Update - uBPD/NPD sister called

[guitarman]

Thank you. That really helps.

X

[guitarman]

I want to thank everyone here for your support over the time I have been posting on the forum.

I have gone no contact with my uBPD/NPD sister for two years. I will not be contacting her over Christmas. I have not sent her a card or a present or any messages. I no longer wish to see her ever again. She is never going to change and I can't change her.

I will be spending the time with my other supportive siblings and their families. Our sister has not been invited.

Our parents have passed away so Christmases are different now. At least we shall not have the constant fear of our sister disrupting our time together. We never knew how she was going to behave.

She's still in my thoughts constantly. I have nightmares about her decades of abusive behaviour and get triggered easily. I feel guilty about not contacting her but I have to look after my own well-being first. I wish her well from afar.

I am still living with depression and have had some setbacks recently. The Covid-19 situation is very worrying here in the UK, as everywhere else. I've had my booster and am so glad that I have.

I hope that you all have a safe and peaceful time whatever you are doing, if you are celebrating Christmas or not. Please keep calm, set boundaries and have a joyful time if you can. It's OK to be happy even when someone else isn't. Get help if you need to.

Abuse thrives in the darkness. We all need to shine a light on it wherever it occurs.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe.

My best wishes to you all.

X

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hi Guitarman. You say 'I hope that you all have a safe and peaceful time whatever you are doing, if you are celebrating Christmas or not. Please keep calm, set boundaries and have a joyful time if you can. It's OK to be happy even when someone else isn't. Get help if you need to.'

Very well said. Thank you. Same to you. Hope you enjoy the holiday with your supportive siblings. 

 

 

[guitarman]

Thank you for your comment.

I'm staying with one of my siblings and their family at their house. Our uBPD/NPD sister hasn't been invited. It's been such a different atmosphere here than ever it used to be being with our sister. There was always tension being in her company, never knowing if she would explode in a tirade of abuse at any time or not or being lectured to and listening to her talk incessantly, being careful not to disagree or criticise some of her conspiracy theories and whacky ideas or listening to how physically ill she is and that none of us care about her.

My supportive sibling has a loving, respectful and caring relationship with their partner and adult children. I can relax knowing that there won't be any emotional outbursts. There has been so much laughter. I can relax here. 

None of us has mentioned our sister. I am going to see if I can go all Christmas without mentioning her. I usually talk about her a lot. It's been difficult not to as she's always in my thoughts. So that's my secret task during this time. It's a little game I'm going to play to test myself to see how long I can go without talking about her. Talking about her would only reignite all the abuse that we've all endured for decades and re-traumatise everyone over again, including myself. I'm aware of my part in this process. There has been no current news about her that I'm aware of so there is no real reason to discuss her present situation. Usually I need to discuss what she has done to upset me.

So not discussing my sister is another step in my recovery journey. It's difficult not to mention her as we talk about past times and some of the fun times we had growing up together.

This is all a learning process and a new way of living. I have to learn to let her go by not mentioning her so much. There are other people in this world beside my uBPD/NPD sister.

If you've gone no contact with your abuser how do you cope talking about their past behaviour with other people?

Perhaps in the future I will only discuss my sister with the support groups I'm involved with and not my family. Maybe that is the way forward?

It's all a bit weird not discussing her. It feels like the elephant in the room that we aren't talking about but I think we've all had enough of her and are exhausted.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. 

X

[guitarman]

I've posted this in the Other Media section of the forum as well.

How To Cope With A Dysfunctional Family During The Christmas Period

17 Dec 2021

Advice that may help you to cope during Christmas time from Khiron Clinics.


https://khironclinics.com/blog/dysfunctional-family-at-christmas/

[guitarman]

I'm back home now after a few days away with my sibling's family and visiting our other sibling's family.

I didn't start any conversations about our sister but someone else did and I briefly joined in. One sibling mentioned about what we are going to do if or when our sister's adult children get married. They were wondering whether to attend or not. It has been something that's been on my mind a lot as well, but that's future thinking for another time.

