Living On The Edge

[guitarman]

*** Trigger Warning ***

If I were to ever write a book about my experiences living with my uBPD/NPD sister "Living On The Edge" is what it would be called.

I often say that living with her has been like standing on the edge of a cliff with her beside me, with her wanting to jump off. She has often been suicidal for decades.

Now I have to walk away from her, fearing that she would take me with her if she jumped, with her clinging onto me.

It's what I have to do now. I have to look after myself first. It isn't selfish, it is survival. I have set firm boundaries by going no contact with her and never want to see her ever again. I haven't been in contact with her for over two years, since our elderly mother passed away.

I often feel like I am living on the edge of madness. My mental health isn't at all good. I am living with depression and grief. Still she rages in my head.

I've often felt that we were living on the edge of a breakthrough with her being stable for a long time. Finally we could all relax in the family thinking she had changed. Then something would happen and all her raging would start all over again.

I now call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse. I will no longer tolerate being abused. I care but can't cope any more. I am living with fear, obligation and guilt all the time, in case she becomes suicidal again, which she probably will. I have to accept now that she won't change and that I can't change her.

She can be so loving and kind, full of joy and happiness. However at other times she can be loudly raging and suicidal, so mean and nasty shouting and swearing and saying the most appalling things. That is the person still raging in my head.

I talk to myself with my calm adult voice saying that I have done enough to help her and have done the right thing by going no contact with her. I tell myself that it's alright to look after myself. She knows exactly how to push all my buttons and how to make me feel guilty.

My inner critic is very loud berating and punishing me. I have to be kinder and more gentle with myself. I practice frequent Loving Kindness Mindfulness meditations which help.

I am probably living with CPTSD. I have frequent flashbacks of extreme traumatic times with her. I will probably need support for the rest of my life and I am OK with that. I have been attending mental health carers support groups for many years and will continue to do so.

I like to help others living with a similar situation. I like to pass on my knowledge and experience. I like to raise awareness about Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and show how targets of abuse can cope better and need continuing specialist support.

I am often living on the edge of not being able to cope any more. My depression takes over and I am unable to do much. It's something I am trying to come to terms with and accept about myself but it can be very difficult at times. I want to do so much and lead a fulfilled productive life but even the simplest of tasks are so difficult sometimes.

So here I am. Still sharing my experiences with others in this wonderful special community.

Thank you all for your continuing support. We all walk together on our journey of recovery, healing and acceptance. We are not alone. Together we help and support each other through some very challenging times that only we know about.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[bee well]

Hi guitarman,

I'm very sorry about your Sister, and what you are dealing with.

I'm glad you have been taking the steps to heal.

It is ok to be kinder and gentler with yourself, and to take care of you first. You deserve it.

The work you do here is helping a lot of people. Me, for example.

Thank you.

Please, "Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting"

[guitarman]

*** Trigger Warning ***

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your kind words. 

I like to pass on things that have helped me. I post regularly in the "Other Media Resources" section of the forum. If it helped me then it probably would be of interest to others and help them as well.

I like to be positive about my experiences of abuse. I like to turn the situation around and pass on what I have learnt about myself.

My elderly father wanted to end his life because he could no longer cope with my uBPD/NPD sister's abusive behaviour towards him and other members of our family. An intelligent, loving, kind man destroyed by her constant abusive behaviour and concerns.

I also know of a person in a mental health carers group that I attend who killed themselves because they couldn't cope with their adult child's abusive behaviour towards them. 

Caring for someone in your life living with BPD/EUPD/NPD is difficult. It is stressful. It can become all consuming. Other people don't fully understand unless they've been in a similar situation themselves.

I'm more open about what I have experienced and I recognise that I need to talk about my feelings and what has happened. For so long I didn't. I stayed silent, not knowing what to do. I was isolated and afraid.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[moglow]

Guitar man, like you I used to keep silent. Protect the image, as it were. Play along to get along. As I came out of my own fog I kept asking Why. Not why does she do it [because mother had endless excuses and justification if she acknowledged it at all] but why did I put up with and make excuses all those years. I was sick at heart as well as physically, poisoned by it all.

Simply: We're "taught" that families are warm, loving, happy places where even when conflict happens, everybody's got your back just as you have theirs. Living through what we did, we come to believe -if not told outright- that it's US. We caused it. We're to blame. We deserve nothing less, etc. We're led to believe that if we just do xyz,  it'll change.  But xyz becomes abc which becomes lmnop, an ever changing goal post we're supposed to somehow navigate. Alone.

