How long did it take?

[Associate of Daniel]

For those who have happily remarried/partnered after a pd relationship, what was the time frame between the end of the one and the start of another?

I know various factors and circumstances apply but just as a matter of interest...

It's been over 7 years for me and still no sign of any knight - shining or rusted.

AOD

[Associate of Daniel]

Just came across this post of mine from 2+ years ago.

Nearly 9 and a half years now since uNPD exH left.

Still no knight...

AOD

[Kat54]

Would love to find that knight. It's been 3 years for me.  I've even gone on dating sites and don't respond to anyone asking me out.

Probably not ready. Think I'm afraid of finding a mean old toad like last time. So have to work on letting go of that fear.

[Breadroll]

In last 6 years after leaving, I regret three times😎.  At peace with being single now, as think my «  picker » is faulty.

I feel like a fool, wish I had kept it secret from my adult kids, and have embarrassed myself by being seen in public with three different people in this relatively short time. Ugh. What's wrong with me, and why don't I walk away the first sign something is off?  Each of these would be three months or more. On the plus side,  still ended things. Just shouldn't have started in the first place.

First one, after 18 months, way too soon and still shaky-  was older widow with kids.Was obsessed with money- rich and incredibly mean. Would invite to lunch and then forget wallet.  Mind boggling insensitivity and complete self interest. 
Second, surface nice guy who lied a lot, and tried to form connection with young schoolgirl friend of my kid. Yikes!!! 
Lastly, older retiree - too old for me, but felt we had enough in common- who never said thank you. Was obsessed with being frugal, which included using my vehicle and sharing costs on outings,  saying «  I could live in luxury if I wanted to ».  Just a selfish old man.

What was I thinking?!

[Boat Babe]

I've had three broken hearts in six years.  One was the uPDbf of some description, who brought me here. I don't think I could take another heartbreak. But also I get lonely at times. It's really hard.

[Breadroll]

Hugs- and here's to building protection for 💔.     There was a good thread on loneliness-
About feeling understood.   This site is one place that's possible. You are not alone.

[JustKeepTrying]

It's been 2.5 years since the divorce.  I flirted with online dating but my anxiety levels just rose and I couldn't do it.  Just couldn't do it.

I do get lonely and that is why I thought about online dating and the pandemic isn't helping.  Adds to the isolation.

But to bring someone into my home, share my bed, disrupt my routine or comment about my books or tv - nope nope nope.  Right now I am leaning into my singlehood and looking at it like my never had bachelorette days. 

But there are times when I wish a knight would appear . .

Or am I watching too many hallmark movies?

[Breadroll]

Online dating very scary - possibly dangerous, and to be avoided imo.
my «  choices » over the last few years were people I met/knew peripherally.  Initially, my heart was wide open and yearning for a loving relationship- it made me a bit stupid.

Dating disrupts  routines even if it doesn't get to the intimacy stage. I found that even when my choices of films, hobbies, books etc were criticized or dismissed, I still carried on being pleasing. It's like a " fault line" , and somewhere deep down I still carry a fair bit of fear.

Am sure there are lovely people out there, and good partnerships to be made though- am always happy to hear about them. Long married kind friends - super grateful for them showing it can be done.

Right now, grateful for calm house, no criticism, and thinking that being single might actually be best after all.  Maybe I am just not cut out for it, or just too damaged after xnpdh.  Am still free, and not a day goes by without me thinking how lucky to be out and intact. 

[GentleSoul]

Well when PD husband died a year ago, I had seriously thought I was done for ever having a relationship ever again.

I had no interest, didn't want one.  Very much enjoyed being single, living in my home alone.

An old friend has always supported me.  He is a lovely person but for me he was too normal, too sane, too balanced, too adult, too kind, too stable, too thoughtful, too caring.    So he didn't set off those butterflies in me!!

Ok, so I then worked on myself and healed from the trauma responses of my childhood with alcoholic/PD parents that made me only attracted to toxic alcoholic/PD partners.

I gradually started to see my friend in a different light.  All his qualities that had put me off before that in my distorted state I saw as dull, I began to find attractive and an absolute joy to be around!   He is warm, energising, supportive and uplifting to be with.  He gives rather than takes.  It is 50/50 in our relationship. 

We very slowly and gradually started going out together on trips and enjoying ourselves and it went from there. 

[Associate of Daniel]

That's great, Gentle Soul!  I'm really glad things seem to be working out for you.

There are literally no men of my age in my life, other than those who are married to my friends.

I have a friend who's frustrated at having so many men paying her unwanted attention.  I have the opposite situation, and always have.

Oh well.

AOD

[GentleSoul]

That's great, Gentle Soul!  I'm really glad things seem to be working out for you.

There are literally no men of my age in my life, other than those who are married to my friends.

I have a friend who's frustrated at having so many men paying her unwanted attention.  I have the opposite situation, and always have.