We had a lovely time together without the trauma of our sister being involved.

Because of Covid-19 we didn't mix with any other people so we had quite a subdued time. There were no visits to the pub but we had a good time together instead.

We tested ourselves before mixing with our other sibling's family and were all negative.

I hope you have had a relaxing and peaceful time if you were celebrating.

May you have a happy new year.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe.

X

[Hilltop]

I am so happy to read the update and read that you had a nice peaceful Christmas with your supportive siblings.  That's great.  It also sounds really good that you managed not to bring up your NC sibling and managed to focus on staying in the moment during the visit.

What's really positive though is that your supportive sibling did bring up the topic on how to manage future events with your NC sibling.  This I would imagine would be a nice feeling to know you have that support there.  It would seem your other siblings are also stressed by your NC sibling and it's great that you have each other for support to navigate future events such as weddings etc.

I'm glad you had a lovely visit and I'm hoping the New Year will continue to bring more peace and inner strength.

[nanotech]

I'm so glad you had a peaceful and loving and stress free Christmas. We did too- no PDs either!

[guitarman]

Thank you for your replies.

I just woke up from a nightmare about my uBPD/NPD sister. I've been two years no contact with her. Will the nightmares ever end?

I know I have a lot to process after decades of her abusive behaviour but the torment continues. I am grieving our non PD elderly parents as well so it all gets mixed up.

The flashbacks and nightmares are so real. Incidents from decades ago pop up at any time. I get triggered by so many things. I haven't watched television for that reason for two years. I limit what I watch online. I rarely watch the news as it's all usually very bad, especially about Covid-19.

I think I'm regressing not progressing. I know I'm being so negative. I am living with depression which makes me feel so negative. I try and be kind to myself but it can be so difficult.

I replay times when my sister was pleading for help, shaking and whimpering on the floor in a foetal position, or raging, shouting, screaming and suicidal. We never knew as a family what we could do to console her. Whatever we did was never right. We tried everything. It was never enough.

I feel so guilty about going no contact but I couldn't cope any more with her. It's as though my brain and body crave all the adrenaline again of the past traumatic times. It doesn't make any logical sense to me.

I know this is all CPTSD and trauma bonding. I understand a bit about that. I was fearful about going no contact. My sister hasn't contacted me so that has made my decision easier. I'm adamant not to contact her. She would only eventually love bomb me into submission and hoover me back into her pathetic waif life with all it's extremes.

Just venting and trying to make sense of everything.

[Sheppane]

Hi guitarman, 

I get this. I get flashbacks and random nightmares plus nostalgic dreams alot. You say you fear you are regressing but to me it sounds like healing. In my experience I have often gone through phases which are so painful that it feels like I must be going backwards.  Yet often someone on this forum has pointed out that at these very moments I am healing,  through the pain.

I am sorry it is so difficult right now. You talk about guilt and PTSD and trauma bonding. I heard somewhere once that when I feel guilt it is akin to faulty satnav . In other words it is not to be trusted. It is what was instilled from a dysfunctional background.

The brain and body craves the adrenaline of the chaos because it is what is most familiar. 

It sounds to me you are in a very painful place, but I hope it is a place of healing at the same time 

Stay strong

[nanotech]

I am so sorry you have had a nightmare about your sister. Suffering in this way must be hard.  I think that it might be be the trauma bonding trying to fill in the 'gaps' your non contact has caused. We get accustomed to the drama and the pain. Sometimes, even when we put a stop to it, we then 'miss' it. I guess it can come out in dreams at first. I'm sure once time has passed, this will  begin to diminish.

Just my opinion of course, and I'm no therapist.
I just think you are on the right path, your own path.

[guitarman]

Thank you for your responses.

One of my siblings and their partner have been tested positive for Covid-19. They are both non PD. Their young children have tested negative. I'm surprised that the children are still going to school but they get tested every day. Everyone is doing well and the parents are fully vaccinated.