Then lights start dawning. We're around other families and the world around us and we hear none of what we've had. We think "oh this is because we're in public, we all know what goes on behind closed doors." Only ... we don't feel that edge around them. We watch those families with awe. We listen to their stories and they're not insults and ridicule. They don't avoid each other but rather seek each other out. We want THAT!

When I started opening up, letting people hear messages and read text conversations - so they got the whole story!- it confirmed it wasn't just me. I found support in the most random of acquaintances, and they never doubted a word. Didn't ask me "have you tried..." Or "shes your mother and she loves you." I found that people GET IT. Too many are just like us, living on a painful edge of an abyss.

Keep reaching out for the good ones. You've had the courage to get you through, keep building on that courage and keep going. It takes a while to decompress and eliminate those poisons but I believe it can be done. I REFUSE to be that woman's victim anymore!! I'm having many more good days than bad without her in my life  and that speaks volumes.

[guitarman]

Thank you. I have good days and bad days. I have times when my thoughts are positive, kind and generous. I have times when my negative thoughts are super self critical and insulting. I am trying to let go and just observe them non judgementally. They are just thoughts.

I try to be positive about what I have experienced. Life is a teacher. Now I know to look after myself more and that I matter as well. I now eat a plant based diet and am interested more in nutrition.

I have learnt a lot about myself. I have been to extreme emotional places that I never knew were possible. I've tested my limits of endurance and survived. I have learnt not to do idiot compassion any more.

There comes a time when we say to ourselves that we can't be abused any more. Enough is enough. We realise that someone else is projecting all their issues onto us.

I put up with the abuse from my uBPD/NPD sister for a long time because I didn't recognise it as abuse. I didn't know. Her abusive behaviour was just something that we all had to tolerate in our family. I thought that she had serious mental health issues and dare not confront her in case it made her behaviour worse and she harmed herself. Now I know that abusers are all about power and control.

We are not alone.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

Why I end my posts with

"Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting."

Keep calm.

I have learnt not to get on the emotional rollercoaster of my uBPD/NPD sister. She would try and provoke me into anger and to shout and scream back at her. I learnt not to feed her narcissistic supply, which is what she wanted. I became calm and indifferent. I learnt that I can't change anyone else's behaviour. I can only change and control my own. Mindfulness meditations have become fundamental for me to learn how to keep calm. I make sure to practice Mindfulness meditations every day.

Stay strong.

We need to work more on building our self esteem. We need to become more resilient. We need to become our own cheerleader and praise ourselves for what we have achieved. Abuse can impact our mental and physical health. Take care of your body. Eat well, sleep well and exercise. Do fun things. Bring joy back into your life. 

Stay safe.

Set firm boundaries and stick to them. Do whatever you need to do to stay safe. If that means going no contact then so be it. Abuse is never acceptable. You matter.

Keep posting.

It is important to keep connected with others who can support and help you. Healing and recovery take time. Share your experiences. You are not alone.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Boat Babe]

That's golden Guitarman. Rules for life 😁

[guitarman]

Yes indeed Boat Babe.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

I have joined The Depression Project. I get sent an inspirational email every morning. This was sent to me today and I thought it was very apt. I don't know where the quote is from or who wrote it.

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together."

https://thedepressionproject.com/

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

I participated in an online mental health carers support group yesterday. I haven't met up with this particular group for a long time. It was so good to reconnect with people I hadn't seen for so long and see new members as well.

The pandemic has made us all more able to connect online which for many is easier for them to access support. Many prefer having in person meetings instead and don't like using Zoom.

I realise that I need regular support to talk about my issues with other people who really understand.


Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you benefited from the meeting.

I agree that there are more opportunities online now than there were and that for me is a good thing to have come out of the pandemic. I don't much like Zoom, but I do hugely prefer online connections to in person, especially if I am dealing with personal issues. I found a site where I could work with a therapist online, in writing, quite a few years ago and it worked well for me. But I guess it did not work well for others (or maybe for her) because the site had closed down when I looked for it again. But I have just found and started using another online therapy site and it is proving good so far. There is an option to upgrade and have telephone or zoom meetings with my therapist if I wish and I might do that in time. But for now I would feel unable to be open and honest that way so everything in writing works well for me.

[guitarman]

I like to write as well, anonymously here. I have to identify myself on Zoom.

I have just participated in a group Zoom Mindfulness session. We had to keep our cameras on but remained muted.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[moglow]

It's hard, Guitarman, shutting off stuff that's been a part of us for so long. The big readjust for me is shutting off "her" voice in my head - I'll take silence over that chaos any and every day. It's not always easy, certainly not fun. Some days I breathe easier than others. The longer I don't talk to her, the easier/more comfortable it becomes.

