The pettiest epiphany

[OutlawSally]

NPDMIL and en-FIL stayed with us for 2 months last year. Let's all take a moment of silence for my sanity which sadly died during that stay.

As it was summer we were eating a lot of bbq and salads. Like every single person on earth I have foods I don't particularly like, and I'm not a huge fan of raw onion. I generally just eat around it, it's not a big deal. If it's cut up finely and too difficult to pick out I eat it. I don't usually mention it because I don't like to bore other people and I don't need any adjustments made, like I said, I'll eat around it. MIL noticed the little piles of onions on the side of my plate and commented with great surprise that she LOVES onions but I don't! How could this possibly be?

This was followed up with another mention the next night, and the next, and so on and so on. This went on to the point where I started to keep a tally on my phone of every time she brought it up. It was almost daily, FOR 2 MONTHS and often several times. The record was 5 times in one day.

I had always thought it was just an annoying repetitive thing she did, maybe to embarrass me? If I was making the salad I wouldn't put onions in, and then she'd go on and on about how much she loves them. But I've realized she wanted me to have onions, BECAUSE I don't like them and she does. It was a power play. If I have to have something I didn't like but she did like on my plate, she won. She won a competition I didn't know I was playing.

It will never cease to amaze me how differently we think. Anyway, that was my epiphany for the day.

[NarcKiddo]

Two months? TWO MONTHS??!!  Never mind the onions... 

Yeah, they think in the weirdest ways. You couldn't make it up.

[Cat of the Canals]

Two months? TWO MONTHS??!!  Never mind the onions... 

Ditto. I'm climbing up the wall after 2 days when the ILs visit, and they don't even stay with us!

My MIL has so many weird food things. One constant is that she is obsessed with getting "credit" for either cooking or paying for meals and is super passive aggressive if anyone else prepares or pays. She frowns and says, "Well... thanks, I guess." Then she spends the rest of the meal making little passive aggressive comments the whole time. "Wow, this is spicier than I thought it would be." or "This is so sweet. I didn't know it was going to be sweet!"

In twenty years, I can't think of a single time she has ever said something positive about a meal if she wasn't getting credit for it. But if she IS getting credit, then it's, "This is the BOMB!" and "Mmm this is SO GOOD!"

[moglow]

NPDMIL and en-FIL stayed with us for 2 months last year. Let's all take a moment of silence for my sanity which sadly died during that stay.

  Have mercy - two months?? For that alone you should receive accolades and awards. I'd be in prison for committing some crime, I'm sure ...

And here's my personal dose of petty: at some point I'd have over-onioned something just for her or died in the attempt. Oh. But you said you LOVED them so I thought ... No? Oh. My mistake.

[OutlawSally]

Yup, 2 months. We moved far, far away, so this was a once-off trip never to be repeated I hope. I think I've blocked most of it out, but little needles keep popping back into my memory.

The positive to come of it was it helped very foggy DH see some of the insanity as he literally couldn't avoid it.

[bloomie]

But I've realized she wanted me to have onions, BECAUSE I don't like them and she does. It was a power play. If I have to have something I didn't like but she did like on my plate, she won. She won a competition I didn't know I was playing.

And aren't you thankful you were not playing and didn't engage is such nonsense!  And didn't go around with breath like a fire breathing, onion gobbling dragon?!?! 

What you do win, in my book, is the prize for keeping your sanity and wherewithal during 2 month visit. Wow!! Now that is fortitude!

[OutlawSally]

I'm really proud that I'm at the stage where I can notice the weird behavior and just shrug, laugh, write in my journal (or here) and move on without obsessing over it. Because that's really how I lose, when it takes up real estate in my head. Moving away definitely helped.

As for the 2 months thing, it was a tough time for everyone, including the NPD MIL who was out of her natural habitat and thus forced to somewhat behave lest she alienate herself further.

DH recently revealed that the overseas trips he and his Mum would take to visit family when he was a kid were unannounced visits. Like they would show up on his uncle's doorstep in another country like "surprise! We're here for 3 weeks!". So I guess it could have been worse. At least we knew they were coming.

[moglow]

@OutlawSally - I had an aunt who went the opposite direction. She was known for packing up her family and leaving in the middle of the night, rather than stay in the chaos one more minute. I adored her!

[sunshine702]

Talk about beating the dead horse! TWO MONTHS Uhug!  Newsflash!! Yes again today I do still not like the onions.  Good grief.  I am sorry.  Yes that is crazy making.  They are crazy making people. 

[OutlawSally]

The 2 month visit is kind of characteristic of them, particularly MIL. I think FIL just likes having us around as a buffer. This page has made me realize DH definitely uses me as a human shield.They treated the visit as if it was a weekend trip.

There was just no awareness that they could be imposing on us, and no recognition that we would want our own space at all. In the time they stayed they both left the house without us only three times. The rest of the time they wanted to either all go out together or all stay in together. There was just no escaping them.

