Still not over stepFIL yelling at me

[palmtreeparadise]

I can't get along with FIL

So I prior to the holidays l had a HUGE falling out with FIL (husbands step dad) I have for many years noticed favoritism in the family, my SIL and BIL (husbands brother) live close to the in-laws and see them very frequently, they have their grandchildren too.

So it's definitely understandable but I dislike constant blatant favoritism .. FIL constantly makes it clear on Facebook who he favors, always posting Even just random photos of them about how proud he is of them. He gives them shout outs on Facebook congratulating them for their home, their success and birthdays, etc. leaving DH out - it's insane.

DH and I are typically forgotten. I finally lost it, I sent a message regarding my mental health and needing distance from this dynamic, (in laws love doing monthly dinners) I provided examples and why I felt this way. FIL went ballistic. He sent me a long text cursing back at me, told me it was my fault and I wasn't making any effort to see them and MAYBE if I saw them he'd post about us. He said he's was sick and tired of my behavior (because I have brought this up before).

Ok, I decided to call because I didn't want to fight over text as things can get misconstrued. And our call he immediately started yelling at me. I am not sure how I can move past this, I didn't yell and I just wanted an adult conversation and it wasn't my intention to upset anyone.

So I called, we fought and yelled because the call started off with him being super defensive. MIL had to get in the middle because he literally threw a tantrum and said he didn't want to speak to me.

Long story short I had to apologize because MIL asked me to, he apologized as well and all seems fine I guess.

But idk where to go from here!!!! I am clearly not liked and there's always going to be a distance and clash with me and step FIL. I was just shocked a grown man would talk to someone like this. Especially since I felt I had approached it with valid facts and how I felt without pointing blame or anything, just expressed my feelings.

Idk where I stand in this family, luckily my DH is on my side and agreed with the message I sent and said FIL message was way uncalled for.

However I seriously don't want to see him and I have a wall built up and don't think I can get as comfortable as I used to be. I just still to this day - don't trust him. Last time I saw them was the holidays so thankfully I have been LC.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome palmtreeparadise! I am really glad you have joined us, but so sorry for the angst your fil's behaviors are bringing into your life.

However I seriously don't want to see him and I have a wall built up and don't think I can get as comfortable as I used to be. I just still to this day - don't trust him. Last time I saw them was the holidays so thankfully I have been LC.

This makes complete sense to me and sounds like a wise conclusion after your fil's treatment of your hurts and concerns. It took a lot for you to speak out about his choices that are creating strife and possible division. It seems like you did that from a place of love and in hopes of you both better understanding each other. 

DH and I are typically forgotten. I finally lost it, I sent a message regarding my mental health and needing distance from this dynamic, (in laws love doing monthly dinners) I provided examples and why I felt this way. FIL went ballistic. He sent me a long text cursing back at me, told me it was my fault and I wasn't making any effort to see them and MAYBE if I saw them he'd post about us. He said he's was sick and tired of my behavior (because I have brought this up before).

It is often as we marry into a family that we have enough distance from the dynamic to see the harm being done by things like blatant favoritism and call it out and refuse to play along. We refuse to continue to cooperate with a norm that says it is okay to have monthly 'family dinners' with someone who does not treat us with at least a reasonable level of equity, love, and favor. And act as if it is appropriate for a mil to insist a dil apologize after your fil was incredibly disrespectful.  That is unbelievable invalidation of the damage your fil's outburst and toddler like temper tantrum has done.

It is good you are not going along with rug sweeping. It is good that you are marking this as a possible sentinel moment in your relationship and level of contact with your fil (and possibly mil?). It is healthy and right that you are not going toward people who act this way toward you and your DH. It is also good you are processing how much this attack has hurt you and broken your trust.

I am wondering where your DH is in all of this? What his response has been and how well able he is to see the dysfunction at work in his family of origin (FOO) and how that is playing out?

As you are new here, I also want to point you toward the resources at the drop down tabs above and throughout the forum boards. We have books and vids, other online resources that the community has found really helpful. The conversations and validation they have brought into my own very painful in law circumstances have been invaluable for me, and I hope they will be for you.

A very good book that I have just been reading that may good for you and your DH to possibly read together is 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life, by Bill Eddy. It is possible that your fil, along with having some disordered traits (found in the drop down tab above) may be prone to high conflict behavior. I have learned a lot from this book about how to navigate those in my own in law dynamic that I have experienced as high conflict from Eddy's work.

