The first step to healing (NC with NPD father)

[roarjona]

This is going to be a long post. I mainly just need to get this whole thing off of my chest with people that actually know about the topic.

I'm a 25F, and I'm my father's only child. My mom divorced him when I was very young. I've recently come to realize that my father (64M) has NPD (probably along with other things). Now that I think of it, I'm kind of surprised it took me so long to realize it. This explains so much about why my mom left him (which I have since, talked about with her), why she never wanted me growing up around him, and that I have some of the traits children of narcissists usually have. I've been doing a lot of research and learned a great deal on this website.

My father lost visitation rights when I was 8, and as a naive little teenager I went looking for him at 17. This saved me from a whole lot of psychological damage. The first months were pretty decent (even though since the very beginning he has been manipulate), but as time passed he started to weigh me down a lot emotionally.
All of his family is in another country (where he's from) and my mom's family is from where we live in (not disclosing for privacy reasons).

As my adult life started, my father has pulled all kind of stunts like calling me at 4 am crying saying he wants to kill himself, allegedly overdozing on clonazepam, etc. All this just to get my atention. I've fallen for it everytime. I knew he was toxic, but he's so good at the victim game and all his performances are award winning. I was confused most of the time and felt guilty and overwhelmed. I've been in an out of depression, live in constant anxiety, and have battled suicidal thoughts because of him. Of course every other person that knew him like neighbors or people from church always say he's a great guy, has suffered a lot, and that he loves me and is a great father.

It's hard to stick to a storyline and I apologize, I just kind of feel like I'm word vomiting right now. I'm still learning all the terminology, but so far the tactics I've noticed are: flying monkeys, proxy recruitment, hoovering, playing the victim (his favorite!), smearing campaings (especially against my mom). He's also verbally abusive when he get's upset, always strives to form codependency relationships, is a pathological liar... I could go on and on. He gives me the golden child treatment, but also belittles my decisions. He's also very paranoid and negative about everything, nothing is ever up to his standards and all he ever does is rant. He never listens to what I have to say about my life, conversations always revolve around him.

I've found myself to avoid him, end up exhausted after visiting him, anxious when I knew a visit was coming up, not being able to stand him for more than a couple of hours. And what started from a genuine interest to have a relationship with him turned into pity and a sense of obligation. 5 years ago I went NC for 6 months and it was amazing. It ended when I ran into him at the mall. Also one of his friends (flying monkeys) found me on facebook and started telling me I should visit my dad, that he didn't feel well, etc.

Flash forward, to July of last year, his life became a mess. Neighbors called me early in the morning and it turned out he was having a psychotic break. He was naked on the street with an airsoft pistol yelling nonsense about the Chinese invasion and him being the Messiah. We live in a country with next to none mental health resources and facilities. The nearest mental hospital was 2 hours away, but the ambulance refused to take him unless he was sedated, and the had no medication (very frustrating). I called 5 different private doctors and no one would come. By chance, I stumbled upon a nurse that said she worked at a clinic that could take him in. They even offered to pick him up. I went to see the place first and interviewed the person encharged. I had no other option so I committed him there. It turned out to be a drug rehab place, which I learned months later had no license to operate and no licensed staff. I learned a lot of abuse went on in there, so as soon as I could I got him out. This took place in 8 months. They had me completely fooled. The joy of living in a 3rd world country.

While my father was committed, he got evicted. He had stopped paying rent for about 8 years, because the landlord wouldn't make some renovations. The sense of entitlement is insane. So now he's homeless. I've had him living from one airbnb to the next. I've tried every resource I could find. Social services in both countries. But since the man managed to live with out ever having a job in his life (mostly at the expenses of others), and never paid taxes, he isn't entitled to any social housing or assistance. His family won't get involved. I just graduated college and still live with my mom. He's expressed his desire to move in with me if I had a place and, of course, have me take care of all of the bills. No one will lease him an apartment because he has no job or income. I refuse to sign for him. He won't do anything for himself. All he does is complain. Refuses to get a job. I even took time off of my job because this whole situation has severly affected me. There is no money for private institutions. I don't make enough money anyway, and why should I carry the burden all alone?

So I've decided to go NC for good this time. This is affecting me to the point I'm getting sick. I have told him I will moving him into an airbnb one last time and after that he needs to be responsible and clean up after his own mess. This decision has been hard and I have to keep telling myself it's okay to put myself first and that I've done eveything in my power to help him that does not involve ruining my own life. I talked to one of his sisters (the only one I know) and she agrees with my decision. I don't know what consequences this will have, but I've, in a way, made peace with it. I've mae this decision about 2 days ago.

I will help him move one last time on Tuesday (I'm weary of this encounter, I know I have to be firm as I can be), and after that this is it.

If you had made it this far, thank you.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. I read every word and I am in awe of your self awareness, realistic outlook, and resolve! What a painful journey this all has been for you. My heart breaks to think of the cost this has been to your life thus far.

You have found a community of fellow travelers who do get it. Who understand on a deep, heart level. We will support you in your decision to remove yourself from further manipulation, trauma, and harm. We will encourage you and walk alongside of you as you choose what is best and right for your life in the face of your father's overwhelming problems.

We have developed a fabulous toolbox and resources. Take your time to read through and further identify and discover insights and tools as you continue forward. Join the conversations taking place on the boards, puruse the online resources and book recommendations and begin to build a support system around your beautiful, young life that will position you to recover and thrive.

Thank you for sharing some of what you are going through. I am so glad you found us and look forward to supporting you!!

[roarjona]

Hi Bloomie! Thank you so much for taking your time to read this. I almost cried reading your answer and I'm also very flattered. It's been really hard. I'm so happy I found this network and I will definitely be looking into all the resources. It's also really nice to find a supportive community like this. I'm considering going back to work this week.
The journey of healing is overwhelming and I often find myself not knowing where to start. I actually discussed this with my therapist and she has the hypothesis that my father might be a pseudo sociopath. Kind of confusing. All I know is that I need my boundaries. (And I need to learn how to set them!)

Thank you so much, you've been very kind. I will definitely stick around 😁

[MarriedFroggy88]

Wow! You've truly been through a lot! I'm so glad you have decided to look after your own happiness!
Please don't worry about your dad, he brought this upon himself and he's not your responsibility.
You can do this!!