Grey Rocking Feels Rude

[Lauren17]

Had a brief MIL visit this week. Normally I  like to welcome company with a homemade meal and spend time visiting or playing board games. In years past, this had been the perfect opportunity for MIL to insult me, my home, SC my DD, or pretend offense in order to garner 100% of DHs attention.
This time, we went out to eat, I sent the kids to bed the minute we got home, and I kept responses to a minimum.
Example: MIL says, How is your mom?
I reply, She's good!  And then I'm back to calm silence.
It worked! No passive aggressive behavior from her.
When she left then next morning, the guilt was heavy. I felt like I'd been unspeakably rude. Anyone else?

[Thru the Rain]

Oh yes, I get that feeling too.

I don't know your backstory, but I'm guessing that your MIL was unspeakably rude (or inappropriate or intrusive) for some period of time before you reached this point.

You didn't just wake up one day and decide to be "rude" to your MIL.

Instead I'll bet that you were first puzzled by MIL's behavior - enough so that you went searching on the internet to see if there were answers.

Then at some point you found this site, or a book, or a Youtube video, and the pieces started to fall into place for you.

Finally after maybe trying other things first, and after some long thought, you've come to the point of trying Gray Rock.

And during this whole process (which probably took weeks or months or even years), your MIL has continued to be unspeakably rude TO YOU and to your FOC.

You've earned the right to put some mental and emotional space between yourself and your MIL. Protecting yourself isn't rude.

[gettingstronger1]

It worked! No passive aggressive behavior from her.

Actually it sounds like the grey rock technique was very successful and accomplished the desired outcome.  Your MIL was not rude to you during the outing.  She may have gotten the message to be nice.  And like Through the Rain said, it is ok to protect yourself.  One thing that I do when using the grey rock technique is to make sure that I don't appear sullen or in a bad mood to any one in the group.  I try to keep a happy friendly demeanor to everyone, but it is ok to give brief coordial answers to your mother in law.  That way she can't say you are being curt to her, you just aren't engaging in her nonsense.  Then you don't have to feel guilty.  You are friendly and non hostile, but the answers are brief so there are no fights.  If she is pushing you to talk about something you don't want to talk about, you could either change the subject or politely let her know you don't want to talk about it.  If she becomes angry, you probably already know you can leave the room or the house, because arguing about something does no good.

[Associate of Daniel]

Unfortunately I've never got the hang of grey rock.  I find my uNPD too intimidating.

But I also know that no word I utter, even a simple "Hello", is safe with her.  Neither is my body language, mannerisms or tone of voice.

So I pretend she is not there and completely ignore her.

Thankfully she doesn't often approach me, but when she does I become completely tongue tied.

I HATE it.  My behaviour around her is rude - and so much the opposite of who I am with everyone else in my life.

I hope one day to be able to do small talk with her but currently that's not possible. And while she remains so rude and forceful to me, I can't see it happening in the future.

AOD

[HotCocoa]

Lauren, you did an amazing job!
Like AOD said, she can't even make small talk with her mil, that's how I was. 
I shut down while having thoughts of violence in my head when she was around.
I am not like that, I am not an aggressive person, but my ex mil is so toxic, I simply COULD NOT be around her anymore for any reason.
So frankly, if you can gray rock your way through a relationship when you have to then that's not called rude, that's called survival with
an nmil.   Do what you gotta do.

[GentleSoul]

Well done, you handled that really well.  It worked.

I very much relate to it feeling rude.  I felt that way with Grey Rock & Medium Chill at first.  I felt terribly uncomfortable and like I was being rude.

I gradually got used to it and it feels entirely comfortable and natural now.

I think reality was that I was far too accommodating, people pleasing, co-dependent before.  I tolerated much too much from PD's and people in general.  I think I am in the middle "normal" ground now.  Not at the extreme end. 

[bloomie]

When she left then next morning, the guilt was heavy. I felt like I'd been unspeakably rude. Anyone else?

Yes! Until I learned that it is my responsibility to discern if an individual is safe and trustworthy enough to be someone to have access to the full warmth and hospitality that it is my innate nature to offer to others.

Boundless, unending openness to someone who has proven, consistently over time, that they will take advantage of privileged moments of what are intended by me to be loving times of connection in my home, family, the emotional atmosphere of my life, is not appropriate. It is not healthy or necessary to offer someone who does not manage their behaviors and words in respectful ways toward me the most precious and choice parts of myself, my life, my personal info.

It does feel rude at first to move to a level of emotional, physical engagement that is cool, neutral, polite, controlled, and measured. But thankfully... feelings are not equal to facts. It is not rude. It is healthy, respectful, mature and authentic to engage in relationship with people who chose to bring harm and angst into our lives in limited and neutral ways.

You used an important tool and strategy and it worked!! Bravo!

[Cat of the Canals]

I know exactly what you mean. And in a normal scenario, with a non-PD person who is trying to genuinely connect to you, maybe it would be rude. But that isn't what's happening with your MIL. There's no genuine connection to have, she simply isn't capable if she'd PD. Remember that you're dealing with someone that takes every little nugget you give and stores it up to use as ammunition later.