Keep sharing and coming back. Keep reading, learning, staying connected to your DH. You are determinedly turning away from conflict and are  turning toward peace and healing. Sending strength and understanding to you! So glad you are here.

[Cat of the Canals]

Idk where I stand in this family, luckily my DH is on my side and agreed with the message I sent and said FIL message was way uncalled for.

I think it's pretty obvious where you stand: in a place where you do not receive mutual respect or appreciation. A place where you are "not allowed" to voice frustration or anger or set boundaries. A place where your FIL decides what scraps he thinks you deserve based on how well you serve his needs.

However I seriously don't want to see him and I have a wall built up and don't think I can get as comfortable as I used to be. I just still to this day - don't trust him. Last time I saw them was the holidays so thankfully I have been LC.

Good. I don't think you should trust him, and that's reason enough to not want to see someone.

I sense some discomfort with this, though. Whether that's fear of repercussions or that it's bothersome to "not be liked." If it's the former, what's to fear? That he'll continue disliking you? He's already going to do that, as long as you don't fall in line. If it's the latter, screw him. Who would want to be liked by someone who treats people this way?

And if it's just simple old guilt, that feeling that you're "supposed" to want to spend time with family? Well, that's just a load of horse crap. You married your husband, not your jerk FIL. You are under no obligation to spend time with someone who treats you with such contempt.

I would treat this as a wake-up call. Permission to drop the rope. He's made it quite clear how he feels about you. Leave him to it.

[palmtreeparadise]

Hi! Thank you so much for the warm welcome I'm looking forward to being apart of a supportive group !

My DH has noticed the favoritism a bit - it does not get to him as much as it does to me. I find that the favoritism is triggering to me and it would just have to be my #1 pet peeve. DH is super sweet and just so easy going he doesn't mind what others are doing he's kind of just in his own world.... in the fog? I on the other hand - suffer with anxiety and i always analyze people and behaviors so i have noticed the little things over the last 3-4 years.

I have since luckily, not involved myself in monthly dinners. I had actually asked MIL and Step FIL that i do way better in smaller social groups - and its been so difficult for me to have to go and see them, SIL, BIL and their child. I just prefer more intimate settings where i can get to know people better. I expressed these feelings many times but they insist because step FIL did not have a close family growing up that he really really wants a close family and to get together and such. So - in this case my boundaries were not really respected. But - we have then stopped the monthly dinners thankfully.

It was very difficult when MIL asked me to apologize. I of course did not understand why i had to. I had cried because of the way he'd yelled at me and MIL had to take the phone away from step FIL because he refused to talk to me and talk things through. I remained calm but of course.. emotional. MIL talked with me and tried to understand where this favoritism is coming from and i made it clear and gave examples. Not sure if it did any good since i had to apologize but he apologized as well so i guess that settled things.

I showed DH the initial text and he was definitely shocked by his behavior. Not much else to it though, he thinks i am holding a grudge but personally i don't feel like i am. I have no animosity towards step FIL but i will have my guard up and protect myself after being apart of this altercation.

i will most definitely check all the resources on here  and i really enjoy reading books, they have helped me immensely just to understand myself and the dynamic. Thanks for the book recommendation - i have just bought it and I am excited to read it. I will have to read up more on high conflict behavior to get a better understanding on if step FIL is prone to that.

I have many more stories to share of course and i look forward to learning more and being apart of this community as we all navigate the different dynamics.

[palmtreeparadise]

I think it's pretty obvious where you stand: in a place where you do not receive mutual respect or appreciation. A place where you are "not allowed" to voice frustration or anger or set boundaries. A place where your FIL decides what scraps he thinks you deserve based on how well you serve his needs.

Good. I don't think you should trust him, and that's reason enough to not want to see someone.
I sense some discomfort with this, though. Whether that's fear of repercussions or that it's bothersome to "not be liked." If it's the former, what's to fear? That he'll continue disliking you? He's already going to do that, as long as you don't fall in line. If it's the latter, screw him. Who would want to be liked by someone who treats people this way?
And if it's just simple old guilt, that feeling that you're "supposed" to want to spend time with family? Well, that's just a load of horse crap. You married your husband, not your jerk FIL. You are under no obligation to spend time with someone who treats you with such contempt.

