Terrified they’ll show up

[Call Me Cordelia]

Middle of the night fears over here. Nightmares about abuse from my uNparents and uN/PDILs. Fantastical dream scenarios, but their behavior is all extremely realistic. I went through this early in NC, always looking down the end of my road, doing a double-take whenever I would see the model of car my uNF drives. And now this panicky fear of any or all of my parents or in-laws are going to hunt us down and turn up on my doorstep and catch me unawares and the kids won't obey me to get away from them is taking over again. So I'm in hypervigilant adrenaline mode.

I'm stressed out for many reasons. My MIL recently threatened to do just this. DH told her off but she's pretty crazy and I don't believe for a moment she's meekly given up. Both she and my uNF are the type who can lie and scheme and hold a grudge over a period of years, I've seen them do it. And we can always blame pregnancy hormones for some wild emotions.

I know some of you have had the lawn tantrum happen to you and you survived it. Probably the fear is worse than it actually happening. The fear is pretty awful. I'm waiting for my punishment to come for ignoring all the recent hoovers and flying monkey attacks. I feel sure it will in one way or another. No boundary ever goes unassaulted for long and it's almost been too quiet.

That's some messed up ptsd talking right there but right now this feeling is overwhelming. Thanks for reading and understanding.

[Scarlet Runner]

I hear your fear and worries Cordelia. I too am awake in the middle of the night with worries. I don't know that I have any helpful advice for you as I'm just figuring out how to navigate all the PD drama myself. But I can tell you you are not alone in your fears of this nature and you are not crazy. A few weeks ago I was experiencing similar fears after a my uPDbf got escalated. I left his place and drove home (an hour away) in fear that he would show up on my doorstep and create a scene (though now I realize probably unlikely) - at the time my fear felt so real that I parked in another location and stayed inside with the lights out so he wouldn't know I was there.

I am so sorry you are going through such stress and chaos. I hope you can do whatever you can to tend to your and your family's mental health and self care. 

[TwentyTwenty]

Hi, I'm very sorry you are dealing with this. It is extremely stressful when we are under assault in such an invasive and disruptive manner.

In my opinion, this is a legal matter. Physical or cyber stalking is likely a criminal act in most areas, as well as trespassing on private property.

Fortunately, we live in a guarded, gated community, and the 1 time in 2 years they showed up at the gate, the guard made them back out and said the police would be called if they didn't leave immediately.

Without the benefit of a gated community, A couple of options would be; if you are in you home and they are attempting to invade, to not answer the door and call the police for a trespassing complaint. If you arrive home and see they are waiting there for you, leave to a safe place, and call the police.

Personally, I'm not willing to fight or confront when there is a legal authority that takes me out of the mix. They can deal with the police and have their arguments with them, not me.

Our child also attends school, where security, police and all teachers know our situation, and have their pictures, car photos and literal mug shots to keep them out if they attempt to get to my child at school, which they tried once early during our NC.

I hope that you find an option that works for you, even if none of the above, that gives you the peace and happiness that you deserve!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you both. My fears are calmer this morning, although the certainty of another assault to come some time, some way is still there. That's very likely real, but I can't live my life fearing something I can't control. Just now I feel like I cannot cope with any more stress.

Thanks Scarlet Runner for sharing. I definitely parked on the street vs. driveway for a time before so I wouldn't get blocked in.

TwentyTwenty, that's awful that they actually tried to get to your child at school! We did put all those precautions in place when we went NC with my parents, but I'm pretty sure they never actually knew where DS's school was, and they could never be bothered to make the drive to see us even when they were welcome. We had a plan in place similar to what you wrote for at home. The time that I got worried about is the kids playing outside, but I concluded it's more traumatic for my children to make them hide from what is logically an unlikely threat.

I agree this kind of harassment, in person or from the comfort of their chair, is illegal. We did visit a lawyer and send a cease and desist to my parents, and it appears their sense of self-preservation kicked in and it's been quiet for a while now, except the occasional Flying Monkey.

