Does it get harder before getting easier?

[Amadahy]

Hi y'all,

Third therapy session coming up. First was great, cathartic w me spewing fifty years of pain and feeling believed and supported by the therapist. Second session, she initiated a discussion about my therapy goals. I was floored and sad because I realized I didn't have any idea -- that I've just been trying to survive. We kept it broad and general, which seems appropriate, but has made me sad -- I have no idea how to thrive. None. And if I do succeed or make progress at something, I immediately self-sabotage or practice unhealthy coping behavior.

On top of that, I *STILL* - after everything  Nmom has done, I still am primarily concerned about salvaging some sort of pseudo-relationship w her.  It's ridiculous!!

Will therapy really get me to a better place? I'm bone-weary and sad.  I know I'm operating from my inner child that still and forever wants a mom that can love her.

Thank you, wise ones, for support and insight for the years I have been here. I wish all of you strength and peace.

[looloo]

Second session, she initiated a discussion about my therapy goals. I was floored and sad because I realized I didn't have any idea -- that I've just been trying to survive. We kept it broad and general, which seems appropriate, but has made me sad -- I have no idea how to thrive. None. And if I do succeed or make progress at something, I immediately self-sabotage or practice unhealthy coping behavior.

On top of that, I *STILL* - after everything  Nmom has done, I still am primarily concerned about salvaging some sort of pseudo-relationship w her.  It's ridiculous!!

Reading this, it sounds like there are some potential goals right here in your post!

1) gradually transition from "trying to survive" to "learning to thrive".  (Note how much this sounds like a soldier coming home from the battlefield-PTSD, having to learn a whole new way of living daily life, etc.)
2) examining patterns of self sabotage, finding ways to overcome this
3) coming to terms with the reality of your relationship with Nmother.

You're doing a TON of very difficult and painful work.  Treat yourself with as much kindness and patience that you'd offer to a best friend or a child—because those are parts of you that need it the most.

Keep it up—you are doing great!

[Spygirl]

That you are able to grasp the current state of things is the key. It took me almost a year before i was able to get what i was being insructed on. Do not give up, it takes time. You are eating an elephant, and it goes one bite at a time. There will be a moment when it clicks, and then you will find clarity. You have to give yourself a break onnit not happening fast enough. You are changing your whole life, and it took a long time to get here.

[notrightinthehead]

Your therapist might ask you for your therapy goals in order to measure her own performance. That way she knows your expectations and can check if you are going in the right direction. It should have been ok for her that you told her you had no idea. Maybe you just want to feel better than you feel now.

If you have found a great therapist (like I did, bless her) you might end up loving the child that longs for the love of her mother and forgiving the mother for being unable to do so.

[mdana]

For me, initially, therapy got harder before it became easier (of course, I lived in denial most of my life, so ...).

I had so much work to do, AND even though I had a sense for what direction I needed take, there was much I was really clueless about. My therapist said recovery from trauma/abuse was like an onion --- you peel 1 layer off, then there is another and another.  After a while, it became the work of self-love and self-discovery AND, the best work I have ever done!!

Everyone is different though -- and no 2 therapists are alike! 

I feel it's great that your therapist asked you about your own therapeutic goals!  She is clear about this being about what YOU want -- and is giving you that ownership!

M

[EntWife]

My experience after 8 years of therapy is that with every issue that arises it always gets harder before or gets easier.

That being said, it's all worth it! I feel so at peace with the world at myself these days that every bit of pain and discomfort was completely worth it!

My therapist likes to point out that we're only growing when we're feeling uncomfortable so your question tells me that you're doing good work. I hope you keep it up and can find more peace in your life!

[openskyblue]

I was in therapy for many years, and it was my experience that (especially early on) there were sessions that left me staggering for a few days. Uncovering and looking at my FOO stuff, then my marital stuff was a long, difficult, no absolutely invaluable process. Then there were all the survival strategies that weren't serving me well, and I had to acknowledge and jettison. All hard stuff!

I tried to think of therapy like working out. You tear those muscles a bit to strengthen them.

[EntWife]

I tried to think of therapy like working out. You tear those muscles a bit to strengthen them.

I love this!

[practical]

It does get easier. You basically just opened the closet door behind which you have stuffed for years all your pain, so it is all tumbling out now, falling on your head from the highest shelves, spilling all around you to see and feel. It can feel like a sea of pain in which you are lost and unmoored. It can be a lot in the beginning. Over time as you sort through things it gets better. With the healing the pain becomes less, takes up less space in your life. You'll put things in a new place after processing them, now with care and love for yourself, and they will take up much less space, just like clothes take up much less space in a suitcase if they are folded rather than stuffed in.  As the chaos and pain gets less, you'll find new space in your life, space to discover new things about yourself, new things to do, to cherish.

You'll get there, in the meantime stock up on tissues and journals.

[newlife33]

I was in therapy for many years, and it was my experience that (especially early on) there were sessions that left me staggering for a few days. Uncovering and looking at my FOO stuff, then my marital stuff was a long, difficult, no absolutely invaluable process. Then there were all the survival strategies that weren't serving me well, and I had to acknowledge and jettison. All hard stuff!

I tried to think of therapy like working out. You tear those muscles a bit to strengthen them.

Thank you for your advice, I love your analogy it's very good.

[Indivisible]

It does get easier. You basically just opened the closet door behind which you have stuffed for years all your pain, so it is all tumbling out now, falling on your head from the highest shelves, spilling all around you to see and feel. It can feel like a sea of pain in which you are lost and unmoored. It can be a lot in the beginning. Over time as you sort through things it gets better. With the healing the pain becomes less, takes up less space in your life. You'll put things in a new place after processing them, now with care and love for yourself, and they will take up much less space, just like clothes take up much less space in a suitcase if they are folded rather than stuffed in.  As the chaos and pain gets less, you'll find new space in your life, space to discover new things about yourself, new things to do, to cherish.

You'll get there, in the meantime stock up on tissues and journals.

This is such a lovely and vivid analogy.  I love this!!