I would treat this as a wake-up call. Permission to drop the rope. He's made it quite clear how he feels about you. Leave him to it.

Oh absolutely - i felt like i was not allowed to voice my frustration at all - and in return he blamed me for how i felt. He had said it was my fault  and my problem for feeling this way. It was definitely clear he has no respect.

i feel like I am conflicted because DH wants me at the family events - like the holidays and birthdays and stuff. And for that i feel kind of guilt for resisting. I want to be there for DH but i refuse to get comfortable and be open with his family since this happened.

[bee well]

Hi palmtreeparadise,

Welcome to Out of the FOG!

You responded on a post of mine, thanks again! I thought I would come over continue the conversation here.

Good for you for standing up to FIL! Losing your temper is unpleasant to say the least, but it is is a natural response to defend yourself when you are being provoked. You do not deserve to be yelled at in any circumstances. That is verbal abuse.

You have taken some very important steps by informing yourself, and have also set an important boundary by  changing the setting and limiting contact with the Inlaws.

I think you have got some good responses here. This forum is such a  source of (much needed) support. It's so helpful to have outside opinions when you are dealing with the issues we are talking about here. Personally speaking, this place has in many cases helped me to avoid the isolation that can increase self doubt.

I would like to reinforce the point that was made about not thinking about whether FIL likes you are not. When you do your best to be courteous and respectful and then get treated poorly, the one treating you poorly does not deserve to be liked, or any other of your energy for that matter, unless necessary. At best, someone so rude and inconsiderate merits grey rock to get you through family gatherings. Grey rock doesn't always feel good (at least for me), and it isn't perfect every time but I look at it as harm reduction. (Progress not perfection, right?) The more you practice it the easier it gets, and it's empowering to look back later to look back and see the that you have set boundaries.

Speaking of likes, The favoritism is not "just you." It's petty and feels awful. I am sorry you are dealing with that. Social media, unfortunately, is a place where that dynamic is enforced in a very insidiously, gaslight-y way. I would limit my exposure to that if possible. Obviously that's just my opinion--it's a personal choice that depends on your communication style.

I would not think so much about the past way of handling things...you didn't know then what you know now. The ILs are not conscientious as you are and so I would not expect them to change, although they could confuse you with intermittent "nice" behaviour. Beware of this--long term patterns are, in my view, what you want to pay attention to.

Focussing on boundaries and practicing being calm and how to respond in various scenarios is definitely a help. You might not always be calm, but being calmer is a good start ( Jerry Wise said something similar. He's a family and relationship counselor on youtube. I find him really helpful. Not sure if he would resonate with you but you might want to check him out.)

That's my two cents..

Best of all to you as you continue to navigate the Inlaw dynamic.

See you around the forum! :=)

[Hilltop]

The hard thing with inlaws is that you are the one from the outside and when you have an entire family or group telling you that you are wrong it is really hard to step back and ignore that.  You wrote "Not sure if it did any good since i had to apologize but he apologized as well so i guess that settled things".  Are things settled?  Your MIL asked both of you to apologise like you are children and then once that was done, it is suppose to be over.  Your FIL did not apologise on his own, do you even feel it was genuine?  He spent most of his time blaming you telling you your feelings are your own fault and denying the favouritism.  A fake apology doesn't fix that or anything. 

Your feelings are not wrong.  It's hurtful to have favouritism in a family, it's hurtful to have your feelings dismissed by being told it's your fault for feeling that way, it's hurtful to be yelled at, it's hurtful to have your feelings ignored and your boundaries stomped on.

You say your step FIL didn't grow up in a close family and he wants that now however he engages in favouritism and he yells and blames everyone else for the problems that occur.  It really does sound like he grew up in a dysfunctional family and is carrying on unhealthy dynamics he learned there.  I saw that you like to read.  I read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature parents" by Lindsay C Gibson.  It was really good in outlining behaviours in these types of families and how problems are handled poorly by parents who are emotionally immature.  I think it would relate to how the family dynamics are with your in-laws.  You say you are triggered by the favouritism.  Why is that (you don't have to answer).  If you are seeing patterns from your own family then this may be an indication of old hurts which need to be healed.  I say this because that's what happened with me.  I had problems with my in-laws and then further down the track realised that most of the hurt lay from my own FOO and I was being triggered by my in-laws.

