"Let bygones be bygones"

[Phoenix Rising]

Is this a classic PD move or what?

DH received this message today from PDMIL (loosely translated in English):

"We miss you. Can't we let bygones be bygones?"

Neither of us have done anything wrong and have been living our lives since the last incident. FIL and PDMIL haven't reached out until now.. only seemingly to suggest that WE need to forgive or drop the tension SHE caused everything. Still no apology.   

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Yes, it is classic. The PD parent wants you to dismiss their bad behavior. I have heard that many times as well as a similar "tomorrow is another day." 
I think using such a cliche is an attempt to put the responsibility back on the abused individual. It is blame shifting. They recognize you did not like their behavior and have pulled away as a result. Instead of dealing with what they did, they are dealing with your reaction. My parents have done this frequently and it always felt to me like they saw a flaming bag of pooh coming toward them, but instead of dealing with it they tip it over the fence to you to deal with. If you do nothing, they just stand there appalled at why you are not walking around with that bag.

[Adria]

 

[GentleSoul]

This has been my experience too, we are meant to just forget the bad behaviour. 

[GettingOOTF]

My uncle is a well meaning FM. He recently referred to my estrangement as a family row that he tries not to get involved  in and then went on to say how my father genuinely doesn’t understand why I am NC. Despite both my uncle and I telling him numerous times over my life exactly what he did that upset me.

It’s like I’m supposed to just sweep it all under the rug, let bygones be bygones. My BPDxH was the same. The issue is that they aren’t doing the work so nothing will change. It’s really infuriating because it makes me want to defend myself, which I know is the last thing I should do.

I should add that this was the only time I ever addressed the issue with my uncle and it was to tell him to stop passing on news so there is nothing for him to get in the middle of.

[all4peace]

You are not alone. It can be crazy making to get messages like this. I've often felt the urge to re-explain everything all over again. In the end DH and I have learned how to sidestep or ignore. It's tough, though.

[Phoenix Rising]

Yes, it is classic. The PD parent wants you to dismiss their bad behavior. I have heard that many times as well as a similar "tomorrow is another day." 
I think using such a cliche is an attempt to put the responsibility back on the abused individual. It is blame shifting. They recognize you did not like their behavior and have pulled away as a result. Instead of dealing with what they did, they are dealing with your reaction. My parents have done this frequently and it always felt to me like they saw a flaming bag of pooh coming toward them, but instead of dealing with it they tip it over the fence to you to deal with. If you do nothing, they just stand there appalled at why you are not walking around with that bag.

Thanks for sharing this. Yes I agree with you.. that's what this message came off as to me. When DH told me, we both were thinking "Wait, wth? Sounds like she's blaming us". I'm glad that DH could see this for himself, without me having to say anything. He didn't appear inclined to respond or to have a desire to communicate with her.

We haven't officially gone NC or anything but there hasn't been any reason for us to contact them. They have chosen to be distant and awkward, so this message from PDMIL just seemed like a way to fault us for their choices, behaviour, etc. 

[Phoenix Rising]

This has been my experience too, we are meant to just forget the bad behaviour.

The message really came across this way. When this has happened to you, have you felt any strange feelings/thoughts? Atm, I'm divided between knowing I didn't do anything wrong/don't deserve abuse yet the suggestion that we need to let bygones be bygones has me wondering if I am holding a grudge? I don't *think* I am.. I just don't trust PDMIL/want to get sucked into the drama and I realize I need to limit contact with PD people while I heal.

[Phoenix Rising]

My uncle is a well meaning FM. He recently referred to my estrangement as a family row that he tries not to get involved  in and then went on to say how my father genuinely doesn't understand why I am NC. Despite both my uncle and I telling him numerous times over my life exactly what he did that upset me.

It's like I'm supposed to just sweep it all under the rug, let bygones be bygones. My BPDxH was the same. The issue is that they aren't doing the work so nothing will change. It's really infuriating because it makes me want to defend myself, which I know is the last thing I should do.

I should add that this was the only time I ever addressed the issue with my uncle and it was to tell him to stop passing on news so there is nothing for him to get in the middle of.

Sorry that you have been through this also. It is something I've seen in a past relationship with NPD/ASPD. I think after one has explained what the PD has done (and that goes through one ear and out the other), one has to avoid getting into the trap of explaining and defending over and over and over again. They seem to thrive on knowing that they got to you and they would rather blame you than actually do the work necessary to repair the relationship.