We set a clear boundary with my uPD MIL two years ago: please do not come to our house without making plans with us in advance. She has continued the drop-ins anyway. And why wouldn't she? We have, in the past, always dropped everything to entertain her when she shows up, regardless of whether she was an expected guest or not.

Since we stated the boundary, sometimes my husband ignores her calls and texts letting us know she's "in town!" Other times he feels obligated to acknowledge her. (Part of this is that his brother ends up getting stuck alone with her the whole visit if we don't "intervene." I know its not our problem, but H does feel some guilt about that.)

It's his mother and his choice, so I always let him decide how he will handle it. But I have my own way of handling it, and that is: I will not make time for people who don't respect my time. She obviously thinks I have nothing better to do than wait around for her unexpected visits. (Absurd, since we both work from home. We are literally ALWAYS BUSY.) So now I make it clear that's not the case. Sometimes I stay around long enough to say hello, other times I don't even greet her. Then I spend the visit in my office, with headphones on, doing work, chores, or hobbies.

It was hard the first few times. I felt rude and like she was most certainly judging me for it. (And she probably was.)
"Is it really that hard to entertain her for a few hours?" a voice in my head would ask.
"Is it really that hard for her to make plans with us?" a new voice would ask.

My own PD mother raised me to be a codependent doormat, so grey rocking and enforcing consequences to boundary violations goes against everything I was taught. But I feel a lot less angry than I used to. A lot less resentful. And I know now that I am strong enough and confident enough to protect myself.

Keep going. Believe in yourself. Always put your well-being above so-called "politeness."

[Associate of Daniel]

Sorry. I should have explained.  My person with uNPD isn't my MIL.  It's my uNPD exH's uNPD wife, stepmother to my ds12.

Hopefully everyone understands all those letters and numbers! 🙂

AOD

[Laurie]

It does feel rude at first to move to a level of emotional, physical engagement that is cool, neutral, polite, controlled, and measured. But thankfully... feelings are not equal to facts. It is not rude. It is healthy, respectful, mature and authentic to engage in relationship with people who chose to bring harm and angst into our lives in limited and neutral ways.

Medium chill has saved me in some very difficult moments with nasty people.  While I would strongly prefer warm open discussions where I could let my guard down, they simply aren't possible with certain people.  I used to "take the bait" too often and with my optimistic trusting attitude unknowingly hand over the ammunition to be used against me.  Although it does feel awkward at times, Medium chill is more polite than losing one's temper and saying what one is actually thinking. 

[Lauren17]

Oh yes, I get that feeling too.

I don't know your backstory, but I'm guessing that your MIL was unspeakably rude (or inappropriate or intrusive) for some period of time before you reached this point.

You didn't just wake up one day and decide to be "rude" to your MIL.

Instead I'll bet that you were first puzzled by MIL's behavior - enough so that you went searching on the internet to see if there were answers.

Then at some point you found this site, or a book, or a Youtube video, and the pieces started to fall into place for you.

Finally after maybe trying other things first, and after some long thought, you've come to the point of trying Gray Rock.

And during this whole process (which probably took weeks or months or even years), your MIL has continued to be unspeakably rude TO YOU and to your FOC.

An excellent summary ThroughtheRain.
The only part you missed was years of DH telling me I was overly sensitive, bossy or that his mom was confused and forgetful.
Thank you for your kind words.

[Lauren17]

Thank you for the responses. I didn't realize how much I needed positive feedback until I received it. 

[all4peace]

Bloomie recently posted a video link that I keep re-referencing on this forum because I have found it so helpful. Intimacy isn't something other people are entitled to, it's something we gift them when they have over time and throughout many circumstances shown themselves to be loving, supportive, trustworthy, respectful. This video does a great job of explaining the loving way we treat the "scary" people in our lives: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3l3ST7z7ps&t=27s

It's uncomfortable to change our behavior. We can convince ourselves that we're being mean and cruel. Really, what you describe of yourself is very polite behavior. That you continue to make room for your MIL is kindness. She isn't entitled to ALL of you, because of her past behavior. Really, she isn't entitled to all of you (even if she was a wonderful person) simply because that's yours to decide, regardless of her behavior.

You done good! Let go of that guilt. It seems like it may be misplaced

[Breakthrough]

Lots of great advice already, I just wanted to add that grey rocking felt rude to me at first too, especially since I had to walk back being super open with my NPD MIL.  She definitely noticed and was offended.  She still tries to create conversations with me to pick up details to stir up trouble.  I have to remember the only way I can interact with her is to keep a healthy emotional distance, for my own sanity and to preserve any relationship.  If you think of it that way, it is not rude, but considerate of the space the relationship needs in order to be maintained

[StayWithMe]

That's the difference between us and them.  I can't imagine the verbal entanglements that my mother was once able to create with me as nothing more blood sport in her mind. 

These days I keep answers short and sweet so there is nothing to play with and I've stopped feeling bad about it.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Lots of good advice. I'd like to point out we're going against our codependent programming, which is to have zero boundaries. We've absorbed the message for so long that the PD in our life is entitled to every scrap of information, our every thought, to take over our life if they so choose. Going against the status quo, starting to malfunction from their point of view, is going to feel strange at first. It's okay.