You can put boundaries in place if you feel you need them, you don't need to ask for permission or for them to be ok with it.  You can block them on social media.  This is something I would do.  If SM is causing a lot of these problems then block them or if you are uncomfortable with that restrict them so much you don't see their feed and they don't see yours.

At the moment it sounds like you need some time away from them and that is understandable, being yelled at is verbal abuse and is not ok.  Your FIL is blaming you when he could have easily have just said "hey now is not a good time to talk, I'm really upset, lets leave it till another day' but he didn't.  He yelled at you and then told you it's all your fault.  No self reflection there at all with your FIL.

I have recently been listening to Dr Ramani on YouTube and she has many video's.  They are fairly short and it is worth while to listen to get some understanding of the dynamics that are at play.  I remember when I took time out my MIL started saying I was holding a grudge (again with the blaming) and then cried that I didn't like her (true) and of course played victim.  Your in laws will most likely do it all and that's ok, ignore it.

You seem to worry that FIL doesn't like you.  Serious question do you like him?  Be honest, do you?  Do you respect him?  Would you like to be friends with him if he wasn't your step FIL?  Why are you so concerned about his feelings, what about yours?  Do you think his feelings are more important than yours?  You don't have to answer any of these but I remember the first time I was asked if I even liked MIL, at first I couldn't admit it but when I finally admitted it and said I didn't, it felt quite freeing.   

It is really hard to navigate and a lot depends on your DH, how understanding he is, how supportive, how much in the FOG he is.

[palmtreeparadise]

Hi palmtreeparadise,

Welcome to Out of the FOG!

You responded on a post of mine, thanks again! I thought I would come over continue the conversation here.

Good for you for standing up to FIL! Losing your temper is unpleasant to say the least, but it is is a natural response to defend yourself when you are being provoked. You do not deserve to be yelled at in any circumstances. That is verbal abuse.

Thanks so much - yes i luckily did stay calm except when his screaming went over my regular voice - i definitely lost it for a second and then he ended up hanging up. I was the one to call back because i did not want to back down and let things end the way they did. I truly just wanted to talk things through. Absolutely - verbal abuse. 

Yes - i have been grey rocking since then. Its interesting because SFIL has been kind of going out of his way and if he is in the area he offers to bring me coffee. Me being my cautious self keep checking if he spat in it hahah... but still i am cautious and gestures like that do not mean as much to me since what occurred.

Thank you for validating my feelings about the favoritism. I have removed all of them from social media and honestly it is WAY better for me this way - i am in a better place mentally and their tactics cant get to me. It really did bother me that he would post about BIL AND SIL (BIL'S wife) and he posted BIL happy birthday and his son happy birthday as well - once it came around to DH birthday... nothing was posted. Fine - but either you post everyone or no one at all because i find that extremely unfair. I didn't say anything about that because at that point it was after this altercation and clearly he was still up to his tactics. I have never understood why he doesn't just text or call family - why does he flaunt and post it for all to see?

Yes - the whole dropping off coffee to me and being all nice is their way of confusing me with intermittent "nice" behavior! I am definitely paying attention to things like that and still have a bit of a guard up.

Thank you for your response

[palmtreeparadise]

The hard thing with inlaws is that you are the one from the outside and when you have an entire family or group telling you that you are wrong it is really hard to step back and ignore that.  You wrote "Not sure if it did any good since i had to apologize but he apologized as well so i guess that settled things".  Are things settled?  Your MIL asked both of you to apologise like you are children and then once that was done, it is suppose to be over.  Your FIL did not apologise on his own, do you even feel it was genuine?  He spent most of his time blaming you telling you your feelings are your own fault and denying the favouritism.  A fake apology doesn't fix that or anything. 

I think things are settled on their side.... I tend to hold onto things. Not that i Hate or refuse to see them - but I do not forget the things that were said to me. I am not sure if i feel his apologies to be genuine. I do not think that they were - i felt in the moment he was ready to end ties with me - it felt like an all or nothing kind of conversation. He was right and i was to blame and he would do anything to make me feel like that. Does that make sense?


