The (Not So) Gentle Reminder

Psuedonym · March 03, 2019, 12:48:03 PM

Hi all,

So in accordance with all your good advice, Very Brave Boyfriend (VBBF) has been cutting back on contact with uBPD/N M and has been sparing in his call backs. He *had (*I know had is subjective and ultimately he did not absolutely life or death have to) call her back about a medical/insurance paperwork SNAFU today and boy was it a winner. Some choice moments of the conversation as relayed to me:

M: Put Psuedonym on the phone!
VBBF: Absolutely not.
M: ARE YOU AFRAID OF HER?
VBBF: Nope, I'm looking out for her mental health.
M: I'm sitting here feeling sick (again) and I have nobody to talk to because my friend X is also not feeling well so WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK TO!!
VBBF: .....
M: I don't understand why she won't talk to me!! And DON'T BRING UP THAT LETTER! If she had a problem she should have told me at the time and not dump all that on me at once.
VBBF: Well she tried to tell you many things over the years but any time she would bring up anything you found critical you would (intends to say 'cut her off and change the subject)
M: (cuts him off and changes the subject)
VBBF: Well if it were my daughter I would do what ever it takes to fix this.
M: I DID NOTHING WRONG! I'M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE!
VBBF: We should probably just not talk about this subject.

Luckily VVBF has no emotional stake in this game and can shake it off immediately. I find that she has a remarkable knack for pulling these tantrums right when i' starting to doubt how awful she is and maybe feeling a little sorry for her. I sort of feel like him talking to her is a safe stand if for what would happen if I caved and actually called her. It functions as a great reminder of why I'm NC (or perhaps VLC by proxy). Any doubts I had have been erased once again.

Anyone out there with similar experiences? Thanks as always for your wisdom.

Starboard Song · March 04, 2019, 08:24:51 AM

Yes! I am the VBH, the Very Brave Husband, in our household. We at last had to go NC when my in-laws repeatedly told us they wanted to not have any relationship with us, and couldn't refrain from abusive writings. If it weren't for my then 11yo DS, that would have been the end of it.

My natural stance is to always engage with anybody and everybody. I have an engineering brain that cannot accept that facts don't work. I was raised by two of the finest people on this earth. My wife's natural stance is to cut out offenders: she was raised in a prickly home and has fleas to prove it.

Since we went NC, I've become family spokesperson. They are told they can call me any time on my mobile, and -- in consequence -- I've held conference with my FIL a couple times. My wife knows that I will be extremely coolheaded and deliberate. She knows I am blessed in this way: everyone treats me with courtesy --- even deference. Even the meanest, toughest people show me great kindness, and I have no idea why this happens. But she knows that if I cannot make headway then headway cannot be made: if I am mistreated then nobody is safe.

So I've had those conversations, from which I can recover, and she has been spared the emotional trauma of an incoherent parent declaring their hate.

Your VBBF sounds like a true gift. I particularly like his line, that "if this were my daughter, I'd do whatever it takes to fix this." That is a real truth-to-power line, that I like to believe has worked somewhere where it was tried. He's giving you space to heal and grow and forgive. I don't mean forgive so you can go back to how things were. I mean forgive so that your heart can be as filled with compassion as your head is with the wisdom of self-preservation.

Go be strong and good, and give that VBBF a hug.

Psuedonym · March 04, 2019, 11:56:20 AM

Aw thanks, Starboard Song. There is a special place in heaven for the VBHs and VBBs of the world!

practical · March 04, 2019, 02:00:30 PM

Yikes! She really just sees you as supply, a vending machine that spits out chocolates, ice-cream, popcorn - whatever she wants at that moment and best thing in her mind: she doesn't seem to think she has to feed the machine with money/love, it is all for free, she is entitled to your service.

F had this "gift" too

. I would start to feel soft because he had behaved okay for his standard, so my thinking would turn to "He is old, he had it hard, what does it cost me to listen to him? Do what he wants?" etc., and like clock work he would say something, do something that made me retreat into my shell like a race snail and batten down the hatches on the way.

These proxy reminders through your VBBF can be really helpful till you have totally settled into NC, into your new boundaries. Otherwise rereading old posts here or journal entries when you feel yourself going soft might help you, it has been a reliable reality check for me.

Starboard Song · March 04, 2019, 02:01:45 PM

Quote from: practical on March 04, 2019, 02:00:30 PM
Rereading old posts here or journal entries when you feel yourself going soft might help you, it has been a reliable reality check for me.

Spot on.

Psuedonym · March 04, 2019, 05:37:48 PM

This is great, practical,

Yikes! She really just sees you as supply, a vending machine that spits out chocolates, ice-cream, popcorn - whatever she wants at that moment and best thing in her mind: she doesn't seem to think she has to feed the machine with money/love, it is all for free, she is entitled to your service.

It's validating to hear someone say how weird that is...it's one of those things that seems normal when you grow up with a PD parent and only when somebody else points out its dysfunctionalness (I made a word!) does it become apparent. Of course in her mind she did nice things for me as a kid so now i owe her forever and ever regardless of her behavior.

Going back and reading old posts is a great idea and race snail is now my word of the day.

WomanInterrupted · March 07, 2019, 01:36:57 AM

She broke the vending machine and she is PISSED, because it should never break and always give her what she wants, when she wants it!

It's strange, the first time you see it put that way, but that was my reality, too.

Kick machine, get something - except the machine is *a living, breathing human being called YOUR DAUGHTER!*

This is a GREAT video by Kris Godinez on ageing and toxic elderly parents and in-laws. Enjoy!

There's nothing quite as sweet as validation.

https://youtu.be/0eqmbRwDHSA

GentleSoul · March 07, 2019, 02:24:43 AM

The comparison of PD's using people like a vending machine is excellent. Absolutely right!

Psuedonym · March 07, 2019, 02:00:38 PM

This is such a great analogy: She broke the vending machine and she is PISSED, because it should never break and always give her what she wants, when she wants it!

It made me smile even though it isn't really funny.

Psuedonym · March 07, 2019, 04:03:13 PM

Oh and I love Kris Godinez! Thanks for the link.