I'm not sure yet if that's the most productive response with the IL's at this time. If somebody shows up, I will not hesitate to call law enforcement and engage as little as possible. But even just needing to have this kind of safety plan in place, or consider legal protection because my children's grandparents takes a huge toll emotionally.

[Penny Lane]

Hello, someone who survived an in-person confrontation at my home here!

In my case it was my husband's ex. But I think PD behaviors are pretty similar no matter what the relationship.

I will tell you: It sucks. It is the worst. I still get panicky when she comes to drop off the kids. I hope you don't have to go through something like this.

But! If you do - you will survive. And it's kind of liberating. Like, this is the worst you can do and you have done it and you didn't succeed. We are stronger than she is. We won, in the sense that she was escorted from our property by police and she didn't forcibly remove the kids from our house OR make H start paying her bills again (what it was ultimately about). Now it's like, hey, if she does this again we know what to do. Call the police, take the kids somewhere away from the front room.

I'd say have a plan in place for if this happens. Go over it in your head. That comforts me and sometimes it turns the worry part of the brain off. Our plan is immediately call the police.

I think you're right that the fear is worse than it actually happening. And that's probably the goal. Like terrorism. You only have to threaten to do the act (or do it once, or occasionally) in order for the fear to set in. Sometimes that thought helps - if I'm afraid, they win! Then I get mad not afraid. Maybe that's progress?

[scapegoat/caregiver]

sorry you are going thru all this.... the lack of communication is sometimes worse

I was afraid of them showing up unannounced for a very long time. could not understand why I was fearful.  and then found this site

My NARCM obsessed with garbage (but refused to pay for it)   kept coming to my house dropping off her garbage...so she would show up every Thursday at my house to drop off her garbage.  (so I would have to pay for it)  finally told her...fee increased and it was not all you can put out type of arrangement anymore. she finally stopped coming with her garbage.

figured out my father was walking around my house while I was at work...not telling me ...very unsettling ..creepy. this was before...when I did not lock the doors.  One day,  I was working in the room next to the front door...he walked right in... looked at me and said "OH....I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE HOME"  shut the door and left.  OMG...  never spoke of this... I should have said something like  " what was that all about???"   but I never did and they did not either.   

anyway... let me focus on solutions

1) got a driveway alarm that sounded when they came near the driveway,  giving me some time to lock the doors and pretend I was not home(yea..i know it sounds crazy of me) but It worked.
2)started locking doors/ changed locks
3) got trail cameras outside set them up so I had photos of them on my porch/driveway/backyard  when I was not home.

4) got a Doberman dog ... casual comment to them she is protective

good luck.  I know this is a confusing time for you but you can get thru


 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Sorry for late response, catching up here.

Penny Lane, part of me wonders that if the worst DID happen, would it finally be out and out provable that I am right to stay away from these people? I mean it's absolutely socially unacceptable to intrude at someone's home when they say not to come. I mean all I would have to say is MIL travelled thousands of miles to show up unannounced at my house and screamed at me to let her in and see my kids and wouldn't leave after she'd been told many times to stay away. It was terrifying and all I could do was call the police." And all the people say, "Oh Cordelia how terrible! Good on your protecting your children from that crazy old bat!" Not "Oh your poor MIL." Haha probably not.

[MamaDryad]

This is a little bit of a tangent to the fear of a lawn tantrum, but in response to your last post: I think it might be best to give up on the idea of universal understanding or validation of your decision to be NC. In my own experience and through reading the experiences of others, one thing I've learned is that there is literally nothing they can do so egregious that some people won't still feel sorry for them and advocate rugsweeping and reconciliation, especially when there are grandchildren in the mix.

I admit to a bias here because the first thing that I recognized as truly disordered about my uBPD mom, besides the drinking, was her constant playing to an invisible or hypothetical audience, even when we were alone. And it's one of the fleas I find hardest to root out in myself. This may or may not be relevant to your own family background; apologies if it isn't.