Yes - i do think he had a dysfunctional family growing up.. just from some of the things i gathered from previous conversation's. I also think SFIL and MIL really try to push to get everything together, they really try to push for monthly dinners. Yes - i will have to check out that book! i do love to read. 

Yes - I am triggered by favoritism. I have a therapist i have been seeing for 2 years and i like to think of myself as "Self Aware" and somewhat of the favoritism is rooted from my own families dynamic growing up. My younger brother was the favorite - he didn't have to lift a finger or do anything around the house. So - yes absolutely. I find that favoritism triggers me in all aspects of my life... family...in laws... work.. friendships. It is just like my biggest pet peeve. In most cases like at work - i just kind of let it go and trust that the job i am doing is good enough for me and i do not need the boss' attention or recognition.


Ooooh yes - i have removed them as my facebook friends! My mental health is WAY better  .. i don't have to see their political posts, their favoritism, them tagging each other when they get together all the time, etc.

Your FIL is blaming you when he could have easily have just said "hey now is not a good time to talk, I'm really upset, lets leave it till another day' but he didn't.  He yelled at you and then told you it's all your fault.  No self reflection there at all with your FIL.

THIS ^ - yes yes yes. I so agree. His apology actually included "I was very tired and stressed when you texted and called" like.... another blame tactic? He absolutely could have waited to reply or said the above. And they still chalk it up to how tired and stressed they were that day from helping their other family members move..

I will have to look into Dr Ramani on youtube. Even my DH says i hold grudges. I am not holding a grudge. I am just limiting contact haha... so yes i could see them blaming me and crying because the family doesn't get together as often or whatever..

You seem to worry that FIL doesn't like you.  Serious question do you like him?  Be honest, do you?  Do you respect him?  Would you like to be friends with him if he wasn't your step FIL?  Why are you so concerned about his feelings, what about yours?  Do you think his feelings are more important than yours?  You don't have to answer any of these but I remember the first time I was asked if I even liked MIL, at first I couldn't admit it but when I finally admitted it and said I didn't, it felt quite freeing.   

Hmmm - I do NOT like him hahaha!! I will respect him (for the sake of DH)  - but i don't really like him and no way i would not be friends with him if he wasn't my SFIL! I guess i am not really sure why I am concerned about his feelings. I think its because I feel like he has control and influence over the family? I guess i get worried he might bad mouth me or paint a different picture about me to others - like BIL & SIL.. I guess I worry that they might think or call me crazy. Isn't that crazy? I'm worried of being called crazy when he is the one who yelled at me and threw a tantrum like a man child. What a realization I am having 

[Cat of the Canals]

I think things are settled on their side.... I tend to hold onto things. Not that i Hate or refuse to see them - but I do not forget the things that were said to me. I am not sure if i feel his apologies to be genuine.

This is classic rugsweeping. My PDmom is the queen of this behavior. She throws major tantrums, storms out of the house for hours or walks around slamming doors, and then at some point, she's just... over it. In her case, she doesn't bother with the faux apology. She starts acting nice and expects everyone to pretend nothing happened.

Another term we use a lot around here: lovebombing. Your SFIL bringing you coffee is a perfect example. He knows he crossed a line with you and maybe even senses you quietly setting boundaries (with social media, etc.). So he thinks if he does a few little favors, he can keep you around until the next time he decides to blow up and scream at you. Rinse and repeat.

Even my DH says i hold grudges. I am not holding a grudge.

There's a big difference between remembering how you've been treated in the past and setting appropriate boundaries as a result and holding a grudge. Yours doesn't sound like a grudge at all, but a completely reasonable response to being screamed at by another adult.

[Hilltop]

My Dh also told me I was holding grudges.  As my DH is use to being enmeshed or co dependent with his parents I think he really wanted to everything back to normal as soon as possible.  The family are uncomfortable with boundaries being put in place, they simply want things to continue as normal (for them) and will blame the person speaking up, rather than looking at the behaviour which is causing the problems.  My MIL use to complain I was holding grudges as well and made out like it was a flaw in me.  Really she just wanted things back to normal so she could continue her behaviour.  I actually kept my distance which worked out better for me in the long run.

As you say, even after talking to your SFIL, he continued with his behaviour, he didn't post a happy birthday message to your DH.  I suppose it's important to remember that we can't change them, so you brought up the hurtful behaviour with your SFIL and in response SFIL is going to continue to behave how he wants, regardless of how that impacts anyone else.