[Phoenix Rising]

You are not alone. It can be crazy making to get messages like this. I've often felt the urge to re-explain everything all over again. In the end DH and I have learned how to sidestep or ignore. It's tough, though.

Thanks for the support. It isn't easy, but I am thankful I don't really have any direct communication with PDMIL via telephone, FB and so on. That helps..  I feel for my DH. At the same time, he seems to be handling it well. He hasn't responded or had the urge to explain/defend himself or us. This looks like progress 

[LemonLime]

This sounds like a version of DARVO...
Deny
Attack
Reverse Victim and Offender


My uPD sis does it all the time.   Accuses me of "holding a grudge" after she rages at me and I go Medium Chill on her.

[GentleSoul]

This has been my experience too, we are meant to just forget the bad behaviour.

The message really came across this way. When this has happened to you, have you felt any strange feelings/thoughts? Atm, I'm divided between knowing I didn't do anything wrong/don't deserve abuse yet the suggestion that we need to let bygones be bygones has me wondering if I am holding a grudge? I don't *think* I am.. I just don't trust PDMIL/want to get sucked into the drama and I realize I need to limit contact with PD people while I heal.

Thank you for asking.  I felt the same way as you mention.  At first I wondered if I was holding a grudge or maybe overreacting.  I think for me, when the same thing kept happening with the PD's in my family, I began to see that it was not me.  That my reaction was a perfectly reasonable one.

I eventually went No Contact with some of the PD's who did this, and I use the fabulous Medium Chill tool (in the Toolbox here) to cope with the PD still in my life. 

I learnt that me "forgiving and forgetting"  ALWAYS lead me getting hurt again.  PD's do not change their behaviours.

Sending best wishes to you.

[Phoenix Rising]

This has been my experience too, we are meant to just forget the bad behaviour.

The message really came across this way. When this has happened to you, have you felt any strange feelings/thoughts? Atm, I'm divided between knowing I didn't do anything wrong/don't deserve abuse yet the suggestion that we need to let bygones be bygones has me wondering if I am holding a grudge? I don't *think* I am.. I just don't trust PDMIL/want to get sucked into the drama and I realize I need to limit contact with PD people while I heal.

Thank you for asking.  I felt the same way as you mention.  At first I wondered if I was holding a grudge or maybe overreacting.  I think for me, when the same thing kept happening with the PD's in my family, I began to see that it was not me.  That my reaction was a perfectly reasonable one.

I eventually went No Contact with some of the PD's who did this, and I use the fabulous Medium Chill tool (in the Toolbox here) to cope with the PD still in my life. 

I learnt that me "forgiving and forgetting"  ALWAYS lead me getting hurt again.  PD's do not change their behaviours.

Sending best wishes to you.

I think it's good that you were able to accept that it's them and not you. Medium Chill is really good for the ones that we must deal with, I'm glad you mentioned that. I'm considering trying it with PDMIL since while I'd prefer to have NC, DH will want to have some contact. Have had the same experience whenever I've tried to forgive and forget.. would rather cut her out for myself but I feel some obligation to consider DH's feelings:/

[Phoenix Rising]

This sounds like a version of DARVO...
Deny
Attack
Reverse Victim and Offender


My uPD sis does it all the time.   Accuses me of "holding a grudge" after she rages at me and I go Medium Chill on her.

Never heard of that acronym before but it makes a lot of sense and I feel that's exactly what PDMIL is doing.

How do you find Medium Chill to work in your situation? Has it been successful in any way?

[treesgrowslowly]

Jumping in here regarding the question of medium chill and DARVO.

In my opinion medium chill might work but it requires you to really understand what is going on and accept that this really is the situation you are in. In other words, a sort of opposite of their DARVO.
You can't deny that the person has a PD, you can't attack them for having a PD, and you refuse to buy their story regarding who is the victim.

In my experience, you'll be alone in your awareness of what is really happening during these "apologies", but from the sounds of it you are alone in recognizing that so far.

It requires a lot more energy to do medium chill than one might think. In my opinion. Because you will be dealing with the behaviours of someone who won't 'fight fair' essentially.

Your medium chill will be misunderstood by those who remain in the fog. That doesn't mean its wrong , it means they don't see your boundaries as valid.

[Starboard Song]

It's a classic move.

Our message was clear: this is not about anything that has happened before. We are gald to forgive anything in the past. This is about a long-term pattern that must never again recurr. And we require acknowledgement of that long-term pattern as a minimum step towards remedial transformation.

The problem, that is to say, is the future.