Thanksgiving BDP sister rage

[marymackblack]

Today was one of the hardest attacks I've ever had by my BDP sister. She sent over 12 vicious , escalating texts about how I have failed our mom (who has Alzheimers) She accused me of not being responsive or caring and that I have been an ultimate failure as her POA. Sister has been with my mom this past week and caring for her, as she came to visit mom at her nursing home for a thanksgiving  trip, but mom fell ill right before she arrived.

Lots of new changes are occurring day to day with our mom in  this stage of dementia. My sister's reaction to that is anger towards me for not handling things sooner.  She is with mom alone right now, (She called the caregivers off)   and it's obviously freaking her out so badly. She's manically accusing, insulting and blaming me with illogical vitriol.

And it hurts terribly, makes me question if I'm doing something wrong with my  mom's care. And I am not. I am doing all I can.  I've been so effectively grey rocking for months,  but today her rage and meanness took me down.

I cannot block her, but I have to set boundaries for her to not speak to me this way. Any advice of how to set that boundary is appreciated. Thank you

[Hazy111]

Do we share the same sis? Im NC btw.

I havent read your previous threads , but i assume shes really resenting you "grey rocking " her , putting up boundaries to protect yourself. In her head you are to blame  for everythings thats going wrong. "Boundary violations"  "projecting"   whilst "splitting" . Its all there.
There is no reasoning, there is never any logic and theres certainly little empathy.  Good luck,

[marymackblack]

Do we share the same sis? Im NC btw.

Thank you, Hazy.  I can't realistically go NC until our mother has passed. I sure wish I could, but meantime I want to set a clear boundary for her to not speak to me this way. I can't get her continue to ruin holidays and other days. I can't imagine how my poor mom feels being around my sister's energy when she is raging. The projecting and finger pointing is intense. She says I am a control freak who needs to seek help but everything I am doing is wrong. Sigh. You mentioned illogical, some of her complaints and accusations make no sense at all.
As you know, it's a no win. I so appreciate this forum so that I can keep a peace of mind. Thank you for listening.

[Coyote23]

Hey friend,
I'm so sorry to read this.

My siblings tried to have me removed as POA and it has set up reverberations to this day.

Please only communicate as if attorneys were reading the communication. Don't text anything besides practical things-appointments and directions. Keep everything in emails.

I have no doubt you are doing everything right with your mother's care. With dementia there's a lot that can go wrong even if you do everything right. Your sister is not being rational, but I still want you to insulate yourself from her. Keep documentation of everything. Keep touching base with doctors.

If you are concerned and mom needs it, bring the caregivers back while sister is there. You are in charge. You are the one mom out in charge. Sister will gaslight you rather than face her own grief and guilt.

Stay strong, keep talking to the people who know all you are doing-the doctors, the caregivers, the nurses. Get your feedback from them.

I'm sorry. This must have really been a stressful holiday.

[moglow]

Your boundaries are yours, yours to set and yours to enforce. If she acts in ways that are in violation of what you want, you stop it. Change the subject, end the conversation, turn off the phone for a while/day, mute her calls etc.

Her spewing nastiness is all on her. The accusations and blaming, same. You know what you've done and what you had to do to get there. You're not to blame for your mother's condition OR your sisters reaction to it.

SHE called off the caregiver, thought she could handle it herself. Actions have consequences. Her panic is not yours to fix - or absorb.

You can't reason with the unreasonable. She's going to be who she is. It is not personal, MMB, it's who she us and what she's chosen.

just keep telling yourself it's not your stuff, you aren't to blame, she's out of her tree and you can't fix that. Breathe!! It's not you.

[nanotech]

I'm not sure I can advise except to say that you are the only person permitted to judge your own behaviour- absolutely no one else.
She's not coping with her own decisions on care, so she's lashed out at you.
My brother who is PD,  was doing something similar regarding trying to shame me over certain things.
I messaged him that I loved him and said that unless any future texts contained a life or death issue re dad, then I'm sorry but I wouldn't be answering. I got one more angry and spluttery text, which I ignored. He's the POA so he can't have a go about that. So it's possibly a bit easier to put that boundary up. But try some. No one should be spoken to that way.
She may have reverted to childhood roles, which often happens when a parent becomes seriously ill.
Brother has  tried again since, but I always ignore the messages unless it relates to a genuine crisis re dad. He hates it but he's stuck with it. There's not much they can do.
They have no real power over us.
There's a book called ' When I say no I feel guilty'
Lots of techniques in it. See also Jerry Wise on you tube. He uses the advice from this book, and Bowen's Family Systems.

[marymackblack]

Thank you all. Nanotech thank you very much for your reply and the book recommendation. "they have no real power of us" is one to become a mantra for me during this crisis with my mom and sister.
It's all escalated over these past few days , and so I've set a boundary about texting and asked for her to only email respectful communication or I will not reply. She is now trying to triangulate with one of my mother's home care givers, but I'm nipping that in the bud.
I feel much stronger , many thanks to all of your words and wisdom.

[Worthy of Care]

My sister's reaction to that is anger towards me for not handling things sooner. 

Professionally, I have worked with people who have dementia. Their abilities/memories change, sometimes daily. It is easy for some people who don't understand dementia to accuse or advise. I'm sure that you are doing the best you can for your mom. Being with and helping someone with dementia is difficult, confusing, challenging and stressful.

I know you asked for advise on boundaries, but I wanted to encourage you that you are doing the best you can for your mom.

[marymackblack]

I know you asked for advise on boundaries, but I wanted to encourage you that you are doing the best you can for your mom.
[/quote]

Thank you, I appreciate that encouragement so much. This forum got me through my weekend.  It's very challenging for all of us dealing with Alzheimer's, but for someone with BPD , it is triggering her in all kinds of ways. Boundaries are my saving grace right now so that I can keep focus on my mom's care.