[Penny Lane]

Penny Lane, part of me wonders that if the worst DID happen, would it finally be out and out provable that I am right to stay away from these people? I mean it's absolutely socially unacceptable to intrude at someone's home when they say not to come. I mean all I would have to say is MIL travelled thousands of miles to show up unannounced at my house and screamed at me to let her in and see my kids and wouldn't leave after she'd been told many times to stay away. It was terrifying and all I could do was call the police." And all the people say, "Oh Cordelia how terrible! Good on your protecting your children from that crazy old bat!" Not "Oh your poor MIL." Haha probably not.

I actually did feel like it was a good shorthand that helped people understand the depth of the problem. When I tell people I just got married and that he has kids occasionally they will say "oh how is the relationship with the mom?" And I don't have to get into the whole thing, I can say "not great, like we've had to call the police to get her to leave the house." Done! People immediately get that this isn't just a normal difficult coparenting situation, that she is next level awful. No one says "oh his poor ex" when they hear that, that's for sure.

[Sidney37]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.  I, too, have a fear that they will drive hours and show up. Because I've always "gotten back in line" much sooner when it comes to my mother, I have no idea how far she would go to demand that I start following her rules again.   I agree with scapegoat/caregiver that the lack of communication is sometimes worse.  I'd rather know that they are headed to work/church, going to the store, etc. just because that meant they weren't in the car on their way here!  But I'm now NC for very good reason and I don't plan on breaking it any time soon.

Because I had a uNPD boyfriend who actually drive hundreds of miles to my house to harm me and himself in a horrific show of his loss of control over me (and if that doesn't out who I actually am to anyone here who might know me personally, nothing will), my plan is to call the police if my parents show up.  But what do we say to the police?  With an ex, police understand the implied danger of an ex driving hundreds of miles to your house after you told them not to.  Will the police really react in the same way if I say my elderly parents are in my driveway or ringing my door and I'm concerned for my safety?  My waify mom will just cry to them that I am so mean to her and have stopped speaking to her for a "petty grudge".  Will the police actually believe me?  She lies and gaslights everyone.  Family friends and relatives have never believed me in years.  She puts on a total act outside of the immediate family.  But my parents live in an area where everyone owns a gun.  They own guns.  Do I trust both of them not to have a psychiatric break over the NC and one or both  show up here with a gun?  At this point, no.  But if I told that to the police and the police told them that I was concerned for my safety, she'd just wail about how mean and crazy I am.  The chance that they would is low and if they never considered it, would seem crazy.  My PTSD tells me to protect my family at all costs. 

So at this point I am:
1. Locking doors at all times
2.  Looking into getting a driveway alarm
3.  Changing the locks on the doors
4.  Changing the code on the security system
5.  Getting security cameras

It feels crazy, but if it helps my PTSD, so be it. 

So I get your concern.  I really get it. 

[JustKat]

I'm so sorry you're having to live with this worry, though I do think it's better to have your guard up just in case. I don't mean to add to your fears as nothing may happen at all, but these people do have a habit of showing up, even if it's only to drive by and scope out your residence.

When I went NC I ghosted and left no forwarding address, but Nmother found me through an online search and started sending unwanted letters containing checks (if I had cashed one of them it would have confirmed I was at this address). The mailings bothered me, but I never worried about them coming to the house. Then one day I left the garage door up while unloading groceries, and when I went back out there was a large box sitting on the hood of my car containing unwanted Christmas gifts. My Nmother doesn't drive so I know she sent enFather to do the deed. I felt so violated, especially since he had actually trespassed onto the property. And since he saw my car it confirmed that he had found the right house, which made my blood boil as I had really tried to hide my whereabouts from them.

I gave serious thought to calling the police but decided not to because I knew they'd go to his house. I didn't want to do anything that would let them play the victim so I let it go, hoping it wouldn't happen again. I did not respond or give them any indication that I had found the box and as far as I can tell he hasn't been back.

Ever since that happened I've been more careful about being seen. I keep the garage door down at all times, keep my front gate locked, and have added security cameras with alarms out front. I hate that I have to live like this, but we have to do whatever is necessary to protect ourselves.

As Sydney37 said, if it helps my PTSD, so be it.