Why do I still want to talk about them?

[Call Me Cordelia]

It's been years since I've heard a peep from any of them. A couple of the people I still tell stories about on here have since died.

But I still find a lot of comfort in just sharing the crazy stuff from the past on here, receiving whatever validation I get from that? I don't know. I still "should" myself that I should just move on and forget about all of that already. What good does it do to dwell on the past you have a good life now. I could be normal if I just stopped thinking about my CPTSD etc. etc. etc.

Do any of you get this way? Feel guilt and shame for participating on Out of the FOG and not "letting things go"?

[moglow]

Preach! I don't feel as much guilt and shame as I used to, more of regret that I spent so many years mired deep in it. I say the same shoulds to myself at times but you know what? Remembering keeps us from becoming what damaged us so badly. The validation and others' horror provides that "oh HELL no, I cannot allow that to happen again!" gut punch. Our reality is we lived all that for many years, with little to no comfort found anywhere. We just staggered through until the next time, regrouped then it whipped back around again. Being able to find validation here, reassurance that we really aren't alone.

There was a therapist several years back whose first comment after me downloading a shitton of stuff was, "You should and ought yourself a lot. Did you know that? Where are you getting those messages - probably from the very person/people who installed a lot of their own malware in you."

Just thoughts from the edge this morning.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm going to turn it round for a moment.

I lost my dogs some years ago. My husband and I talk about them daily. In some ways it feels like they are still here. At first it was very raw and I cried all the time. Now I cry rarely, although I can be caught unawares. They still enrich my life. So, I guess, few people would tell me to move on from keeping them in my life, although some undoubtedly would.

Although my dogs still enrich my life, I think (though I have not yet discussed this with my therapist, and thank you for your post which has prompted me to think about it) I have also not got over their passing. I have not fully grieved them yet. I expect when I have they will gracefully slide into the background and become an occasional memory rather than a daily part of my life.

It sounds to me as though you are not at a stage where you can move on and forget. There is no shame in that. There is of course unpleasantness that you could probably do without as you think about and discuss your PDs. Eventually I hope they will slide into the background and then become of no interest to you. In the meantime I think your time is well spent discussing them as much as you need to while you slowly work out what needs to be processed so you can finally get rid of them.

And yes, I sometimes feel bad that I can't just move on. In my case I am still in contact, but I give them far too much headspace even so.

[Boat Babe]

I am coming to a point of acceptance of a lot of stuff in my life. Not resignation and not surrender, which are passive and moribund and do not allow for growth. Acceptance allows for my agency to come to terms with what happened (not just my childhood but all the painful stuff I have experienced). Fighting it/repressing it isn't good for me. Accepting that it happened and coming to terms with it and working to heal from it are all active and positive choices that promote well being. And I am coming to accept that till my mother dies, she will drive me fucking crazy and I will need to vent to a few amazing friends who get it and to the lovely people here. So yes Cordelia, you are not alone. Hugs.

[moglow]

  Very well said!

[escapingman]

The validation is priceless. I have a friend who grew up with a mum a carbon copy of my uNPDxw, telling her stories and getting the validation and advice is doing so much good. We need people who gets us.

Keep sharing, it helps.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Our reality is we lived all that for many years, with little to no comfort found anywhere. We just staggered through...

I think this is a big part of it. I need to be comforted. And you are right, "letting go," was code for sweep it under the rug, nothing to see here, everything is fine. Totally my mother's expectation on me. She would be frustrated with me that I would "cling to my anger," even right after my father had abused me. Sure, I want to be fine but I am not about to just fake it. That's the "perfectly healed" Barbie smile trauma response again.

I remember reading (Pete Walker? Toxic Parents?) that it takes an average of three solid years of therapy for the client to "graduate," and not need clinical support in healing from childhood trauma. Extend that timeline when therapy cannot be regular for whatever reason. As great as my life is...    it hasn't been easy to get regular therapy between moving and taking breaks for having babies and just having the space to deal with childhood stuff in any kind of a focused way. Therapy is great and all but I find it takes energy that I need to be present in my present life. So I had the necessary kickstart with EMDR, and now I'm dealing with things as they come up through life triggers and Out of the FOG. Guess it's a bit slower, but that's what I can do. Thanks for being part of it all, folks.

[Cat of the Canals]

I need to be comforted. And you are right, "letting go," was code for sweep it under the rug, nothing to see here, everything is fine. Totally my mother's expectation on me. She would be frustrated with me that I would "cling to my anger," even right after my father had abused me. Sure, I want to be fine but I am not about to just fake it. That's the "perfectly healed" Barbie smile trauma response again.

Wow. Yes to your original question about feeling guilt for not being "over it," and yes to this being why it feels so cathartic and so necessary to NOT just "get over it."

