He's moved

[Mathilda]

Hello everyone, I have no question, just wanted to share :-)

As I mentioned earlier in other posts, I live in the same apartment building as my dad. At least, that used to be the case, because dad has moved!

Three months ago my neighbour told me she had heard vague rumours that dad would be moving, but she couldn't give me further details and I thought maybe he'd move to assisted living or a nursing home, just like mom did last year. He's 90.

It appears 2 weeks ago he's moved to an independent senior living apartment, that is right next to a facility for assisted living. This assisted living facility organizes all sort of fun activities, like music evenings, sports activities for seniors,  drinking coffee together. These activities are offered for free to the residents of the assisted living, but other seniors who live nearby may also join, if they pay a small amount of money. And dad had told his neighbour he wanted to move, because this other apartment could offer him 'more distraction'.

Well, that sounds like that might not be such a bad idea, right?

Except that this new apartment is right across the street    It's not even a 5 minute walk. He has a walker, but he walks fine with it. Walks to the mall with his walker, does his own shopping, walks to the church on Sundays. So he could have stayed in his apartment (which is also independent senior living btw) and still join the activities.

I spoke to other neighbours who are quite stunned, not only because they cannot understand why anyone in his right mind who is 90 would want to move from one senior living apartment to another that is right across the street, but also because he chose not to rent a professional moving company that could have moved him in 1 day, but instead decided that brother who has no moving skills, should move him. And yes, he has money, uncle told me last year he had 30.000 on his saving account. It has taken brother exactly 1 month to pack all dad's stuff in boxes and remove his furniture peace by peace to his new apartment

I decided to walk past his apartment this morning. It's almost empty now, apart from one closet and a matress in the bedroom. Guess dad doesn't need them. After brother has them removed, the only thing he needs to do is remove all the floors in 4 rooms, the hallway and the kitchen. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost 

I myself still want to move, btw. My apartment is really small and has only 2 rooms and I want something bigger (no, not dad's old 4-room apartment:-) ) But now dad has moved (although it's only across the street) and I don't need to worry anymore about bumping into him every time when I step into the elevator, at least that feels like a kind of a relief.

[bloomie]

Mathilda - this seems like a good update! Hopefully, you will have more peace knowing your dad is in another building a bit of a distance. 

[Mathilda]

Hi Bloomie, thank you for your reply.

I didn't run into dad very often, sometimes I didn't see him for months, other times I'd see him maybe once or twice a month, but ofcourse it always felt uncomfortable. I never knew what he would say. Usually he said nothing, sometimes he would greet me, very rarely he asked me how I was (to which I only shortly replied that I was fine, because I knew he wasn't really interested) and one time he cheerfully suggested we could have coffee together in my apartment (yeah just like that, after years of NC, and not to mention smearing me -  I politely refused).

And since about a year there were also times he didn't seem to recognize me. Or anyone else, neighbours told me they had the same experience, that sometimes he didn't seem to recognize them, as if he completely lived in his own world. I don't know what to think of it, is it dementia, is it because of his slight mental handicap? Or is it just an act? Trying to get attention? I don't know.

I do think that  moving to a new apartment is such an incredibly stupid thing to do; I think he should have either moved to assisted living or at least stayed in his old apartment. I  also wonder how much of this was his own idea and how much of this was brother's idea. Half a year ago brother had a fight with one of the neighbours after he verbally abused this neighbour's wife. Neighbours have hardly seen him again after the fight. Do they both think things will turn out better with new neighbours?

I'll never know. It's all quite bizar. I will probably run into him in the mall sometime. But yes, knowing he doesn't live in the same building does definitely give some peace.

[Mathilda]

Do they both think things will turn out better with new neighbours?

I'll never know

Apparently that's exactly what dad thinks. O yes, they are so predictable

I ran into one of dad's neighbours today. Whoooaa, was she glad he moved.
"Your dad said he didn't like it here anymore. Well, he kept wanting us to come over and play games with him, like Rummikub. And he was angry, because we didn't want to spend so much time with him. And your dad wasn't very nice to us either. One time I stepped into the elevator without waiting for your dad because I badly needed to go the toilet (nb there are 2 elevators, next to each other, so he could have taken the other one). When I was in my apartment, your dad came to my door and he insisted I give him an explanation why I hadn't held the elevator for him! Even your brother didn't understand why your dad wanted to move. He didn't agree. Not that I feel sorry for your brother btw. He'll probably gets well paid by your dad for all the work he's done."

So I was right, he did move because of the neighbours. Madness! His neighbours are really kind people! I told her I was sorry and felt that dad will regret his decision to move, because ofcourse it's not the neighbours, but it's dad ....

Unfortunately they don't have any selfreflection at all and always think they are entitled to other people's care and attention.

[moglow]

...One time I stepped into the elevator without waiting for your dad because I badly needed to go the toilet (nb there are 2 elevators, next to each other, so he could have taken the other one). When I was in my apartment, your dad came to my door and he insisted I give him an explanation why I hadn't held the elevator for him!

OR she didn't care to be trapped with him any longer than necessary. The brass of him though, demanding an explanation!!

As an old friend of mine liked to say, wherever you go there you are! If dad doesn't change his ways, he's going to find exactly what he left behind.

[Mathilda]

OR she didn't care to be trapped with him any longer than necessary. The brass of him though, demanding an explanation!!

I believe her. But had she closed the doors as soon as she had seen my dad coming because she didn't want to waste a second of her time to him, I wouldn't blame her.

As an old friend of mine liked to say, wherever you go there you are! If dad doesn't change his ways, he's going to find exactly what he left behind.

 

[moglow]

Mathilda, mother's neighbors are nice enough to move her big garbage can out by the street and back for her. And she repeatedly complains that "they put it in the wrong place no matter how many times I've told them not to!" If there are limbs or trash, someone either "should have" picked them up or they stack them wrong. She really doesn't get that they're trying to help, don't look a gift horse in the mouth! In her world you're doomed if you do, doomed if you don't no matter who you are.

[Mathilda]

They are really mind-boggling aren't they?

This neighbour (for nearly 30 years!) came at my door 3 months ago, because she hadn't seen him for a week. It appeared he was on a holiday, it was an organized holiday for the elderly and people with disabilities. But he hadn't told his neighbours, his curtains were closed and the mailbox was full, so she worried something might have happened to him.

Neighbours on the other side have really helped him when he had to go the hospital some years ago. And later they drove my mom and him to the doctors appointments a few times. They have told me they gave him a haircut when the hairdresser's were closed during the Covid pandemic (until they considered it too dangerous because he refused to wear a mask).They are kind and helpful.


The fool is burning his bridges