]

I had never heard of fleas until coming here. I could never make sense of why I do things like my mother in some situations but overall feel so different and confused by her. For one thing my mother would NEVER care to find out how her behaviors could have affected me and if I try to tell her is results in a pity party for her and a "how dare you" dressing down for me. Her favorite expression is what kind of person would - insert something I am considering doing. I don't know, Mom, what kind? I am very careful to not guilt trip my kids, make sure they don't need to care for my basic needs, encourage outside relationships. but one thing I can't seem to avoid is being very contradictory. I hate things one minute and love them the next. Not my kids or the people in my life, but I don't know my self in a consistent way. I do know I tell my kids I love them so much,  but all tell them I need time alone too.

I am always afraid and am hyper vigilant for the other shoe to fall but I refuse to read peoples minds and tell them what they are thinking. I can be needy and HATE being alone but I don't make threats or manipulate people if I have to be. I just listen to audio books and take baths until they are available again.

those differences in mine in my mothers behavior...could it be fleas? or am I just better at coping with the illness than she is?

[Penny Lane]

Obviously we can't diagnose you from afar but that sounds a lot like fleas to me.

It sounds like your mom didn't teach you some emotional skills that would be useful to you now. To me that is fleas! But like I said I think a counselor could help you understand the difference and, hopefully, work with you on changing those thought and behavior patterns. It can be so hard to unlearn behavior that we picked up in childhood.

I think you are in the right place and I hope it will help you to see that you're not alone.

[scapegoatnumerouno]

Im just wishing you the best of luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[treesgrowslowly]

Welcome!

I agree that learning about fleas can help a lot. We spend hundreds of hours with our caregivers at a time when our brain is being built. Fleas are ways that we may have adapted...by adopting behaviours we learned. And the starting point from where that began can be far back into childhood if we are raised by a PD parent (as I was). I had a long period of not really knowing how much of a behaviour was "mine" and how much of it was a flea. It takes time, but if you can work with yourself it can become much easier to see when it is a flea.

If you google around about BPD and Complex PTSD you will see that some of the symptoms are the same in both. A lot of websites talks about how not all health care professionals are well versed in C-PTSD (some practicing health care providers may know very little about BPD or C-PTSD and the difference between C-PTSD and PTSD).

Trees

[theonetoblame]

Welcome Minerva!
If you do 'have' BPD you are very insightful and self aware which bodes well for your prognosis.
As mentioned above, BPD like behavior can emerge with cPTSD. I've also read that BPD like behavior can emerge in healthy people during times of emotional crisis. Then there's the reality that personality disorders exist on a spectrum and many, if no all, of us show some PD behaviors at different points in our lives. It only becomes a diagnosis when it starts to cause us or the others around us harm.

I've met and worked with a number of people with BPD, very few of them have clear insights into their behavior such as the ones you have shared above.

I can say for certain there has been times in my life when I've been in an emotional crisis and started showing BPD symptoms. I never met the full criteria, and it was likely the influence of the cPTSD events of my past. It can be very, very confusing and for me has often led to a process I came to call "morbid introspection" -- I put up a thread in the Working on Us section about this.

Good luck with your journey! You look to be on a good path.