I have more important things to worry about than my UBPD/NPD sister. This news has triggered a response in me. She still invades my thoughts. Now I'm imagining what I would do if she became seriously ill with Covid-19. This is all rumination and future thinking about nothing that hasn't even happened yet. It's how my mind works. "What if" thinking.

I'm so surprised that my sister has not been in contact during the pandemic worrying me with all her fears about it. When there is a genuine global health crisis there hasn't been a word from her for two years.

I've told myself that I don't want to see her ever again so I would have to stick to that boundary. I would let her adult children take responsibility for her, if they are in contact with her. I tell myself that she is not my responsibility.

I relive crisis times when she believed that she had life threatening illnesses. I frequently called for ambulances when she said that she couldn't breathe.

She had so many illnesses. She believed they were all serious. She would be very convincing. Heart disease, cancer, lung problems, stomach ulcers she was a walking miracle. She was always complaining about something new that she had self diagnosed herself with. I am in pain most days with sciatica but I rarely complain about it.

My non PD sibling has a good local support network of friends who will be helping take care of the children should they need them. I don't live nearby so I can't be there. It's all very worrying but they are fit and fully vaccinated so hopefully they should all be fine.

Just venting.

[guitarman]

**** Trigger Warning ****

It's been over two years since I went no contact with my uBPD/NPD sister. I'm still having nightmares about her decades of abusive behaviour and feeling guilty about not contacting her.

I'm not at peace and keep having to remind myself why I don't want to have her back in my life. I can't cope with her extreme emotional rollercoaster ranging from being so kind, loving and happy to being so abusive, cruel and sad.

I got so used to the extreme mood swings and abuse. Then I would wait for the calm times to return knowing that she was then safe from self destructive threats which she had said she would carry out during the previous loud alarming tumultuous period.

I'm living with depression, probably CPTSD as well. I can't do much. I lack energy and motivation to do almost anything. I'm finding it difficult to do the most simplest of tasks. I find it difficult to plan and organise or to make decisions. I can't concentrate. I have negative thinking. I think I'm a terrible person and a complete failure.

I try not to blame my sister for me feeling this way. I used to feel like I was her constant rescuer, trying to save her from her life threatening behaviour and deflecting her abuse from the rest of her family. I felt I was a calming influence that would be with her to bring her back from the edge of despair. That was my role. To calmly listen, encourage, validate and placate.

I know now that I can't ever change her. Only she can do that.

I ask myself how am I going to feel if she ultimately carries out her threats to harm herself. I would feel so guilty about not doing more to help and support her. I know now that she used that guilt to control me. Abusers are all about power and control. Threatening to frequently harm oneself is abuse.

I feel that my body and mind have shut down, given up and given in. Memories of all the emotional trauma are just too much for me to cope with at times.

Often it is difficult for me to know what reality is and what is fiction, made up by my anxious, fearful mind.

I know I need to look after myself. No one else is going to do that for me. I say that I've done enough and that it's OK to not get involved any more. I need to be kinder to myself.

I get so confused at times. I don't know if this post even makes any sense.

I feel that something very bad is going to happen to me and the whole world. Impending doom. Anticipatory dread. I know this is anxiety.

I tell myself that thoughts aren't facts. They are only thoughts. I've learnt that from many years of regular Mindfulness meditation practice.

It helps me to write my thoughts down. I calm down eventually and feel less anxious. I live on my own so my thoughts can perpetuate and echo about unchallenged.

This is what decades of abuse and trauma does. It messes up your mind. It attacks your body. It makes you unable to function properly. It discombobulates you. I love that word.

Today was a good day. One non PD sibling visited me and we went out for a coffee together. We never mentioned our abusive sister. There are other things going on in the world.

Just rambling and venting.

[Hilltop]

Glad to hear you had a nice coffee with your non PD sibling.  Having those connections is so important.  I was watching a You Tube video the other day Brain Fog and Exhaustion after Narcissistic Abuse by Caroline Strawson and she went through the changes in the brain when you have suffered abuse over a period of time and how it affects your body.  I had read books about complex PTSD and the effects as well.