I think there's also something in the contradiction of having parents like ours -- the ones who put on a good show for society but take the mask off at home -- that is endlessly frustrating. I will never understand how my mother can have certain scruples and values and rules of behavior with everyone else, and then completely abandon them once she's alone with her family. Why would she save the worst of herself for those closest to her? I know the textbook "why" but not the "why" that exists in her head. How does she justify it? I will puzzle over it until the day I die, I think, because there is no answer that will ever satisfy me.

[Hopeful Spine]

Do any of you get this way? Feel guilt and shame for participating on Out of the FOG and not "letting things go"?

Yes.  Often.  My shame is how I used to live.  The garbage I put up with.  The injustices I allowed.  The memories.  I like to imagine how I'd handle those same situations today but of course I'll never be able to relive them - they are in the past.  Over. 

These days, when I deal with certain people, I feel weak or transported back to my old self.  I still don't handle the new situations as well as I'd like.  So I find myself thinking shamefully of the past.  Feeling frustrated with how I deal with the recent past.  This place is really the only place I can be honest with myself.  I don't have enough safe people in my real life so I am here.

I know how very lucky I am.  I know how hard I've worked.  I know what I've been through and what I need to release.  It just still hurts.

[Pepin]

I definitely do feel a lot of shame about my healing timeline.  And I know as a longtime member here I have repeated myself numerous times or lasered in on something that I now realize other members are unable to relate to.  I have had to cut myself some slack...because my journey to date has been "crazy".  There were many things from my youth that I believed were normal...until I finally had some breathing room (and therapy) as a young adult to reflect.  And yes, I did make more mistakes, thinking that I was choosing better but in reality, some of those choices were still bad.  Now I know.  *sigh*

I can solidly say that I have healed from and hardly think about my NF.  I've been many years NC with him with lots of various therapy modalities under my belt.  I'm an adult, a wife and a mother - therefore I don't dwell on the fact that I was once only a daughter.  And I've done plenty of grieving around everything I endured and all that I did not have. 

My shift happened years ago when I realized what I was up against with DH's mother.  Here (Phase 2 of my life) I was caught in a hard place again...and straddling all my new roles.  While I was a DIL, I was treated more like just an in-law without the "daughter" aspect of it.  My existence meant very little to my MIL...and DH wasn't really wanting to address this dynamic because he was happy with the additional attention from his mother. 

Even though my MIL has been gone for well over a year, even though she is no longer physically around, I am still struggling to get her out of my head.  It doesn't help when DH brings up memories of her...and I'm doing my best to be as neutral as possible.  I just couldn't get away from her....she was a part of our lives literally every week for about 25 years.  I felt that DH and I were suffocated in our marriage with her constant presence.  We weren't able to grow the way healthy couples do.  I don't know how long it is going to take to purge her from my mind....but I am working on it.  Since DH technically betrayed me, now I am trying to come to terms with what to do during this 3rd Phase of my life that will require additional and a different kind of healing.  And I think this is why it might take longer to let CN MIL go than my own father because it will depend on DH's behavior as he moves further from the death of his mother and has any revelations about it....  One thing is for sure, I will not talk about her to anyone outside of this site.  But I finally told one of my siblings...they had no idea how awful my marriage was because of CN MIL. 

I certainly hope that by the time I get to the 3rd anniversary of her death (2025) that I will be in a much better place.  I also know that if we can finally up and move out of the area, that a new surrounding would help immensely.  I'm tired of all these reminders.

[bloomie]

Cordelia - At the beginning of my recovery work and first coming here to Out of the FOG I was nearly derailed with self doubt and, what I now know to be, false guilt for calling it like it was in my FOO and in law family. But... here, I found a place where others not only understood, but believed me, comforted me, and walked with me.

I love coming here and having time with all of you fellow travelers. If I were still stuck and in freeze mode, or endlessly repeating myself, I would hope that here, in this community someone would give me a kick in the pants and a reality check.

Because, you are right, we can all lose perspective and begin to spin on a particular something that, I have found, is usually a symptom of something bigger and harder underneath.

Needing comfort, peer support, needing to reiterate makes perfect sense to me because the kind of complex, atmospheric trauma we experienced before we had a single defense mechanism just may take a life time to completely sort through. And that is perfectly okay. Progress! We make progress together.

The other thing I wanted to point out is that every single person who has responded on this thread, and across the boards, has enriched my life. Each one of you has weighed in, encouraged, shared your journey and expressed what I didn't have words to express.

We come here because we belong here and also because we lift each other up and sometimes are an integral part of moving to the next level of healing. And there are some things, no matter how much others may care about us, or how good a T is, it is most productive to share those things with those who have lived similar experiences.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

Thank you, everyone!

[1footouttadefog]

I find that as I continue to work toward and build my new life, the past stuff does not play as big a role. 

I still live with my pdH but my role has changed.  I am creating my own life within this one.  I am his caretaker, and no longer see myself as a spouse.  I am his guardian and he my legal ward. 

I now have two roles, one caretaker the other building my life.