Bad Mouthing MIL

[Jesse7319]

Hey all, me again here looking for advice about my unwavering MIL. Typical NPD. My H has been VLC with her but today he called her and they spoke for almost 2 hours. The first 40 minutes of the phone call, from what I could hear (he was in the basement and I was upstairs but he had the phone on speaker) was her badmouthing me. Over and over. At one point I heard her tell my H I need mental help. Like oookkk I'm the one who needs mental help.... Anyway, from what I could tell my H wasn't really playing into it, he would respond with things like "that's not fair" and she would tell him something bad he apparently said about me in the past and he would say "no I never said that". Then I heard them talking about my reasons for doing things. Like oh she probably did this because of this and she felt this way because of that, which really gets under my skin because my H is giving her ammunition to use against me, and also because he is incorrect about my reasons for doing things and I don't want her thinking something that isn't true. (Example she tried to come visit us recently but I found out she lied about something to do with the visit and then I didn't want her to come, H told her I just got anxiety about having to see her and that's why we canceled, he wouldn't tell her it was because she lied because that would make her act out on him) I also don't want her having any insight into my mind, be it the truth or something H made up. I don't want to bring any of this up with H because lately it always turns into a fight about how I'm in the wrong and his mother isn't. We used to be on the same page with her but the last few months he decided she can't do any wrong again. I just am not sure if there is anything I should say or do about her bad mouthing me to him? Or about him giving her a glimpse into my mind? I don't want to start a fight because I know MIL's goal is to cause drama between us but I am really bothered by the phone call.

Thanks for reading

[BeanerJane]

Your problem isn't so much your MIL as it is your husband.  He's JADEing all over the place.  It's perfectly fine for him to say 'We're not coming/doing the thing you want us to do/acting the way you want us to because WE DON'T WANT TO.  Doesn't sound like a good time.  We're eating crackers naked at that time.  Or the more polite - No thanks!  He needs to pull WAAAAYYYY back from her.  I assume you are adults with your own income, your own residence, and are in command of all aspects of your life without her input or financial support.  So say no and don't justify it.  What is she going to do?  Put you in the corner?  Spank your bottom?  Take away your phone?  She has no control here.  Your husband should be telling her that the topics she's bringing up are not open for discussion. 

You have my sympathy.  She sounds terrible.  I hope you guys can successfully pull away from her manipulation.

[Jesse7319]

Thank you for your reply! I completely agree with you and I have tried telling H this before and he agrees but once he gets on the phone with her it all goes out the window. She has a way of demanding information and he just gives in not wanting to get her worked up. I have watched him try to grey rock her, try not to give her the info she is digging for and he ends up failing in the end because she starts getting worked up so he gives in. She will just push harder and harder, to a point where I would just hang up but he is too conditioned not to do that. Sigh.

Your problem isn't so much your MIL as it is your husband.  He's JADEing all over the place.  It's perfectly fine for him to say 'We're not coming/doing the thing you want us to do/acting the way you want us to because WE DON'T WANT TO.  Doesn't sound like a good time.  We're eating crackers naked at that time.  Or the more polite - No thanks!  He needs to pull WAAAAYYYY back from her.  I assume you are adults with your own income, your own residence, and are in command of all aspects of your life without her input or financial support.  So say no and don't justify it.  What is she going to do?  Put you in the corner?  Spank your bottom?  Take away your phone?  She has no control here.  Your husband should be telling her that the topics she's bringing up are not open for discussion. 

You have my sympathy.  She sounds terrible.  I hope you guys can successfully pull away from her manipulation.

[Hilltop]

Sorry you are going through this, it is really hard.  Your situation sounded a lot like mine.  DH was conditioned to respond to MIL and tell her everything.  In a lot of ways our DH's are making the whole situation worse by not shutting down these conversations.  Your MIL saying that you have mental problems is maybe in response to your DH talking about your anxiety, which he shouldn't be doing but they are conditioned to tell MIL everything and it's a hard habit to break. 

I think you are right, in that if you bring it up it could possibly turn into a fight, I remember most of our talks ended the same way.  One thing that worked for me was not discussing MIL as such but discussing myself and DH so rather than saying "MIL shouldn't be talking about my mental health" I would say "DH please don't talk about my anxiety with anyone else, it's personal and it's my business and I don't want anyone else knowing".  DH would just get defensive as soon as MIL's name was mentioned so I found it helped to keep the conversation focused on what I needed.  My DH couldn't see MIL's manipulations either, it's frustrating but if I tried to point it out he just got defensive and shut down so if I kept it focused on myself it made it easier.

Another thing that worked well was telling DH that he should redirect MIL to me if she had a problem with me.  So I said to him "MIL and I are adults, we have our own relationship,  you shouldn't be in the middle of it.  If your mother has an issue or problem with me please tell her to talk to me directly about it, you shouldn't be in the middle, we are adults and should handle our own relationship.  If your mother keeps asking you about me please keep referring her to me, I won't discuss it with you any more".

The reason I did this is because our MIL's are only talking to our DH's to bad mouth us and possibly divide and conquer.  I knew my MIL wouldn't approach me but I really did prefer that if she had a problem with me to discuss it with me.  DH did actually say this to MIL and it shut down the conversation and her ability to bad mouth me to him.  At the time I was VLC with her and of course she would never voice anything to me in person but it gave DH an out.  He didn't really know what to say and given an out he took it.  I am not sure how you feel about this but it helped me.  It also helped DH as he didn't know how to get out of these conversations with his mother.

One last thing, I really stopped listening to their conversations, go outside, put in earphones, listen to music or turn on the TV.  The less you hear the better.  I stopped talking about her and asking about her.  The less I knew the better.  As long as she wasn't interfering in my life and staying away from our house I was happy.  Dh was free to go visit her but I created my own space and I needed it to heal.  Yes at first the curiosity killed me but after a while it was peaceful.  Your DH will bring anything that involves you to your attention so I found limiting the information coming in helped me.  I hope you are able to discuss this phone call with your DH, give yourself some time to consider what you want to say.  It is so frustrating when it ends in an argument.