She says that NC is the only way to bring the body back from that constant source of cortisol that is released in these abusive relationships and how we need to give ourselves a break because what we are feeling with the brain fog and the exhaustion is normal and it simply needs time for our bodies to heal to get back to normal levels. She explains it more in depth and the different parts of the brain we end up utilising during abuse, I am not doing it justice however I found this video really interesting as I have been really exhausted the past couple of years and recently have been contemplating NC with my parents.  After watching this video it really cemented in my mind how important NC is and stopping that abuse from continuing.  As she explains, you can't heal if you continue with the contact, the brain needs to rest and not have that stress continuing ie stop the continual release of cortisol, to stop being in a continual state of fight/flight.  I really am seeing how damaging these types of relationships are and I am starting to see that I don't want to tolerate anyone in my life who seems to be PD.  It simply isn't worth it regarding our health.

The exhaustion that we are left with, is completely normal and her message is that we shouldn't beat ourselves up about it.  We are exhausted and have brain fog, yep we do, however we can heal that, it will be reversed with NC when the source of the stress is removed.

I am sure you have looked into this however as you say, you are exhausted, you lack motivation and as you say you sometimes feel guilty for not doing more.  I really hope you can see that NC is healing you.  That the exhaustion now is one of the effects of narcissistic abuse.  When we finally are out of that constant fight/flight then we finally get a chance to not only emotionally heal but physically heal as well.  I hope this helps a little with the guilt, to see that going NC is helping your healing process.  I think too often I do beat myself up over my lack of motivation and exhaustion, however it's good to remember that this isn't anything about me, it's a natural response to constant stress.  It has helped me in turning down the guilt a little about NC about shutting those people out of my life.  I also read about EMDR being particularly useful with PTSD and I am thinking about looking into this as well.

Yes your body has shut down but over time with healing, there will be more light.  Keep going, you'll get there. 

[guitarman]

Thank you for your reply. You make a lot of sense.

I follow Caroline Strawson on Instagram and several other narcissistic abuse support places there as well. They are all useful for me to help with my recovery. They remind me what I have experienced.

I can't just "get over it". I naively thought that I would by now. I still get triggered so often. I frequently wake up in the middle of the night waking up from a nightmare about my uBPD/NPD sister.

I noticed that it used to take me at least three days to come back to normal after a chaotic incident. Then the cycle would continue again. I never knew when my sister would visit or listen to her frequent desperate phone calls.

I remind myself that I am now safe and there is peace. My mind is still living as though it is under attack and in danger or has to be ready to rescue her from danger at any moment. I can't relax. This is what trauma does to the body and mind.

I shouldn't be surprised really. I've experienced trauma for decades. I need to be kinder to myself and have more self compassion.

It's useful to know about cortisol and physiology and how the body and mind works. It's all fascinating to me. I reason with myself and explain why I am feeling a certain way.

I practice box breathing which helps to calm and slow down my breathing. I plan to learn more about breath work.

I am interested also in nutrition and mood and food. I read about how certain foods contain GABA and how it helps to calm the mind. I have been eating a plant based diet for two years. I'm surprised that I have persisted this long but I have no interest in eating meat. It's all about showing loving kindness to all living beings.

I have been watching many YouTube videos during the pandemic about animal rescues and seeing them recover from abuse. Maybe my mind is needing to see that recovery is possible with the appropriate treatment and care. I need to be rescued and care more for myself. It's just occurred to me why I have been drawn to watching these videos. It fills me with joy to see the abused animals thrive after they have been treated with love and kindness.

Recovery is a process that takes time. However long is different for everybody. Maybe I'll never fully recover but learn to manage and live better knowing I did my best with what I knew at the time.

My sister needed professional help but never accepted that help when it was offered. She believed everyone else needed the help. We did, to cope with her extreme behaviour.

I reached my limit. There comes a time when you need to put your own needs first for your own survival and wellbeing. I reached that point. I needed to go no contact otherwise we could be on this same emotional rollercoaster for the rest of our lives.

