Temptation to break NC with mom

[Unicorn Cat]

So I established NC with my uBPD mother a few years ago. The freedom, relief, and healing I experienced during and after that were amazing. Of course, I grieved a ton and went through all the guilt, pain, and idealizing of the past too. But I knew as soon as I did it that it was right. She still sends cards to my child, which he sees but knows she's "not a safe person" so he doesn't write back. But she has only reached out to me personally a couple times in the last 3 years. She is also an addict and sexually abused me growing up, which she denies. I've not spoken or responded to her this entire time.

I've not doubted my choice for NC in all those 3 years except for fleeting moments of nostalgia.

Now, I'm coming Out of the FOG with my uNPD STBXh - and something unexpected has happened to me. I am so incredibly tempted to contact my mother. If only to tell her that we're moving and our address is changing.

As I say this to you, I hear how sick it sounds - like I'm losing one source of domination and abuse so I'm longing to go back to the old one. In truth, I can see now that my unhealthy relationship with my husband gave my codependency someplace to go and satisfied my need to fuel someone else to give my own life meaning - allowing me the space to let go of my mom and establish the NC. Now, I've grown more and am ready to let go of him too - I love myself today in a way I never have before and want to stand on my own, give myself a chance to be the good person I am inherently.

But gosh, I'm so sad and angry and scared and I want my Mommy.

I hate that this is the truth - that I could even think of her at a time like this. But I guess we never really outgrow the need for parental approval and love. I never really got those things from her, and I know if I were to reach out to her now, I still wouldn't get them. I'd get a lot of I-told-you-so's and manipulation and passive aggressive insults, not to mention the heaps of guilt and icky energy sucking.

But I really needed to acknowledge that I'm feeling this way. Has anyone else longed to break NC during times of crisis or when beginning NC with another PD'd loved one?

[Satya]

Take it from someone who has learned the hard way...DON'T DO IT.

In December, I left my stbx husband who I suspect is a psychopath. And feeling vulnerable and alone, I reached out to my mom and now I regret it. At first things were okay, but things have slowly devolved to what they were before I went NC. So I basically just exchanged one covert manipulator for another. But this is what these types do. They see your vulnerability and they feed on it. They find ways to use it against you.

It sucks that we don't get to have a healthy, loving mom to go to when we're in crisis. It's normal to want that. So I would say to ask yourself what kind of comfort are you seeking? If you did have that mom, what would she do for you? Rub your back? Hug you? Make you food? Tell you everything's gonna be okay? Can you find a way to give that comfort to yourself? Do you have a female friend in your life who might be able to give you support?

[all4peace]

Unicorn Cat, I think you've already answered your question, but I very much understand the need to hear it confirmed and validated.

I'm still coming to terms with my own uNBPDm, who also violated sexual boundaries. I know how hard it is to say "My mother sexually abused me," and I am in awe of your journey to get to that point.

I do not believe someone who chooses to sexually violate a child is a candidate for intimate relationship with that child later in life, especially when you say your M is currently an addict and whose current relationship toolbox seems pretty meager (has only contacted you a couple times in later life).

Only you can decide if you want a relationship from her, but I would gently suggest the possibility that what you really want is what you will never have: A good-enough mother. That is a terrible, grievous loss, a heartbreaking thing to accept. It is something to grieve as long and hard as you need to, and even more sadly compounded with the current loss you're facing.

I'm finally through the dark and back into the light again. Let me tell you that finally accepting and facing what I could never have (good-enough parents) and grieving that long and HARD, it's finally light, peace and joy in my life again.

Part of my journey was learning that I could mother MYSELF! I had the tools, I just needed to start using them. Self-care, exercise, sleep as able, good food, time alone, time with friends, hobbies, deep breathing, learning to self-soothe, learning to sit with realllllly difficult emotions and find that I actually could survive them without unhealthy soothing habits. It's a challenging journey and incredibly worth the effort.

We CAN outgrow that need for approval and love, but for me I first had to grieve the losses and learn how to take care of myself. Hugs to you, as this stuff is really hard and painful

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi,

Ive been NC with uNPDm for years. I used to feel pangs of desire to break NC. I never did it and what helped me was counsellors who could play the role of listener and validation. Who could substitute for the parent, in a limited but effective way. By listening to me without judgement, they could be in a role I needed someone to be in when I felt upset and raw.

Do you have access to a counselling session where you can tell them what you are going through with your divorce? A counsellor should be able to help you feel heard.

One caution. Some counselors do not understsnd NC and will erroneously assume thst if you break NC, you will get the love, respect, validation and nurturing that desire and deserve. As the child survivor of this person, you know this is not true. The counselling would be to experience some reparenting and how to find those experiences in your life while maintaining NC with a known abuser. For some reason society still has a double standard where we are told to get out of abusive relationships, unless its with our parent especially our mothers. Ideally you need someone who understands that your need for emotional safety are never met by your mother and you are feeling more raw and exposed, open,  right now due to the divorce. Where many people have a mom to help them when they are going through a divorce, you do not. Take care of yourself with every idea you can think of for self care right now.

[Starboard Song]

Yep.

We are 4 years NC, and when we had a loss in the family recently, and seeing my dad in poor health, it brought up a fury and disgust at the waste that my in-laws had made of their family. I have wanted to contact them. But not to give a hug. I want to go point by point demonstrating that they are objectively unmoored from reality.

That is not the kind thing to do. It is not productive. It wouldn't make them happier. It wouldn't make me happier. It would risk dragging my wife back into their web.

So I've quashed that urge and am back on the wagon.

Good luck to you!