Allowing my growing kids freedom after being a locked down kid

[Call Me Cordelia]

As my kids get older and are wanting more freedom I'm finding myself really at a loss for what is age appropriate. We had given our oldest the ok to ride his bike along a certain road with a buddy. Well, he was witnessed making a rather unsafe move, so we took away that privilege for the time being.

Typing it out it seems so rational. BUT. I am having an anxiety attack here. Not because I'm super concerned about my kid if I'm being honest. I did have a moment of fear, "Thank God he wasn't hurt and that so and so saw him." Oh no, it's all about me now.

My mother was right about everything. You really can't let kids out of your sight for a moment. I'm a terrible mother to expose my kid to danger. If he were ever hurt it would be all my fault. I deserve to be reported to CPS. Crazy thoughts.

Here's where I'm coming from. My father did threaten me we with child abuse charges went I went NC. Based on outright lies, but still. We were never allowed any freedom as kids or even teenagers. My sister couldn't train for cross country because my mother claimed she would be raped in our very safe park, with complete visibility, in broad daylight. So me allowing my upper elementary kid more freedom than I had near adulthood feels like I'm doing something so very very bad. So when I've actually allowed more than my kid is ready for and we have to take a step back I feel like it's The End.

I'm letting my DH take the lead on dealing with these decisions, at least with communicating with our son about them. I really don't want to transfer my anxiety to him. We've been deciding things together, though. It's super hard work for me. Any advice I would appreciate. Anybody give their kids a normal level of freedom after living in lockdown for your own childhood?

[PeanutButter]

Yes. My technique was to be aware of my motivations. I didnt want to make decisions that were about my emotional needs.

I tried to identify that when dealing with any kind of anxiousness.

If there is no real and present danger then anxiety indicated to me a default way of being the kind of mom that I was modeled. That meant time to dig.Time to respond in the way I know is healthier but is really hard emotionally on me.

[notrightinthehead]

There were things that my kids did, where I could not look - I turned away because I did not want to make them anxious and loose their self confidence. I believe anxiety is something to be overcome not to be guided by. In the bicycle incident I would have had a serious talk with my child,  cycled with him, told him all the safe cycling rules, made sure he knows them, and then I would have prayed and let him cycle off.
You are right trying to give your kids more freedom and self determination than you had. And it can't be easy. Your parents locked you up and made you anxious. This is a heavy burden for you. You are great that you are working on it and trying to overcome it for your kids. Hopefully your h had a more relaxed upbringing and a rational approach to how much freedom and how much supervision is necessary.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you both. DH was allowed to do pretty much whatever he wanted. Had his own car as a teen and didn't even have to ask or inform his parents before he drove off. No bedtimes as a younger child. No restrictions on TV or computer. The pressure on him academically and being made to be in so many sports took up his time such that he didn't have time to get into trouble, though.

This bike incident is especially challenging because really it's a double trigger. The freedom thing, and I cannot ride a bike. I didn't do well with my father's drill sergeant style of coaching, so I outgrew my two-wheeler before I could ride it well and was refused another one. It's on my list of things I'd like to tackle someday and learn to enjoy, but that's not going to happen right now. I did teach my second child to ride successfully. I had to let DH take the reigns with the first.

He's doing what you describe of riding with him and making sure he gets it before he gets the ok again. So far it's not going well. DS is in denial that he needs any correction which is making it difficult for him... Cue the fears that he'll end up like his PD grandparents. Or simply dead in a ditch.

[doingoveroroverdoing]

You are not alone!

I *know* my risk assessment & tolerance is all messed up & Am lucky to be married to someone who isn't at all afraid to move, or hate his body. He decides every thing. I'm try to figure out how to name & own my overprotective tendencies, try not to be too ashamed of how inactive I am to wreck stuff for kids. I have to be careful not to tacitly or explicitly demand the kids validate me. But DH otoh is on the hook, he's kind and patient & makes a pretty good assistant therapist around this stuff.

I did learn to ride a bike eventually as a kid—a lot of moments of enjoying my body I had as a kid were biking. The feeling of freedom, the movement, sense of accomplishment. I tried again recently, after almost 30 years, because kids want me to be like other moms.  I got so dizzy & out of breath taking a small spin around a parking lot. I was terrified.   

I don't appear disabled, or obese & I'm not elderly—and I live in an area where 75yos get knees replaced & back to the tennis courts. Plus DH is fit. So my sedentary ways don't compute. Anyway, the poor, kind bike shop dude...he was certain it'd be just like riding a bike. I felt like a difference species.

I also got away a couple times with normal families, and week long summer camp in middle school. I was a pretty much a house cat.

DH was very free in an era when everyone was freer, and a few years younger than his siblings. His parents were messed up, abusive even, but they trusted he knew what his body could do.  There weren't so many cars on the road, there weren't SUVs. He loved playing sports with his older brother & friends.

DH has such a different way of being in his body, in the world. I want that for my kids.

Swimming, sports, biking.  Swimming is a big one & not over yet. I do not want to transfer my fear & avoidance. DH did almost all the parent child swimming lessons—I did one short session with a toddler when I was on a vacation with non-phobic cousin. I enjoyed it, but DH took kids to lessons until parents weren't required to watch. Covid is messing up summer but we'd planned & still hope to get a lot of swimming for kids. I want them to get lifesaving cert. (I don't really want them to even go in a lake, but I have DECIDED that the best way to deal is to give them the chance to develop skills).

When I feel anxious try to behave as if I'm not. DH teases me gently, as do kids, and it helps. Ignoring my panic sensations is a real leap of faith, pardon the pun.

I know what you're going through. Knowing you're not calibrated correctly is necessary & helpful, but it's not sufficient. Thanks for posting because getting this out there helps.




on a phone

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi, doingover. Thank you for sharing. That story of riding a bike as an adult happened to me as well! When DH and I were engaged the in-laws planned a bike ride for the four of us. They are big bikers, and I was scared to tell them I couldn't do it. Isn't that crazy? I tried to fake it! Well I did do it... but I didn't know how to use a hand brake!!! My little kid bike never had one! So I was exposed. And I was a wreck afterwards. So much for impressing the future in-laws haha.

I feel like such a freak over all this. And I'm ashamed of my lack of ability, even though I now understand it wasn't my fault. I was set up to fail. Bike riding and swimming are both big ones! We took swimming lessons but my younger sister was faster than I and my parents shamed me so bad. I was too thin, too awkward to ever be any good, my mother had a Very unflattering snapshot of me trying desperately to keep up, which went on the fridge, and told me over and over that's what I look like swimming. I used to like swimming and grew to hate it.

Have you heard of "body armoring"? It's when your body gets rigid in response to trauma. When the trauma is about sports it makes it very very difficult to do it! I was very fortunate in having a wonderful barre class a couple of years ago. The instructor understood trauma and I was able to gain some flexibility after being unable to ever touch my toes. And it felt great! I can and do enjoy hiking with my family. But I get anxiety all mixed up with being out of shape, even though like you I look healthy enough.

Anyway, yeah it would be great for my kids to be completely unable to relate to any of this hahaha.