It was bizarre how they could be that oblivious. Or maybe they weren't and they just didn't care, I don't know.

Which is why something minor like the onions being mentioned on a daily basis was so crazy-making. It was relentless.

[bloomie]

OutlawSally - relentless describes this so well. Two months of unrelenting presence that dominates the space to the point of not giving you the slightest bit of room to eat what and how you choose.  Too much!

[Cat of the Canals]

Or maybe they weren't and they just didn't care, I don't know.

I used to think it was obliviousness, too. With PDs, I rarely think it is. I know this because we finally stopped dropping hints and beating around the bush and point-blank told my MIL that we were happy to spend time with her if we arranged the visit together beforehand, but she needed to stop showing up at our house unannounced. So she started going to my BIL's house a few miles away from us -- also unannounced --and then calling us to say, "Oh, I just happen to be in town if you have time to visit!" She couldn't play oblivious anymore, so she designed herself a cute little loophole instead.

Over the years we've realized she does this to everyone, all the time. She went to visit her brother in another state in the middle of COVID and dropped in on another relative unannounced. This relative apparently answered the door and asked her, "What are you doing here? There's a pandemic. You need to leave." FIL was there and was so mortified that the next time MIL suggested dropping in on this relative, he said, "I am NOT going back there."

A normal person who realizes they've overstepped is usually embarrassed and determined to never repeat it. A PD knows they've been overstepping the entire time and are banking on you being "too polite" to call them out on it. Not to mention that most normal people would wonder/worry/outright know that a 2 month visit is overstepping. At that rate they should be paying rent, FFS.

[OutlawSally]

I should get "It's intentional" tattooed on my forehead because I always seem to forget it.

Because you're right and of course it's intentional. Why do I forget that? They know that a 2 month visit is stretching the limits of hospitality, even with family. I'm not that good of an actress (nor DH) that I can effectively hide my irritation.

[OutlawSally]

Although now I'm thinking about it, it's intentional but not strategic.

The intention stretches as far as needling me about food in an attempt to show dominance. But it's not strategic in that the next logical thought for most people would be "but if I do that they'll get irritated, and if I keep doing that they won't want to spend time with me".

The strategy most people employ with family or inlaws they don't particularly enjoy is to find a way of getting on because ultimately they're family and you want a relationship. At least that's what I do.

There is such a lack of self-reflection or insight into her own behavior that I think it prevents her from seeing the long game.

[NarcKiddo]

Yes, I think you have nailed it. Although my uNPD mother can be very strategic (and diabolical) with her behaviour, in the case of close family I think she takes our allegiance as a given. She has banged on about faaaamily all our lives and assumes the message has gone home. So she believes that she can show dominance, be mean, whatever, and we will keep crawling back. Of course that view is reinforced when we do pander to her. However, I notice her behaviour becoming much more strategic when she starts to notice my grey rock and tries to counteract it.

Those of us who recognise the problem but choose/need to remain in contact do well to keep on guard, even when our boundaries seem to be holding well, because they switch tactics from time to time, and it is often at a very unexpected time, or a time when our guard is low. They seem to sense those latter times like a shark senses blood in the water.

[moglow]

Another possibility - Limited connection means limited conversation, thus a driving need to highlight and boldface "why." Mine has a need to fill every inch of air with noise whenever around others. She'll babble incessantly about the most mundane or ridiculous "connections"/ lack of same. Her inner life appears non-existent, as is any sign of self reflection.

Those of us who recognise the problem but choose/need to remain in contact do well to keep on guard, even when our boundaries seem to be holding well, because they switch tactics from time to time, and it is often at a very unexpected time, or a time when our guard is low. They seem to sense those latter times like a shark senses blood in the water.

Preach! Two months' exposture and I'd hit that low sooner rather than later.

[Cat of the Canals]

Although now I'm thinking about it, it's intentional but not strategic.

The intention stretches as far as needling me about food in an attempt to show dominance. But it's not strategic in that the next logical thought for most people would be "but if I do that they'll get irritated, and if I keep doing that they won't want to spend time with me".

This is the part that drives me crazy. This is an extremely simple, logical concept. No one wants to spent time in an uncomfortable/annoying/unpleasant situation and will, in fact, generally try to avoid it.

There's a part of me that would love to know exactly what their thought process is when they come up against this. I imagine it varies depending on their mood and the situation. Certainly there's a lot of NarcKiddo's, "But we're FAAAAMILY!" In their mind, "family" is an unending, unbreakable obligation, so they can treat us however they want, and we have no choice but to endure. I think it's why so many of them refuse to accept NC. It is unfathomable to them.

One thing my MIL liked to do was bring us crap. Sometimes it was baked goods and sometimes it was literal garbage from my husband's childhood bedroom. I think those times, she told herself she was being "helpful" and "generous" which outweighed any intrusiveness to her behavior. We can't be mad that she showed up unannounced because she brought *gifts*.