I think the boundary of blocking them on SM is great.  Now you don't see it.  Distance can really give you clarity because when you are constantly around this type of manipulative behaviour it's easy to get confused, which is how they want it. 

As for SFIL bringing you coffee, yeah, they play nice sometimes to throw you off balance, bring on the guilt, so you feel bad about speaking up because look at how nice SFIL is, bringing you coffee.  I would actually make another boundary of not accepting these coffee's.  Just give yourself some distance, you can still be cordial and polite but at the same time put in boundaries to protect yourself.  The nice gestures combined with the hurtful actions keep us off balance, keep us confused. 

[palmtreeparadise]

My Dh also told me I was holding grudges.  As my DH is use to being enmeshed or co dependent with his parents I think he really wanted to everything back to normal as soon as possible.  The family are uncomfortable with boundaries being put in place, they simply want things to continue as normal (for them) and will blame the person speaking up, rather than looking at the behaviour which is causing the problems.  My MIL use to complain I was holding grudges as well and made out like it was a flaw in me.  Really she just wanted things back to normal so she could continue her behaviour.  I actually kept my distance which worked out better for me in the long run.

Oh yes that makes sense - that DH is used to being enmeshed with his parents. Its weird because its not like his step dad (my SFIL) raised him. He married MIL when DH was over 18 so he wasn't really around him which is good. But his growing up was a little tough. So i am sure he had some pressure to be there for his mother when he was young. Yes - they really just wanted things to go back to normal - that was what MIL really wanted and she said as a family they usually just fight then forget things haha. Kinda similar to my family.. I'm sorry your MIL kept complaining that you hold grudges - that is never a flaw of yours and i am sure you had good reason to feel the way you did. She most likely wanted control back and with you being stand-off ish she was unable to control you. Good - keep your distance! So much better for your mental health and that is my plan as well!

Yep SFIL continued with his behavior, which is funny to me because i was not heard at all. Even after all that they did not understand what i was trying to say. My main issue is blatant favoritism that is posted about on social media - that is where i put my foot down. I think they took it differently in some way and i dont know... we cant change them. They will continue to do what they want which is why it was the best decision for me to just remove them from social media. It feels incredible to know they have no control over me and seeing these things on social media. HAHA! its kind of funny.

As for SFIL bringing you coffee, yeah, they play nice sometimes to throw you off balance, bring on the guilt, so you feel bad about speaking up because look at how nice SFIL is, bringing you coffee.  I would actually make another boundary of not accepting these coffee's.  Just give yourself some distance, you can still be cordial and polite but at the same time put in boundaries to protect yourself.  The nice gestures combined with the hurtful actions keep us off balance, keep us confused.

When the brought me coffee - i was surprised! And honestly i did have a small ounce of guilt hit me. But i shook that off real quick! In no way does him bringing me coffee make anything better - i dont really care for the coffee hahahaha.... The second time he had asked i was actually in meetings (i work from home) and saw his text too late. HA! Thankfully - so i turned down the coffee and i plan on doing that in the future as well if he offers it again. I love that - "You can still be cordial and polite but at the same time put in boundaries to protect yourself." that is the plan 

[Leonor]

Whoa, there, Nelly...

So, at one point you were angry with your husband's mother's husband for posting more pictures of your husband's sibling and spouse on his own social media account than of you and your spouse, and you got into a yelling match on the phone with him about it? Now there's a big IL drama, to be sure, but you've got a starring role in it, Palmtree.

Okay. But it also sounds like the women in this scenario are the show runners. You jump over dh and mil to get to sfil, and then mil jumps over sfil and dh to get to you.

It seems pretty clear that at this point dh is not as invested as you in all this noise, and we are, after all, talking about his family. If the social-media-family-dinner-favoritism nonsense doesn't ruffle his feathers, as irritating and as unfair as it may seem to you, it's not really your business. You can point this dynamic out to him in a kind and loving way in private (it hurts me to see you treated this way) or reassure him how he's the bestest person in the world if he expresses sadness about it (Well, they may not appreciate you, but I'm the luckiest wife in the world!)