[guitarman]

Thank you. Sometimes I'm a gibbering wreck from all the trauma I've experienced. I'm shaking inside. It's a stress response. I do Mindfulness meditations to help ground me.

I turn "What if?" into "What IS" that helps as well.

I get triggered so often. I fear being attacked. It can become overwhelming at times. It's difficult to relax. This is all CPTSD.

I participated in a live online Zoom Mindfulness meditation session this morning. That helps me.

I become aware of my breathing and observe my thoughts non judgementally.


Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

I come here most days. If I am not posting I am reading. I seem to be obsessed with my uBPD/NPD sister even though I've not been in contact with her for over two years. She still rages at me in my thoughts.

Past traumatic events get played over and over in my mind. There were happy joyful times with her and her family but the negativity bias of my thinking diminishes them. There were happy times but we never knew when the dark traumatic times would occur again. It was a constant rollercoaster of emotions. Her emotions were so extreme and often close together, switching rapidly between the lows and the highs. I was constantly fearing about her safety and the safety of everyone she came into contact with.

I am trying to let go of her and let her be. I am trying to find my inner peace. I am trying to find my quiet, calm mind again. I practice Mindfulness meditations regularly, that helps. I talk about my feelings more.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

I have a bad memory. I am living with depression and probably CPTSD. I find it difficult to plan ahead and make decisions.

I left some fresh items of food shopping I had brought home out of the fridge overnight by mistake. Thankfully it wasn't all ruined.

I make shopping lists but then forget to look at them in the shop.

I keep forgetting to take my mask with me. I like to still wear one when I enter a shop. No one else seems to be wearing them now.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Leonor]

Hi Guitarman,

That's okay.

It's okay to forget to put food in the fridge.

It's okay that the ice cream melted or the salad wilted or whatever.

It's okay that you forgot your mask.

It's okay that you feel uncomfortable with how other people are or aren't wearing masks.

It's okay that the depression makes it hard to plan stuff. Or remember stuff.

It's okay to feel sad.

It's okay to sometimes not feel very strong at all.

[guitarman]

Thank you.

My other siblings told me that our uBPD/NPD sister has been calling them withholding her phone number. She does this to trick them into talking to her, not knowing who is calling them.

When she used to visit me she would use my landline phone and call our siblings and her children. They would take her calls thinking it was me calling them. They wouldn't take her calls if they knew she was phoning them.

I have had separate visits from both adult children of my uBPD/NPD sister. I haven't seen them for a long time. It's been wonderful to see them.

The eldest has bought a house with his partner. It's hundreds of miles away from their mother. I'm SO pleased for them. They seem to be so happy. They have support from their partner's family.

We talked about my sister. They were happy to talk about her. They said that they have moved on and has no contact with her.

The other one also has no contact with her.

My uBPD/NPD has alienated everyone in our family. No one wants to have any contact with her any more. We've all had enough of her abusive and constant waif like behaviour.

I still fear meeting her. I don't like to work outside in the front garden in case she suddenly appears. I don't feel safe. I fear a confrontation as I never know how she will behave. I haven't had any contact with her for over two years. I never want to see her ever again.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

I'm getting triggered very easily at the moment. This brings up memories of my uBPD/NPD sister and her life threatening crisis dramas. I can't seem to stop thinking about all the trauma she has caused. Even labelling her behaviour as causing trauma or abuse feels disloyal.

However, if I look at her behaviour through my adult eyes and dispassionately this is what has been happening for years.

Our elderly father wanted to take an overdose because of her behaviour. He couldn't cope with all the loud rantings and threats. That keeps going around and around in my thoughts. None of us knew what to do to help her more, apart from keep giving her more and more money. That would calm her for a short period until she needed more.

I keep getting traumatised by thoughts of her behaviour. I haven't had contact with her for over two years but still she torments me.

All I ever wanted was for her to be calm and happy. I realise now that she probably never will be and that I can't change her into being the person that I wish she could be. Only she can do that.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[moglow]

I realise now that she probably never will be and that I can't change her into being the person that I wish she could be. Only she can do that.

Hold on to that and try to let go of the idea that it's anything you could possibly fix. She's just not the same person you are - she chose otherwise. I'm not saying she chose the dysfunction exactly but she didn't choose to change her responses to it. Her poison isn't and won't be yours. She CAN'T hurt you anymore. Some people need to stay at arms length or further, and sometimes we have to keep them there. Even if she were to show up in your life, you don't have to do anything. Walk away. Go inside. Shut her out of your mind. There are quiet calm happy places in there that you need to bring to the light. Focus on THAT!