my fiancé is having a hard time with her triggers

[Cheshire_cat]

Greetings,

It's been years since this forum helped me get out of and through a toxic situation with a once friend/"business" partner. So I am grateful to this organization.  Over the last years I have found a healthy relationship with a partner who was also rebuilding there life after a long toxic relationship.  We have supported each other a lot.  A lot of smiles and laughs.  I proposed, yet have not been willing to commit further to a marriage. there are several reasons for this. yet right now, this is bothering them the most when there are unresolved issues that keep triggering them from there toxic father and ex.  I want us to be the best we can be as individuals and as much as I want to stay loyal and beside them in this process, I start to feel that our engagement without marriage plans has become a toxic issue.  It comes up when fear, or hurt get triggered as though that was the problem instead of other issues we individual need to resolve. I have let go of expectations for how we personally seek our own well-being, yet I wish there well-being had a foundation in themselves and not an expectation of our relationship. 

[_firewalker_]

Hi Cheshire, thank you for reaching back out! Congratulations on your engagement. I am sorry that these unresolved issues have put a cloud over your engagement and eventual marriage.

Have you expressed these concerns to your fiance? My first thought is if you can have a loving, calm, kind conversation about how these issues are making you feel, that could be a positive step forward. However focus on how it makes you feel, not what you expect your fiance to do. Ultimately you can't control what another person does, obviously. It will be up to your fiance to take a step like going to therapy or something.

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds to me that you have reasons to be hesitant in taking the next step.
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I firmly believe that dealing with what triggers us is our job, not our partners'. I have a really hard time dealing with rejection. It hurts me and I go into a downward spiral of self doubt, pain, withdrawal into my shell, despair. I have worked hard and now, it takes me days to recover when in the past it took me weeks, months even. But I am fully aware that I cannot expect my loved ones or partner to avoid triggering me or to make me well again. It's up to me to deal with my response to what the other person did.

Now in your case, it seems to me that you have a disagreement and your partner brings up the fact that you have not yet set a date, to blame your disagreement on that. So there is discontent about that. They could of course set you an ultimatum. Or insist on setting a date. Confront you directly - They want to get married, you are sitting on the fence. Then you would have to look closely on what you want. Which would be a good thing. What do you want? What would happen if you figured this out and then communicated it clearly to your partner?

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm curious why you decided to propose. Did you have these same hesitations at the time? Usually a proposal of marriage indicates you are ready for and committed to that marriage taking place, and it would be reasonable to expect a time frame for that. If your fiancée has abandonment issues, I can see how your ambivalence here would be triggering to her. However, I also see raising that issue possibly being a deflection from these other serious reasons causing you to question the wisdom of marriage here. This is a sticky one for sure, and I think you're in the right place. Best wishes to you.