He's Checking Out

[MountainGal]

It's been well over a year since I've been on here....apologies for my absence.

My H keeps bringing up divorce. Last night he slept in the guest room. We've been in couple's therapy for 3 years. My therapist says we have great communication, we're doing so well. But H and I are unhappy with each other. I want him to deal more with his ADHD and organizational issues.  He wants me to regulate my emotions better and not get upset with him. He's been doing a lot of trauma work in his individual therapy the last year and has been getting triggered a lot. We bought a house this summer, but he doesn't feels safe here still, he says. His name is on the deed even though I'm primarily paying for the house. We had one big fight over a month ago that he still brings up. He was mad at me then for not giving him enough space when he was having a lot of trauma triggers and symptoms. This past week we had a really good therapy session where we talked about what I know about his trauma, my willingness to know more if he wants to share it, his choice to seek out a support group for sexual abuse survivors. I thought we were on the right foot.

Then, I got upset with him for missing a message about a COVID outbreak at our kids daycare and not getting her to the doctor asap. Our kiddo got diagnosed with bronchitis. I did get too escalated about the covid scare right before thanksgiving, and about her being sicker than either of us realized. I feel like it's always up to me to take off work when she needs an unscheduled appointment. Now, he's bringing up divorce again because I can't regulate my emotions well enough. He doesn't want me to bring up the past (emotional/financial abuse). He thinks I see him all "all bad" and myself as "all good." He thinks that I think he deserves to be punished. This is all projection right? But even though I've struggled to keep this marriage, he's still the one going to the other bedroom and talking about divorce.

Man, I'm just tired. I'm literally sick and exhausted. We go from being fine to not fine in a heart beat and it's exhausting.

[1footouttadefog]

It sounds like he has as you say checked out.

I so I hope he is not like so very many pds that stay and drag it out by making it worse and worse on the partner so they will be the one to finally end the marriage. 

That he is talking divorce is a sign he is thinking about moving on.

In reality if he wants he can end the relationship unilaterally.  Are you prepared for that possibility.

If you are pretty sure he is done with the relationship you might need to take measures to protect yourself financially.

Moving away from joint credit cards, having payroll direct deposited into a non joint account, shifting savings etc.  Using a service like life lick to lock down your credit so no new credit lines can be started with out your knowledge etc etc.

[MountainGal]

Thanks for the response 1footout. Yeah, things are financially separated. They have been for over 3 years now when I learned that he had been abusing the joint finances. I almost divorced him, we were separated for a year, but he fought to get back together. It's hard now accepting the idea that he might really want to end it, but I can see why that might be appealing to him. The only problem is that we just bought this house together, as I said. I don't know if he would try to fight me over that. He might just let me have it since the mortgage is in my name. We'd have to redo the title. We've been together for almost 14 years now. It's hard to accept that he's ready to split when we've worked so hard to mend the relationship.

[1footouttadefog]

Sometimes the pds will go through alot of okay acting to be sure they don't look bad.

I realize now that had I ended it at any point it would have been just what my of was hoping for. 

I cannot think of how many times he threatened to leave because it was not working and he was miserable etc.  He would always say to me, you know you are not happy, you cannot possibly this no this is going well etc etc etc. Like he was baiting me I would say I am not happy at the moment but there is nothing that is a deal breaker. 

It was always just a threat to get me in line and to get more parenting from me.

The last few times he pulled the threats I was Out of the FOG and packed him a bag and handed him a wad of cash. He would leave feed himself fast food then come home.

[notrightinthehead]

What stuck out in your post for me:

"Now, he's bringing up divorce again because I can't regulate my emotions well enough. He doesn't want me to bring up the past (emotional/financial abuse). He thinks I see him all "all bad" and myself as "all good." He thinks that I think he deserves to be punished. "

As you suspect, it very much sounds like projection to me. Honestly, to me it sounds like you are doing more than 90% of the work to keep this relationship together. And the moment you are anything other than understanding, supportive, adoring, in good spirits and even tempered he threatens you with separation. So that you fall back in line. No wonder you are exhausted. You seem to be walking on eggshells a lot of the time.

It sounds like your partner is traumatized and has a lot to deal with, but I would like to remind you of the 3 C rule - I did not cause it, I cannot cure it,  I cannot control it. If your partner is broken, it's his job to fix himself.  You deserve  a relationship of equals,  mutually supportive, full of mutual respect. This is what you are working for.  You will never achieve that, no matter how much you increase your self sacrifice and efforts, if your partner does not work with you. Only 50% of what happens in this marriage is your responsibility.