Taking my daughter to therapy today

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi I'm know I'm going to want some support after this appointment today. We're NC for 2-3 years with both sets of her grandparents (uPDs all!). She's been grieving and I think she needs more support than I'm equipped to give. We got a referral from the pediatrician and our options were fairly limited. So I'm going in somewhat blind as to what to expect from this therapist, which is not ideal. I will be with her the whole time, though.

This is for her and it's not about me, but I'm scared of what will happen at this session. I'm worried about being seen as the problem, especially since I cut off all the grandparents, and my daughter does not know the full story. (And it's going to stay that way, for details see my other posts.) I feel a little angry if I'm honest that my young daughter is so affected by the loss of those whom she rarely saw and I'm sure did/do not love her. I blame myself that I encouraged an attachment to her grandparents. It's all just yucky and I am just going to need some supportive messages when I get back. Is that okay to ask here?

[Andeza]

This is still a part of your nc journey. We've got your back. I'm so glad that you've been willing to take this step for her healing.

[all4peace]

Absolutely you can process it here! Did the appt happen yet?

[Sidney37]

Hi Cordelia - I hope it was a good first appointment.   As you know, my DD has been in therapy for anxiety (made much worse by PDm) and coping with the NC.   We're here to
listen!

[Call Me Cordelia]

So it seems I psyched myself out for nothing. (Sorry for the terrible pun.) I wrote down NPD when prompted for family metal health issues and she seemed to understand immediately and did not question why the grandparents were not part of her life. The counselor said it sounds like we're on the right track and gave us a packet of emotional regulation strategies. Her opinion was she is a sensitive kid and many life changes all piled on one after the other. (Move, baby, family kaboom, move, baby, pandemic...) She wasn't concerned. She did say she's been seeing so so much depression and OCD and anxiety in kids right now, so probably my daughter is doing just fine relatively speaking. The grief also comes in waves for her and she's more "up" right now. So I guess we'll just keep on keeping on. It was clear in the session she barely remembers them and she said she doesn't feel confused or angry, just sad about them. The counselor doesn't recommend any further sessions until perhaps when she's older and ready to process some things she doesn't need to know now. Then we went shopping and it was fun.

[nanotech]

You and your daughter take care.
We've got your back on here Cordelia.
It must be so hard when both sets of grandparents are PDs. Ugh.
Sounds like good news from the session, and retail therapy is always fun, especially mum and daughter shopping!!

[Andeza]

I was wondering if maybe she's just a highly sensitive individual. I've known people who are in the past; and for them, grieving is simply a longer, more involved process. I always like it when things turn into a "Phew" *wipe the unnecessary sweat off your brow* moments. Much preferable to the alternative.

[lotusblume]

Hey Cordelia,

Not too much to ask for some supportive messages here! It's good that you are asking for what you need.

This is also somewhat a reply to your post on my post. You said you were concerned about messing up your kids because you're not completely healed - perhaps that is some of the anger you were feeling about your daughters difficult grieving process?

I think you have done a wonderful thing in putting her needs and feelings first and bringing her to therapy even if it makes you uncomfortable or scared. THAT is being a good parent.

I am it is hard on your daughter. I only realized my grandmother was toxic when I was coming Out of the FOG with my parents, and then she betrayed me and treated me how she treated her mother. Grandparents, toxic ones, seem to give their grandchildren more love and affection than their own children sometimes. It's hard for the child to see any of that as unhealthy or manipulation.

In my own case, my grandmother was very critical and hard around the edges with my mother, but treated me like an extension of her, a golden child. I think she may have been competing with my mother for my affection. I used to spend a lot of time with her, well into adulthood, and felt like we had a special connection.

Now, I realize she's guilty of emotional incest, with her children, and with me. Before I went NC with her too, she harassed me everyday as she sensed me pulling away, and told me I was her soulmate. (!!!!)

If my own mother would have got out of her claws at, your age let's say, it probably would have felt terrible to me then, since I didn't understand any of that. I just loved my grandmother.

But now, I see that if my mother would have pulled away, she would have been a better parent to me, and I wouldn't have dealt with the same massive trauma of realizing my grandmother was extremely toxic, manipulative and self-serving, and would throw me to the wolves to quell her own sense of what "family" means.

This will be very tough on your daughter now, and she may resent you even, but I am sure that when she is older, she will understand. It is good that she will be learning to accept and transcend her feelings now, with the help of a therapist, rather than denying them, like so many dutiful daughters do, like I'm sure you did.

Take care.

[lotusblume]

Edit:

I am SURE it is hard on your daughter. I only realized my grandmother was toxic when I was coming Out of the FOG with my parents, and then she betrayed me and treated me how she treated her DAUGHTER (my mother).