But getting all up in his family about it is a no-win situation for you. As you can see, no one slapped themselves on the forehead, begged forgiveness, got into therapy, or really acknowledged your concern. If anything, you can now be a convenient scapegoat for them: She's so difficult. Did you hear what she said to my husband? She's keeping our son from his family blah blah blah ...

Monthly family dinner? Oh, you're busy, so sorry! SFIL says something mean on social media? He's entitled to his opinion. MIL asks after you? Oh, I'm well, thank you for asking.

Start with your own de-enmeshment from this wacky bunch. You don't need to have equal footing with your bil and sil. You don't need sfil to pay more attention to you and dh. You certainly don't want to get caught up in the mess underneath the surface between mil and her sons (which is probably the main issue, anyway.)

You are a firecracker! You are a truth teller! You are powerful! You don't need to deal with any of those that your beloved dh, by unlucky chance, happens to be related to. He chose YOU and you chose HIM and together the two of you are all you both need!!

[palmtreeparadise]

Ummm I got upset yes but I just said how I was feeling because it's been an ongoing thing... I had no intention of a yelling match.

But I agree with what you're saying - I am a bit of a firecracker and tend to speak my mind - I'm working on that and choosing my battles.

[Hilltop]

Palmtreeparadise, yes you got upset, it's ok, you're human, your SFIL is not very nice.  Be kind to yourself first and foremost.  Dealing with these types of relationships is hard, they are confusing, it takes time to sort it out in your own mind.  Remember self compassion. 

[xredshoesx]

to be fair, from the way i'm reading how this played out, it's the FIL who initiates the yelling.  makes sense that the OP would want to say something regarding the behavior. 

we had a similar issue with my MIL.  she got really mad at me when i told her she wasn't gonna stay rent free in my house part of the year.....we had what almost became a physical altercation (she was drunk and i tried to take her keys because in our state we could be liable had she been in an accident b/c she drank at our home) and then like 14 months of peace where she ignored me fully at each and every family function.....

you absolutely have the right to stand up for yourself and tell them you won't accept a certain kind of treatment.  if you don't feel comfortable attending it's also ok to send hubby solo.   as long as you understand the FIL apology is fake fake fake you're good because you have the power now to decide when and how you choose to interact with him.  good on you for getting them off your social media too.  no sense in involving yourself in that circus.

[bloomie]

Ummm I got upset yes but I just said how I was feeling because it's been an ongoing thing... I had no intention of a yelling match.

But I agree with what you're saying - I am a bit of a firecracker and tend to speak my mind - I'm working on that and choosing my battles.

Palmtreeinparadise - each of us has the freedom to choose our own battles and address the issues in any relationship that we determine are causing so much pain and harm we speak up.

I gently disagree with the premise that you jumped over anyone in this situation. You addressed your sfil's either insensitivity or blatant favoritism. I also would add that each of us are not just an appendage to our husbands or a convenient accessory to take along to family activities. We are living, breathing, actual humans that have a place and position in our in law family - that often painfully goes unrecognized or actively denied - and have a voice that we can use if we choose. It is the outrageous disrespect you experienced in return when you used your voice that is the problem from what little I know of the situation.

I am a mil. I know that sometimes we can be unaware of how our in law children are experiencing us for a lot of reason and that even healthy in law relationships can be a tightrope walk at times. But, when we are directly told, or become aware that we have been doing something that is hurting our adult children, 90% of people respond with remorse, love, and work toward reconnection and adjusting behaviors that have brought others pain. We don't scream and yell and refuse to speak to our precious adult kids like your sfil did.

At the very least you have learned a great deal about both your sfil and you mil in this situation and it will inform you in your interactions with them going forward.

[palmtreeparadise]

to be fair, from the way i'm reading how this played out, it's the FIL who initiates the yelling.  makes sense that the OP would want to say something regarding the behavior. 

Yeah... his initial text was so mean. Which is why I had called because I didn't want it to be a yelling match in text but he was good and ready to yell at me on the phone, it was FaceTime.

Wow so sorry that happened to you! The peace is incredible though. It's crazy how much of a difference it makes. I have been LC with the in-laws and seriously... it's been so peaceful.

I tell DH he is more than welcome to go visit his mom and SFIL - I don't need to be involved every time. So that's been good - and it was the best decision for me to remove them from social media. Their fake posts and favoritism has no control over me now since I don't see it