Oh well.

AOD

Thank you very much, AOD.   As I say, very much a surprise.   I am 58.

When late husband first died, I had a few creepy blokes trying it on.   I ignored them.  Married and looking for a side piece, I suppose.  Pathetic.   

[Associate of Daniel]

Speaking of Hallmark movies...

I watched "Open by Christmas" yesterday.

One scene had the main characters having the "getting to know if they're available" conversation.

The male asked if she was "married/divorced/it's complicated".  She answered, "single, single and single."  They both look to be around 40.

My answer would be,"single, single, single, blip!married, divorced, single, single, single...to the power or 3, it would seem."

How depressing.  But I guess it's saved me a lot of heartache. Having an abusive uNPD exH and his abusive uNPD wife in my life is heartache enough.

AOD

[Kat54]

I recently had a unsettling experience on a dating site. The gentleman wouldn't stop trying to contact me even though I told him I wasn't interested.
The I hid myself on the site and took down my profile. Put it back up recently and he came back messaging me asking me out. Lol, then I realized I could block him which I did. But with dating sites I'll pass. Seeing someone currently but he's separated from his wife and his kids don't know anything about me so it's not ideal at all.

Being alone is easier and less stressful.

[JustKeepTrying]

I posted this elsewhere and when I did - I thought of this post - but of course, could not remember or find it again.  Shoulder shrug

I had a coffee date this week with a gentleman I met on a dating site.  I haven't dated since 1985.  Putting aside the guy, I felt it went well.   I didn't overshare, wasn't anxious or nervy, was true to myself and my opinions, no eggshells, shot down any questions that veered to close/too much too soon.  Just overall a normal person on a normal coffee date.  I am proud of myself that I went out and did that.

Will I see him again, probably not.  He did not appear thrilled at my independence although it was clear on my profile.  Oh well.  Another good thing I realize is it's not my problem but his.

I think starting again after a divorce is hard.  But starting after married to a PD - whew.  That is really hard.

Will I find someone again?  Don't know.  Not sure I want to.  But it's nice getting out there and meeting new people.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I so relate to the "sometimes lonely" part!  I'm single 3 yrs, NC with PDex for 2 yrs.   I had a few men, acquaintances, show interest in the first year (which was a total surprise as I am over 60).  No romance . . . just got to know each other a bit better.  I decided they wouldn't work (for what I believe were good reasons.)  Since Covid, early 2020, I have stayed pretty locked down for medical reasons -- still am.

Just before Covid hit I made a lifestyle change which precludes me having a partner.  It felt worth it because there were so many benefits to my life and soul from this new change.   I still feel it's worth it, but there are times . . .   

Sometimes I have felt so grateful to not be with, or trying to find, a man to make it work with.  But I am not a person who naturally loves living alone or spending a lot of time alone.  It can feel quite stark on occasion, even though I have a pretty busy life.   There's no getting around it.  I miss being partnered.  And I miss my ex, in particular.  The good parts.

That said, I kind of look upon him as some sweet tasting poison.  He could be so inviting and irresistible.  But not for long.  And then I paid through the nose for letting him in.   And over the years that got worse and worse, regardless of the promises to get help or the highly regarded therapists, the self-help books or the 101 strategies I used.   Finally all my never-say-die-hope for someday attaining a halfway healthy or happy or even acceptable relationship was totally snuffed out.  Thank God!  Otherwise I'd still be in there -- a fate so much worse than being sometimes lonely.

Thanks for all your sharing.  I truly wish you all much love, fulfillment, and happiness in your lives!  <3

[Stillirise]

AOD,

I've only been "out" for about a year, so not much to report here, other than one short relationship that didn't work out, didn't end badly, which is something, after a PD.  However, I thought you might like to hear about my close friend. She's been divorced from, if not a PD, definitely a dysfunctional person, for 13 years.  She has a lot of stories of failed dating attempts, and thinking she found a "good guy," who turned out not to be. 

Last year, she began a friendship with a widower, whom she'd known for many years.  It started as conversations between two lonely acquaintances, who had some things in common. I truly see the signs of this one working out for her. Either way, it seems to be a rewarding and fulfilling relationship for her right now.

Having had a ringside seat for her marriage, its breakdown, her 13 years single, and now this, I'm thrilled for her. It also gives me tremendous hope for the rest of us.

[mary_poppins]

I'm not looking for relationships atm even though my last serious one ended in 2016 and of course it was with a PD guy 
I think I finally found that place where my presence is good enough for me and gives me enough pleasure so I don't need to have 'someone' to fill a need in me. I'm also put off by any type of relationships atm since I'm in the throes of contact with PD mother and trying to cut her out for good.
But I am planning to find a dog to care for in the future. Not sure what breed but this plan makes me really happy.

Wish you'd find the right partner for you. It always comes when you're not looking for them and you're enjoying yourself,