Leaving mom behind in 2019

[NCsinceJuly]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum. I suspect that my mom has BPD, but she's not diagnosed. 2019 was a huge year for me - I decided to go no contact in July and make my healing a priority.

I never thought NC would be possible for me. I'm an only child, and I have been deeply enmeshed and codependent with my mom for most of my life. But I just couldn't handle the emotional outbursts, her rewriting history, and living in constant fear, guilt, and obligation.

Anyway, I've been really anxious about the approaching new year. There's something so monumental and nerve wrecking about it being a new decade. I'm feeling ashamed and sad and nervous that I'll be entering the decade while being NC with my mom. My heart feels heavy and the reality that I'm 'leaving her behind' is sinking in.

I can't believe that my mom just isn't going to be a part of my 2020. After midnight, I'll be sending off 'Happy New Year!' texts to friends and acquaintances, but not to my own mother.

I know I'm making the right choice by being no contact. I know I have to protect myself and maintain my boundaries. I know that I deserve a happy, peaceful life without her constantly blowing it up. But I still feel so incredibly guilty and sad.

[Brooke]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I completely understand - my dad apparently just posted something quite nasty about me on Facebook and it has me rattled because I keep thinking "this is no way to start the new year".

But at the end of the day, it's just another day - New Year, new decade, etc., are just artificial constructs.

I'm trying to think of it as the year of putting myself first. I hope you can do that as well. 

[Deb2]

NCsincejuly,

I felt incredibly sad and guilty when i went NC with my dBPDsister.  On  holidays and her birthday,  i would feel so bad about how she might be alone.  But, like you, I knew it was the right thing to do.  For me, anyway. I still have some sadness sometimes, even after 20 years.  But it's mostly centered on how things could have been if my sister didn't have BPD. Or if she had sought help.
It gets better. It's all relatively new to you.  Sending cyber hugs. For me, the benefits of being NC to my mental and emotional health out weigh the sadness. I realized the guilt came from my life long "training" to be a pleaser and appeaser.

[Groundhog Day]

Welcome to our forum
I truly understand where you come from. Christmas, New Year and birthdays are most difficult. Keep your mind occupied with a good book, a movie or spend time with friends. 2020 will be a healthy and peaceful year for you!
Cheers and Happy New Year!

Groundhog

[Brooke]

I realized the guilt came from my life long "training" to be a pleaser and appeaser.

This is so true for so many of us. Thanks for articulating it. 

[Sunflower_Rising]

I realized the guilt came from my life long "training" to be a pleaser and appeaser.

[GettingOOTF]

I understand how you feel. I finally went fully NC with my father in August. I feel a lot of shame around it but also a lot of relief. It's like a huge weight was lifted and I can finally be myself.

I know I'm doing the right thing, but that doesn't make it any easier.

[Morocha2015]

Congratulations and welcome to the forum! I went NC one year ago and this forum has helped me immensely. I recommend two books that were recommended to me here: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, and Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy by Susan Forward. I never realized there were so many people out there like me. I felt really guilty too when I first went NC, but I realized that's how I've been programmed to feel, regardless of my own needs. Your needs, feelings, and mental well-being matter, too. Congratulations on starting the road to freedom! You have support here!