I'm listening to calming and relaxing Mozart music on YouTube. It lasts for over two hours. It helps to distract me from my troubled thinking.

[Hilltop]

Yeah my PDmother would say "Get over it", it's so dismissive and invalidating.  It takes time and it's different for everyone.  I was really surprised by what I have learned about the effects on the body, I had no idea and learning about it has helped to lessen the guilt for me.  Like you say the recovery time when in contact seems to get longer and longer and then I hit a point where I didn't feel like I was completely getting back to normal.  I had some things happen where they were stressful and I didn't cope that well, I think the combination of being in continual stress over my parents simply took a massive toll so that when something else happened, as it does in life, I simply didn't have much left in the tank to deal with it.  I ended up losing my patience, getting frustrated, reacting in anger and I came to see that something had to change.  I think the NC sometimes is what we need.  It's simply not healthy being around that abuse. 

I so relate to a lot of what you say.  I am in the process of going plant based.  I do struggle sometimes, however I am building up recipes and I usually only eat seafood at this point.  Ethically it's how I want to live, as like you have said kindness to all living beings.  I also love the video's of the animal rescues and seeing the changes after they have healed.  I think as well it's seeing kindness in people that is lovely, the fact that people do care.  I love seeing the actual expression on the animals face go from being sad and fearful to almost seeing a smile on their face and light in their eyes.  It's beautiful.

As you say your sister needed professional help and it was refused.  She is on her own journey and you are on yours.  I'm glad you have also watched the video's about the body and how it takes time to heal.  It took a long time to reach a point of reaching your limits, it will take some time to heal from that. 

[guitarman]

Thank you.

I realised that I can't ever trust my uBPD/NPD sister not to abuse me ever again. She's never going to change. I've been no contact with her for two years. I can't go back to hearing about all her self diagnosed life threatening physical illnesses and how she can't cope with living because no one cares about her.

I'm having a peaceful time listening to some calming piano music. I'm enjoying the peace just observing my thoughts and breathing.

I'm listening to
Einaudi - Waves
The Piano Collection Vol. 2
played by Jeroen van Veen on YouTube

https://youtu.be/KjGcpAZHAHw

It was a suggestion made by YouTube. I've not heard the composer's work before.

Before going no contact quiet times were not enjoyable because my sister would often disrupt them with all her worries and death dramas. I would have to listen to her for hours. During the silences I would be thinking about the last traumatic time and how she would be coping. It was a constant emotional rollercoaster for decades.

Now I say that I've done enough. I wish her well from afar.

I want to enjoy the peace, the peace I've created by setting boundaries.

[Boat Babe]

Sometimes, letting go with love is all we can do. You Guitarman could not have done more. Remember the three C's. They helped me immensely when I was in a bad place because of PD madness. Enjoy your peace, you deserve it.

[guitarman]

Thank you. Yes I know about the three Cs. I found them very helpful. It was very freeing to realise my limitations and what I am NOT responsible for.

I also say to myself "I care but can't cope". That is how I honestly acknowledge what I have experienced.

I am kinder to myself. I have experienced extreme trauma and stress for decades. I have done all that I can.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Very good point about thoughts not being facts. Mindfulness is something I also practice, and I frequently watch similar videos you mention. I never knew about these things until a couple years ago and seeing what others share on this site has been so helpful.   

I only have one sibling who can also be cheerful and fun-loving and in the same conversation end up hurling personal insults, yell, and be vindictive. To be in contact with her is to ride her emotional rollercoaster and constantly re-direct her narrative, or rescue her from some new drama. I am 3 years NC, but had a phone call recently about our parent's health issues. She has not changed and it took a few weeks to recover from our interaction. I believe our bodies retain the impacts of what feels like an
assault to me (even if a verbal one). I felt scorched, burned somehow. It was a very familiar feeling and one I believe is not sustainable if I am going to have a healthy life. I let go with love, and think I need to continue on my path even though it will be a solo journey.   

I think you are doing many good things, and using the "tools" well. Just wanted to lend my support to you and let you know you are not alone.