Christmas memories

[Ziggy52]

I have been NC with both of my parents for 7+ years. That last Christmas before NC was...terrible (an understatement). Because I hadn't called my mother soon enough on Christmas day, my father showed up at my home, angrily demanding to know why I was ruining everything. (The events leading up to it were complex and many, over years.) That Christmas, I realized I was done. I never "officially" told them we were NC, because based on the continual animosity towards me over nothing, trying to have a conversation that would require that level of acceptance, was asking for war. If we could have had an even remotely civil conversation, frankly, I wouldn't be NC. But every past conversation showed me that wasn't possible. My needs were obsolete in that relationship.

Anyway, over the years, things calmed down.

That's why this is so very frustrating. The pain of everything my parents have done, had started to fade. I actually started to feel sorry for them.

There'd been nothing from them for over a year.

They sent a holiday card a few days ago. It was the first time, literally in years, that I didn't feel sick and shaky when I saw something in the mail from them. I opened it. But the message inside was...wrong. It implied that all they'd ever done was love me, specifically, every Christmas. For a few hours, I felt depressed. Then angry. Then calm again. Nope. Not ready to be in contact, likely never. I'm okay with that.

Today, another card arrived, from another family member. Someone who had tried repeatedly to break up DH and I. I have also cut contact with them. The card was addressed to DH and our kids, specifically excluding me. Instant anger. Depression. Anger. And then, same feelings over my parent's card, all over again. Back and forth, memories flooding back. None of them good. Intense anger.

For some reason, suddenly what I'm really, really struggling with, is the lack of acknowledgement of any responsibility, whatsoever, on any of their parts. It isn't a surprise, because it's been the norm for decades.

I know they aren't capable of taking responsibility. I've known for years. But for some reason, today, again, the frustration of it all overwhelms me. I'm so tired. Tired of being told how bad I am. Tired of people getting away with it.

The process of writing this post, knowing the people who read it understand, has calmed me down some.

I feel angry, depressed, and voiceless, all over again. I love Christmas. I hate this.

[TrueRefuge]

I don't have much to say, and I get the sense that's okay, as you're just expressing yourself, not looking for any outcome.

But I read it, and I totally understand. Your feelings are valid. Christmas is a really hard time - it's meant to all be about family and traditions and nostalgia. For us, it's very complicated, and not just "So and so didn't get me the present I wanted" or "Mum didn't cook sprouts the way I like". So, please just be kind to yourself and try and let these contacts wash over you; not unaffected, but just in an accepting way. It's okay to be angry and sad and happy and whatever else you want to feel.

Merry Christmas to you.

[Hepatica]

Dear Ziggy,

Reading your post as I wait for my trifle to set and ... big sigh, how I relate to it. Something about big holidays and PD's that combine to bring out the worst in the PD behaviour. It hurts my heart that your parents used shame and punishment to try to bring you "in line" to what they decide is proper Christmas protocol. These people have severely limited skills and worst of all they think they're always right, esp. when they've got the bravado of holiday ideal to - they think - get away with sh*tty treatment of the people they claim they love.

One of the wake up times for me was a few years ago when my mother was in hospital, very ill, nearly died, and I had been going there every single evening to sit with her for over a month. (She was in there for six months in the end.) Anyway... I went in on Christmas Eve, sat with her until she fell asleep, played her Elvis songs, which she loved and when she fell asleep, went home. The following day a massive blizzard hit. It was serious white outs and snow drifts over the roads. I didn't live far but I did not want to go out in it. I wanted to be with my family of choice and be snuggly inside and have a day off of seeing my mother. So I didn't go in. Afterwards I got to witness my father's pathetic behaviour that told me he had barely evolved beyond a kid in being able to manage his disappointment. Sure, he was disappointed but like you say, he was unable to see my needs. My needs were obsolete. My mother doesn't even remember anything. She was so out of it during that time that she has no idea I wasn't there on Christmas day, but my father continued his sneering, his running out of the hospital room when I arrived, and his hateful, pouting expressions toward me. He was livid that I didn't go on Christmas day and he wouldn't let it go. This went on for a year. He had decided he hated me after that. All of the days I'd gone to the hospital, which was every single day for a few hours, were obliterated because I took Christmas day off. Writing it down helps because I still feel angry when I recall it.

As for the person that didn't include you in their card to your family, that's shocking, petty, pathetic behaviour that makes me so angry for you.

I know why you're feeling angry and bad. That is what they want you to feel. And underneath the anger and bad feelings is what is really there which is immense grief. All the questions of why do people do this come up, because it doesn't need to be this way. The only way to deal with it is to keep it at bay and tend to those hurting parts that have flared up again.

You're not bad. You've been treated badly though by people who think doing this to others is okay. It's not ok.

I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from someone out there who understands your sadness about this. I hope this Christmas gives you a sense of peace knowing you've given yourself the gift of distance from people like this and that these two cards sent to you were little arrows that can act as good reminders that you've made the best decision you can to heal yourself.

Be gentle with yourself today. Merry Christmas!

[BettyGray]

/That Christmas, I realized I was done. I never “officially” told them we were NC, because based on the continual animosity towards me over nothing, trying to have a conversation that would require that level of acceptance, was asking for war.

This is just brilliant. “Asking for war” is so appropriate a way to describe the feeling of pointlessness of any confrontation.

Make no mistake- they WANT war. They’re ready with catapults of guilt and quivers full of denial arrows. All you have to do is engage. Luckily you know better.
Actually, the book “The Art of War” by Sun Tzu, is full of methods similar to those used by PDs.

The other part that makes me angry —even just reading this — is that it seems intentionally timed for Christmas. If they can’t have a nice Christmas, neither can you. So there!

My NC (5 years this week)  happened at Christmastime too. It’s still a bittersweet time of year but making my own, new traditions with my FOC softens the blow.
Rituals are very important. Whether decorating a tree with ornaments that carry good memories, driving around to see lights/decorations, or baking cookies - these are the part ms of Christmas we can reclaim and they cannot touch.

The anger you feel is what they want you to feel. It’s perfectly normal and justified to feel angry, but it’s still intentional, passive aggressive manipulation by them. If you are angry or provoked, you are vulnerable prey. It could lead you into a trap of responding out of defense of yourself. Be verrrrry careful.

Venting and reading posts here is always good for me. Always. It’s essential self-care this time of year. It’s the only place I feel safe and welcome to express feelings about FOO/Christmas.

You got this. Now go do something nice for just YOU. After all, you deserve it, even if they want you to believe otherwise.

[Ziggy52]

To everyone, I hope the holidays have been peaceful for you.

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words, TrueRefuge, Hepatica, and Liz. Each of your replies has helped me with sorting through my reaction to these recent jabs. Thanks for sharing your experience and insight. I'm sorry for what you have had to go through to get it.

I've been in therapy for years, but took a break the past year, because there's been so little to discuss.

TrueRefuge, thank you so much for your quick response, validation and kindness.

Hepatica, I am so sorry your dad treated you that way! Your insight made me teary. Releasing my feelings that way really helped. Thank you!

Liz, thank you for reminding me I'm strong and capable!

Going NC was difficult, but the amount of anger and mind games aimed at me made it an obvious step in self-preservation. The cards are relatively gentle reminders that nothing has changed for them, but has for me, for the better!